Infertility

PIO.

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I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots the other day, and for some reason they hurt really bad this time. After my egg retrieval my RE had me start the same shots “just incase” our embryos sucked and didn’t make it to day 5 for PGS (can you tell my  Dr has like, zero faith in my body? I don’t blame him, really) and they didn’t hurt at all! Shane was a pro then, maybe he’s just rusty. He says when he’s doing it this time there is resistance. Yeah…I know. I feel it.

I watched a few videos today of others giving themselves the shots, and I feel like I could do it but I figure we’ll give it one more shot with Shane doing it. I think tonight when he gets home, I will warm the oil by rolling it in my palms for a few minutes, and have him give me the shot while I’m laying down.

 ( * I ended up holding the vial of progesterone for a while to warm it up, which made the withdrawal so much easier. Once the syringe was filled I held it in my hand for another 5 mins and laid on my bed when Shane gave me the injection. Perfection! Didn’t even feel the shot at all *) 

For those who don’t know about PIO, it’s to support the uterine lining during the luteal phase of a FET (frozen egg transfer) or a fresh transfer.

The set up looks like this (not my photo):

needles

The one closest to the bottle is an 18g needle. It is used to draw up the medicine. The one on the right is a 22g-1.5 inch needle used to administer the injection. The shot is intramuscular.

And the shots go here:

shotsite

Um Ouch.  

If our embryo sticks, and we are indeed pregnant, we will continue this for 12 weeks. TWELVE. Every. single. night. I’m sorry – I know I should feel so pumped and excited, but it’s just not that simple anymore. I’ve lost my naivety toward the situation; I know too much.

 I know what can go wrong if your hormone levels are off, or if you start spotting. I know that you can have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a tube, or an ovary, or fucking die. I know that your cervix can “not do it’s job” and you can lose your baby at any time even when you think you’ve past the scary points. I know that, even a week before you’re scheduled to have a normal repeat C-section, you can hear the words that will shatter your world forever; “This is where her heart is, and unfortunetly there is no heartbeat”. I know that you can truly feel like you want to die for the foreseeable future because your child died inside of you when you were in the clear; your daughter died when she shouldn’t have.

Those things could happen to us again. Any of them could be a possibility and I hate that I even have to worry about it.  I know that we will be monitored so intensely, but my mind just goes back to “well, shouldn’t I have been monitored this well anyway? I am growing a human for fucks sake”. Sadly, that’s not the case. Monitoring for normal pregnancies is a joke. I had a shitty NINE MINUTE (yes, nine minutes…normal scans can range from 20 mins to an hour for some people) anatomy scan, an intake scan at a new OB that was probably 25-30 minutes long, and a scan at 36.5 weeks…and somehow, no one detected a possibly anomaly with Kenley’s cord. Maybe, just maybe, if a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound was done on me my daughter would be here. Maybe, if my doctors sent me to an MFM because of my history with Preeclampsia, they would have done one on me. I should have been sent to an MFM. I was failed by doctors. All of my doctors failed us during Kenley’s pregnancy.

There is a standard of care, and a general guideline to follow when sending your patient to an MFM…and I ticked many boxes, yet I wasn’t sent.

I will never forgive myself for not advocating harder for my Daughter.

The medical field needs to get their shit together. 26,000 stillbirths a year, and yet we just can’t figure it out?

Unacceptable.

Medicine failed my sweet girl, and it’s hard to believe that anything positive could happen for us now.

lining. 

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Today we had an appointment to check the lining of my uterus. It was 8.1 and “beautiful” per my nurse and RE. I’ll take that; a beautiful uterus lining- every girls dream. Jk. 

My estrogen came back at 94, and my progesterone at 0.5. These numbers are good, and I will continue to stay on 2mg of estrace 3x a day  

On Wednesday I will add in my Progesterone in oil ( PIO) shots. I will also start taking my Medrol (steroid) and Doxycycline (antibiotic). They gave us papers that state our transfer is set for Monday at 11am. 

This official paperwork made me freak the hell out a little, but also gave me a glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe, after all this bullshit life has thrown my way, I will be able to bring a baby home. Maybe my body will work right and things will go as planned. I don’t want to hold my breath, though. 

I asked Dr.J what he thought our chances of this working were. He stepped back, and said he has never had a negative pregnancy test with a patient he has performed a PGS normal FET on. He has one woman miscarry  early on, but they don’t know why. He said our chances of success were 70%. 

70% 

Holy shit. Hearing that was like a sense of relief and a sense of sheer terror. 

