pictures.

Posted by Randi

Lately, I’ve been wanting to see more/new photos of Kenley. The problem? I can’t see any new photos of my sweet girl because I’ve seen them all. All the photos that will ever exist of my beautiful daughter have been seen by my eyes.

It’s just one more thing that breaks my heart into a million pieces on the daily.

I’ve never been able to fully write out Kenley’s story and our struggle to get her. I finally found strength to write it tonight. I wrote it here, under the “Kenleys story” tab. I’m sure there is so much missing, but the bottom line is she was wanted and she will never be here. She is so loved.

grief.

Posted by Randi

Watching through my fingers, watching through my fingers

Shut my eyes and count to ten

It goes in one ear out the other, one ear out the other

Burning bright right till the end

Now you’ll be missing from the photographs, missing from the photographs
Watching through my fingers, watching through my fingers

In my thoughts you’re far away

And you are whistling a melody, whistling a melody

Crystallizing clear as day

Oh I can picture you so easily, picture you so easily
What’s gonna be left of the world if you’re not in it?

What’s gonna be left of the world, oh
Every minute and every hour

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

Every stumble and each misfire

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more
Watching through my fingers, watching through my fingers

Caught off guard by your favorite song

Oh I’ll be dancing at a funeral, dancing at a funeral

Sleeping in the clothes you love

It’s such a shame we had to see them burn, shame we had to see them burn
What’s gonna be left of the world if you’re not in it?

What’s gonna be left of the world, oh
Every minute and every hour

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

Every stumble and each misfire

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more
You might have to excuse me

I’ve lost control of all my senses

And you might have to excuse me

I’ve lost control of all my words

So get drunk, call me a fool

Put me in my place, put me in my place

Pick me up, up off the floor

Put me in my place, put me in my place
Every minute and every hour

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

Every stumble and each misfire

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more
Watching through my fingers, watching through my fingers

Cause every minute and every hour

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

cheese.

Posted by Randi

This morning I walked into Landon’s room to wake him up for school (this never happens, he is always up before everyone else), and he was curled up in the middle of his bed looking so tiny. I stood there and my heart just exploded with love for him, and sadness for Kenley. I cannot help feeling love/grief at the same time these days. I miss my girl, and my love for her is so deep that I feel it in every fiber of my soul. My love for Landon is just the same as my love for Kenley, except I get to hold him when I’m sad. I get to physically love Landon.

He sometimes looks at me, then down at my “K” necklace. He has asked me why I don’t have an “L” for him. I answered him one time with something similar to what I just wrote. “I get to love on you like “this” (I hugged and kissed him a bunch which made him laugh), and I don’t get to love on Kenley like that. So, I wear a necklace for her. I can look down at this necklace and think of her during the day”. He seemed to like that answer pretty well.

Yesterday, he looked at me and told me that I was going to have to wear a different necklace now that I’m going to have another baby. I reminded him that this necklace is for his sister who isn’t here (who will never be here…but that seems too much for a 5 year old to handle…) and that the new baby will be here in our house when she is born. He understood, and went on playing with his toys. He misses nothing, that boy. He is so smart, and deep. I’m so proud of him, and how he can be open with me about things. I hope that never changes.

Today while Shane and I were home alone, I found a shoebox and put all of my pregnancy tests from this baby inside. I also put in paperwork from our genetic testing, random RE paper work, and the picture from the embryologist the day of my transfer. I know this baby deserves it’s own “space” in my heart, but I’m struggling to find that space still. I feel like my heart is a fucking glacier and I’m over here trying to chisel a spot out for this child with a toothpick. I’m trying, little one, I swear it.

When I made lunch today, the cheese package said “best by Jan 11 2017″…What? How is that even possible; How is it the middle of August already? I feel that the first 7 months of this year were a blur; like I went to sleep on 12.29.15, and I’m just now fumbling my way out of the bed in the darkness. Things are familiar to me, and I can feel my way through life, but it’s still so dark. It will be fall soon. It will be Thanksgiving…and then it will be Christmas. A holiday that will now forever carry a dark shadow over top. Fucking Christmas. Fucking life. Why? Like, why did this happen? Why did this have to happen to my family? And so close to Christmas. I was pregnant with Kenley when we spent an hour and a half walking through the acres of christmas trees looking for the right one. I was pregnant when we put it up and decorated it with Landon; he was more excited this past year than ever before. I will forever have these things burned into my mind.