I needed more PIO so we called it into the pharmacy– $257 for a 30 day supply. Par for the course though, amirite? I’m really hoping that because my insurance has been covering ultrasounds, I will have a little extra money left to put toward the FET from the $11,440 we paid them already. 

Shane and I went to lunch after the appointment and we looked over our PGS testing results. All of our embryos were on this paper and it turns out (if they all had been normal) we would have had 4 boys and 3 girls. 

I wish they all were normal. I would have had each and every one of them; I still plan to have the 3 we have that are normal. 

2 boys and 1 girl. 

My sweet babies. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and some day be able to tell you how incredibly wanted you are. I will love you until the day I die– I already do. 

next.

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Tomorrow, if everything looks good at my scan, I will be a week away from my Transfer.

A week.

7 days.

I will hopefully be carrying our next child, soon. I don’t even know what to call this child. Kenley was my rainbow, yet…she wasn’t.

If anyone knows the answer to this, I would love to hear it. I suppose this next child would be my rainbow…but what would this make Kenley. Life is weird.

The RE has my beta set for 8 days after our transfer. I’m almost 100% positive that I will not be able to wait that long to find out if it worked or not. On the other hand, I don’t want to test early and get a false negative. There’s just so much to think about, but in all reality I should just calm the hell down and wait for my beta.

I don’t think I can wait though. Dr.Google has shown me that a bunch of ladies have gotten + tests as soon as 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I don’t know how I can rationalize not testing early.

I really want to talk to a loss mom who is a few months ahead of me. I want to pick their brain, ask them a few questions. How did you control your stress? How did you not worry every second of every day? How do you make yourself feel that you are worthy of this pregnancy? Did you have issues connecting to this new pregnancy?

Just a few things I think about whenever I think about becoming pregnant again.

I did feel something like excitement today when thinking about another child…so there’s that.

anxiety? stress? frustration? guilt.

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Yesterday was a rough day for me; I felt my frustration getting the best of me. Landon kept pushing my buttons, and I had enough for the day, so I left. I got dressed, and I told Shane I was leaving…and I did. I grabbed my book and purse and off I went. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but a few things flooded my mind.

• Go shopping (I did this)

• Go rent a hotel room BY MYSELF and read my book all night. Relax, maybe get room service, and just be…

• Go to the airport and buy a plane ticket to somewhere (I won’t lie, this would have been a super high possibility had I brought my medication with me)

So ultimately I’m a rational person and decided to go shopping. What did I buy? I used a gift card to Ulta and bought myself two nail polishes, a new BB cream, dry shampoo, and moisturizing foot treatment sock things. Then, I bought 4 shirts for myself. And finally I went and spent $30 on dog treats because he was the only thing not annoying me.

I know that it’s not 100% Landon’s fault that I have a short threshold lately, I really really know that. But, he has been not listening a lot lately. On the 4th of July he broke a window at a cookout because his cousin told him to. He cried because he felt so bad, and I’m glad he felt bad. He knows better than that, and I don’t know what happened. He got caught up in the “fun” they were having and just lost his head. He had to apologize to his Great-Grandpa and tell him what happened. Of course great grandpa wasn’t mad and felt so bad because Landon was crying.

I’ve been trying to tell him to listen to me the first time I ask/tell him to do something because he’s been slacking on that as of late. I know he’s changing and growing up, but I have to keep on him so much sometimes that I feel as if the only thing I say all day is “No”.

Today, he was playing Garden Warfare for a minute, and was a sunflower. He shot a letter “K”on the ground and said “Mommy, look. I made a K for Kenley”. Then he immediately asked me if I was going to cry. He’s noticed that if he talks about her lately, I don’t cry like I used to. I suppose this is a good thing, but sometimes he takes me by surprise and I will cry. He keeps asking me if I’m pregnant again; I think he hears us talk about IVF and he’s catching on. I told him not yet, but that’s the plan soon. We ask him if that’s something he would want to happen, and he always says no. Always. Without hesitation. I get it, Landon. I am terrified too, buddy. I’ve had to explain to him so many times that what happened to his sister was a fluke (…ha) and that it will not happen again. That I will be going to the dr many more times than I did before etc etc, but how do you explain this to a 5 year old. He doesn’t know how to grasp these things. He was expecting a sister, and instead got his mother back as an incomplete human who can barely function some days.

So I fuckin get it, dude. I’m scared as well.

He keeps asking me for a brother. I know he doesn’t understand that right now, but it cuts me like a knife. It makes me feel so incredibly guilty, and sad for him. I couldn’t give him a brother or a sister to play with when it really counted, and when I was SO CLOSE to giving him one, I couldn’t even keep her alive. I know that someday he will understand, and he will really understand when/if he has children of his own some day. Losing Kenley was a huge smack in our family’s face, and sometimes I feel like Landon has the heaviest part of this all. He’s 5, and he has to watch his parents fall apart and “knows” why, but will spend his entire childhood wondering truly “what happened”. And the saddest part? He will probably forget about her. 

I hate life after loss. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate, and I feel like I’m not doing a good job.

I feel that somedays I’m just failing everyone.

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seriously?

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It’s Tuesday. Kenley died on a Tuesday. She was born @ 10:32 pm on a Tuesday. I hate them. I’ve said Tuesdays are my least favorite, yet most favorite days. I love spending time with Shane and Landon on these days, but they just suck. It’s like a constant reminder of our one missing piece. But, I guess that’s going to be my life from now on, so I better get used to it.

Today we went to Hobby Lobby…

I already hate Hobby Lobby, but Landon wanted to go. When we walked in, we were treated by FALL DECOR. What the hell. It kind of hit me in the face like a brick wall? I mean I know that it’s July, and that August is right around the corner or whatever, but woah. I gathered myself and continued to walk with Landon toward the “toy” aisle, but there it was…

Christmas Decor. 

Nope. Not ready to see that shit just yet. I realized how incredibly hard seeing anything Christmas related is going to be for me. I don’t think I will be ok this holiday season.

This is a warning for all of my family/friends- I seriously cannot control how I feel about these things, so don’t expect too much from me this Holiday season.

Kenley was alive for Christmas last year. She got a stocking full of binkies, and a rattle. She  was the talk of the get togethers. She was given many other gifts, too- Baby bath, wash cloths, bows…It’s going to be so hard to lead up to the Holidays, listening to the music she loved to listen to and danced around in my belly to. It’s going to be a lot harder than I think I realize right now.

We did a card exchange on the TCF boards last xmas and all the cards wished us well, and said how excited they were for us and Kenley. Fucking life. I just want to punch life in the dick.

How cruel. I just cannot get past that. How fucking cruel. I know no one decided to have her die on the day that she did, or whatever but god damn it. So close to Christmas? It’s going to be so hard for the rest of our lives.

Shane and I will always view Christmas with a “death lens”.

Even if I go on to get pregnant here in a few weeks, I just worry about things. I worry how I’m going to feel being pregnant, again, at christmas. With a new baby. Because mine died.

Fuck.

Fuck you, Hobby Lobby.

 

guilt.

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Oh, Guilt, You’re the worst of them all. Not the kind of guilt you feel when you have a “cheat day” on you diet, or the kind you feel when you forget to pay for the paper towels on the bottom rack of your cart on complete accident. I’m talking about the guilt that cuts you like a knife; makes you feel that you let down every. single. person. who knew you were expecting.

I have so much guilt surrounding Kenley’s death. I know that there is nothing that could be done to save her, I know this. I know that I did everything I could to ensure my daughter arrived healthy and happy- yet she didn’t. I often find myself feeling guilty for feeling guilty and sad. It’s so fucked up the way you feel after a loss of this magnitude. You can’t even describe how you truly are feeling, because well, there are no words that make sense.

I feel guilty that I let Shane down. Me, his wife, the mother of his children, couldn’t keep his daughter alive. First off, I have the fertility issues, not him. He is perfect in fertility related aspect. I’m the reason we have to go through all of this struggle to begin with. I lost two of his children. I then went on to get pregnant with his Daughter, his beautiful daughter that he played guitar for, and talked to every single day. The daughter that he gave the most beautiful name to. The daughter that was going to be Daddy’s Girl for sure. And then…that daughter died inside of me. Inside of ME, his wife. The mother of that daughter. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to think about that.

I feel guilty for letting Landon down. I lost his sister. The baby sister whom he so anxiously waited for, and never even got to hold. He promised to take care of her, and help me change her diapers. He helped me wash all of her clothes and fold them. He was so excited for her, But for some reason, I didn’t know she was dying inside of me. How did I miss that? I feel guilty for missing this. I worry that I was too wrapped up in Christmas to recognize any signs from her. I let her down too. I feel guilty for that more than anything else.

I let down Kenley’s grandparents who were so excited for her, her great grandparents, my friends and other family who were so excited for her. I feel incredibly guilty for not knowing she was dead/dying inside of me. I am her mother, and how did that go unnoticed? Was I SO preoccupied with doing the dishes on that Tuesday that I didn’t notice she wasn’t moving properly? I want the chance to go back and look at myself during those last few days. I want to really study her movement and try to figure it out. I want to go to the hospital on that morning, instead of that night. I want to demand that they take her. I want my OBgyn to not say “well if it makes you feel better, you can go to Labor and Delivery”, but instead say “YES. GO IN NOW. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE NURSES THERE. JUST TO BE SAFE. IT’S YOUR BABY’S LIFE. GO GO GO! FUCKING GO NOW!!!”.

I want to go back and have my doctor to give me an NST at my appt 2 days before Christmas. I walked into that appointment thinking I was going to get an NST, and left with a false sense of reassurance. I will never be ok with that. I will never be ok with my doctor telling me that my contractions were probably normal and making me feel like I was overreacting. I should have fucking gone. Don’t get me started on the guilt to come with moving forward with our FET.

I feel so much guilt over her death, and one day I think  I know it’s going to eat me alive.

dabcff9ba10224b01fd2ce83f7d73ad6

 

 

expectation vs reality.

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I want to start this post off by saying that I am not extremely sad ALL of the time. I know that it may look that way to many of you reading, but it’s not true. This is my blog; my space to write whatever I feel like writing at any given time. Just because I write the shittiest feelings here, or say exactly what is on my mind, it doesn’t mean that I am doom and gloom.

And honestly, if I was all doom and gloom, could you fucking blame me? Didn’t think so.

That being said, I had a rough night last night; Some nights are a lot worse than others. I sometimes can’t find the right words to express how I’m feeling to Shane, which leads me to be grumpy with him, even when it’s not his fault. Sometimes he will ask me what is wrong, and I can’t answer him; it’s the same thing all the time. What is ALWAYS wrong, what will forever BE wrong? That’s what is wrong. I think maybe I just should tell him to assume that if I’m having a bad day, the reason is always the same. This goes for everyone; If I’m moody, or grumpy don’t ask me why- just please assume you know the reason.

Tomorrow we have an appointment at my RE @ 8:15. I will be having an ultrasound, and getting blood work. We will discuss our plans to move forward with the FET (frozen egg transfer) and hopefully get a date! I cannot wait to hear what my RE has to say about our embryos doing so well. Maybe I will bring the it starts with the egg book along in case he wants to see why I took the supplements I did.

I was hoping that maybe we would hear news about the embryos today, but I highly doubt it. The embryologist said we should hear back within a week, so I’m hoping we hear by Friday at least; I would love for Shane to be here with me when they call. I am just ready to see what the cost of this FET will be. I know I need meds, but I really hope that we can keep it under $4k. This process is bleeding us dry it seems. Thanks life, we really really appreciate it.

Today marks 26 weeks since Kenley left us. I have a lot of feelings about it; yet I feel so blank. It’s a fucked up thing, life after loss. I’ve said it before and I will probably be saying it until the day I die. Tomorrow is the 29th; tomorrow will mark 6 months. Half a year? How is that even possible? It has been half a year since I’ve held my daughter– that just doesn’t seem like real life. I guess maybe that’s how everything will feel now?  Maybe everything will just happen in a normal way, but I will feel as if I’m standing still with the world rushing by me? I will never ever understand the reason she was taken from us.

I have begun to realize that this photo is exactly what is going on in my life. I guess the expectation of bringing my living daughter home was just way too much. I guess I’ll just live in this fucked up “reality” instead. I was never given a choice.

expectation-vs-reality

 

 

ptsd.

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I’m pretty sure that I have PTSD. I know that’s a serious thing to say, but I know it to be true.

When we were at Meijer today I had to walk past the baby stuff and I felt hot and shaky. The feelings have been here since I lost her, but I think that I’m finally able to notice them and what they are related to. I’m able to see past the grief and recognize other feelings; Anxiety, extreme sadness, fear, guilt, terror all related to the loss of Kenley, and all things surrounding her.

I see diapers and I can immediately picture her closet full of diapers; the dresser set up waiting for a baby that will never come.

I found an article written by Lindsey Henke on Still Standing’s website; here is a snippet from the article in which she discusses her PTSD symptoms (and just for the record, I agree with and feel 100% of these things she discusses…):

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both the following are present:

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with a pregnancy that ended abruptly, never began, or resulted in the death of their unborn child.

2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror as they were forced to intensely participate in the birth of their dead child, which also resulted in the demise of their hopes and dreams.

A. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the delivery or loss of pregnancy and child.

2. Nightmares of the event or associated nightmares such as: of your husband now dying, your dog dying, future babies you do not have dying, and horrific things happening that you did not dream of before the event.

3. Flashbacks to the moment when you heard the words, “No Heartbeat” and “I’m sorry your baby is dead” from doctors and nurses.

4. Intense psychological and physiological distress and reactivity at exposure to triggers from the event and reminders of not having the child you planned for (i.e. exposure to hospitals, living babies, pregnant women, the empty nursery, your own menstrual cycle, and even car seats make your heart race.)

A. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and emotional numbing including:

1. Efforts to avoid thoughts (of your baby and the way it was supposed to be), feelings (sad, anxious, guilt, grief, anger, confusion, despair, etc.), conversations about the event (“How’s the baby?” is the worst. I try to avoid that one all the time.).

2. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma (baby showers, your doctor’s clinic, ultrasounds, friend’s newborn babies, pregnant women, thinking about getting pregnant again…I could go on).

3. Feeling detached and estranged from others – Ah, Yeah! Especially from people whose pregnancies result in living children.

4. Sense of a fore shortened future – YES! Thinking – “My child didn’t live, why should my life be all of the sudden guaranteed.”

A. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the loss):

1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep – Who sleeps well after knowing the worst can really happen to them and has.

2. Irritability – Having a short fuse because life has played a cruel joke on you.

3. Difficulty focusing – On anything but your own grief.

A. Duration of experience is more than 1 month. – Yup! I have a feeling it will be a lifetime.

B. Causes clinically significant distress or impairment of everyday functioning. – Yes! Your life is never the same, people at work think you should get over it but you can’t focus, your relationship struggles in ways you never thought it would, and even doing a simple task like going to Target is impossible because you cry every time you walk by the baby section.

So so so much that last sentence. Holy hell. I cannot even step foot into a Target. That is where I got pretty much 80% of all Kenley’s things. Her clothes, her diapers, her wipes, her lotions, her socks, her onesies, the outfits I bought just FIVE DAYS before she died.

I can’t.

And honestly? I’m afraid I never will be able to go there again. I’m so scared of this being an ever lasting feeling. I hate feeling this way. I hate missing my daughter so much instead of holding her.

I hate seeing babies who are her age. I feel angry. I feel wronged.

I just feel straight up fucking sad; there is no other way to describe it.

I’m sad without my daughter and I’m afraid (read: almost certain) that feeling will be here forever.

 

sickness.

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Sometimes I have to twist Shane’s arm to make him go out and do things with me, but once we go, he has SUCH a good time. Is this all men? Would they all rather just stay at home, and do nothing? I don’t know, maybe it’s just a different personality type, or maybe he legit just would rather be at home. Our house is pretty awesome and low key so I don’t blame him. BUT, I’m here every day, all day…he isn’t.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt like I wanted to go to the movies. I looked at moviefone, saw that Independence Day: Resurgence was playing early on Thursday night (opening day was Friday). So I asked Shane and Dustin if they wanted to go see it. Shane gave me a “meh” answer, and Dustin said no because he didn’t have time. I, however,  didn’t let up; I wanted to freakin go. I kept bringing it up to Shane and finally I just made plans to take Landon to my mother in laws for a sleep over. I text Dustin one more time and said last chance! and he said he could go now because he got off work early. Yay! So I bought 3 tickets to the Ultrascreen ($48…fml) and we had a date night + Dundy!

Guess what? The movie was frickin amazing! Take that, Shane! He said “it probably won’t be that good because it looks just ‘ok'”. Pffft. What does he know.

We had a really good night out, and a good night together when we got home. We slept in late, and I made french toast for breakfast while he made coffee. We watched CNN this morning while we ate. But then…my Mother in Law called. Landon was running a fever of 100.3 😦

I went to pick him up and he was curled up in the chair under a blanket. Poor little dude. This is so unlike him; he is so full of energy 24/7. He was burning hot, so we came home and laid on the couch for a while. His fever keeps coming back after the Motrin wears off and he is so achey. I hate being sick myself, so it is super hard to watch a 5 year old moan and groan knowing there is literally nothing I can do to make him feel better. I kept him hydrated, and he ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor with Shane around 4pm. Shane laid him down in his bed, and Landon napped until about 7pm. We woke him up, and brought him into our bedroom (we were decluttering…emotional fucking nightmare for me by the way). 

He wasn’t feeling any better, so we just let him lay around for a little while and watch some more TV. He went to bed at about 9:20 tonight, and I hope that he gets some good rest. I’m sure tonight will be filled with up’s and down’s for all of us. Here’s hoping his fever stays away all night and he can rest well.

Back to the decluttering…

As I’ve said before, when I feel anxious or stressed I tend to slack on stuff that needs done. Well, my bedroom is pretty much a disaster zone because of this. Laundry hasn’t been put away in what feels like 3 weeks; it keeps getting the daily shuffle from floor–> to bed –> out of the basket–> onto the bed –> back into the basket –> back to the floor. I just can’t freaking do it. Little by little it’s getting put away…I promise.

Today though I really felt good about decluttering and organizing the bedroom. Shane and I went in there while Landon napped. Bad Idea. I guess maybe deep down in my  consciousness I knew that the reason I didn’t want to go through everything in my room was because so much of it relates to Kenley. I found my folders from the doctor. I found the folders from the hospital that gave me information on support groups for after she died. I found books from the funeral home. I found cards from everyone telling me how sorry they were that she died. I found my 30th birthday card from Shane that said how excited he was for Kenley to be here; how excited he was for our 3 person family to finally become the 4 person family we dreamed of. I found ultrasound photos. I found the list of names the nurse gave me so I could write thank you cards that never got done.

What do you say in a “thank you” card to a nurse who cared for your dead child?

“Thank you for taking such good care of my child, even though she was dead and nothing mattered anyway.” Because I’m pretty sure that is what would fucking come out on paper. Maybe someday I will be in a place where I feel as if I can write them, but that time is not now. I’ve looked at the boxes of thank you cards I bought, and I want to set them on fire. They make me physically sick. You send thank you cards when you receive a gift…I didn’t fucking get to keep my gift.  

I cleaned up my nightstand, now I need to find a picture frame for Kenley’s 4×6 that I finally printed out. I can’t find a frame that I like enough to house her photo. I don’t even like to look. I hope that one day I’m out shopping and one just speaks to me so I can be done with it. The stress of looking for the perfect frame is seriously stupid. I know it’s just a picture frame, but I guess my irrational brain isn’t understanding that.

Needless to say today can be over at any time.

I’ve noticed lately that when I let myself really think about what happened, I get dizzy. I feel as if I’m going to pass out in a way?  I just feel so emotionally drained these days. I cried myself to sleep a few nights ago. I don’t even know what happened, it just hit me. It’s bad at night, even with medicine and breathing exercises.

These days everything makes me feel like I’m running full speed into a solid brick wall.

 

Yep. Exactly like this. 

day 5.

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The Embryologist called me early today – 7:30 am!

He once again explained to me how the embryos are supposed to look on this day:

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The part labeled embryoblast is also called the “inner cell mass” which will become the fetus.

ALL SEVEN OF OUR EMBRYOS MADE IT TO BLAST. 

vpll0

I am blown away! I never imagined this to be the case, ever. I have diminished ovarian reserve, this is not supposed to happen. I am just sitting here with my jaw on the floor in disbelief.

The embryologist said that currently, 3 embryos are perfect and ready to be PGS tested. He said 2 additional ones are more than likely going to catch up to the same stage and will be able to be tested, too. I’m not sure what will happen with the other two, so I guess we will see what he says tomorrow morning when he calls us.

snl-excited

I’m stopping my PIO shots, and all my other medications. I will start birth control again, and we will go from there. I am a little confused right now as my IVF nurse just told us we are transferring in AUGUST (uh…no?!?!) because my Dr said July. I have an email in to her, and I hope we get this cleared up because HOLY ANXIETY. The whole point of this is to transfer in July. I had this whole thing planned in my head of how it is supposed to go (a terrible idea, I know…life hasn’t gone according to plan yet so why would it now?) so I just hope that she was reading the wrong date or whatever.

funny-britney-spears-shaving-head-stress_opt

The Embryologist is supposed to call us again pretty early tomorrow morning with the biopsy news! I’m nervous, excited, terrified, guilty, worried, scared…you  name it.

I just want this to work in the best way possible.

Today marks 25 weeks since our sweet girl left our lives. It feels like it’s always the same thing every week; Its Tuesday, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it all, and then I get sad. I know she wouldn’t want us to be sad, and would be happy for us that we’re getting stronger and moving on. It makes me sad to think about bringing a sibling into Landon’s life who isn’t her…but it also makes me feel a little excited. I know she would want that for Landon.

Life after loss is just a fucking mess.

I miss you, sweet K. I’m so thankful I have you looking out for me. I love you baby girl.