I will see myself on the Christmas morning family video, carrying my sweet living girl. safely inside of me. Crying because my husband gave me a gift card to chatbooks so I could document all of my Instagram photos from Kenley’s pregnancy in “photo album” books. I thought it was such a sweet gift, such a thoughtful gift from my Husband who was excited for his daughter to be here. The message included with the gift card said “I can’t wait until Kenley is here, it will be so soon!”…

I don’t know how this sadness will lessen in time. I just don’t think it’s a possibility.

I miss you, sweet girl. I wish I could have watched you grow up into the amazing person I know you would have been. I wish I could have been your best friend for life.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

hedgehog.

Posted by Randi

Landon told us he had a great first day at school! His friend Brayden rides his bus, so that made him excited I think. He didn’t really tell us much about his day at school; that’s just the type of kid he is. When we asked him about what he did, who he sat with, etc he didn’t give us but 1-3 word answers. We expected it though, so I wasn’t too disappointed. My mom, and dad however, probably were. They both called to ask Landon how his day went, and he really just wanted nothing to do with talking to another person about his day. To him, it’s like “what’s the freakin big deal?!”.

Shane and I decided that we were ready to tell him about the pregnancy (he mentioned some very sad things to me yesterday night, and I knew it was time to tell him). While we were all at the table eating lunch, I told him we had something to talk to him about. I was nervous and didn’t really know how to approach the situation because we were just here about a year ago with him. When we told him about Kenley, he was so excited. I have it on video, and I don’t know that I will ever be able to watch it again. This time, he was very excited as well- but it was different.

I ended up just showing him the ultrasound picture, and he sort of gasped. Shane and I smiled and waited on him to say something. I can’t really remember what he said, and what we said, but he was so excited. We told him that we were pregnant again, and we were going to have a baby. After her processed it for a little while, he looked right at us and said ” You guys were being secretive lately, so I already knew”. I am not even kidding you, those were the EXACT words out of my 5 year olds mouth. Wtf?

Shane and I laughed so hard. It kind of just took some of the stress off of the situation. Landon did ask if what happened to Kenley would happen to this baby, and we assured him that it would not happen again (although, it feels weird for me to promise him something won’t happen again when I can’t help but worry myself that it will happen…). We told him that we would be going to the doctor a lot more, and that the doctor would be watching this baby very closely. He asked us what happens if the doctor sees something wrong with this baby. We told him that the doctors would be taking very good care of us and they will do everything they can to make sure that we get to bring this baby home.

I hope that we get to bring this baby home.

He was off school today (his school does a staggered start for the Kindergartners) so we hung out as a family for the day. We went to a local coffee house and hung out for a while. They offer painting of ceramic figures and Landon wanted to paint.

He chose a hedgehog and said he wanted to paint it for his brand new baby sister. I think we have a nickname for our little one.

emotional.

Posted by Randi

The title says it all; today has been super emotional for me (and Shane, too). This morning we woke up and got Landon ready for school. He was pretty excited so I think that helped me stay calm. We went out and waited for the bus at about 7:45; the bus was late and didn’t show up until 8:02. He was so excited when the bus stopped and turned on the light. I, however, had to hold back tears as I let his hand go and he got on the bus.

When he drove off, I cried. I knew I would, but I’m just so happy I could keep it together for him because had I cried, he would have cried too.

Then it was off to the RE for our ultrasound. It was the first time we would (hopefully) hear this baby’s heartbeat. When we got there we waited twenty (excruciatingly long) minutes. The RE walked in and asked how I was- I said nervous. He seemed to forget that this was our first heartbeat scan. He turned the machine on and immediately said “well don’t be nervous because we have a heartbeat”. He asked if we wanted to hear and we said yes; What an all too familiar sound. Little miss has a heart rate of 138 @ 6w6d ( I thought we were 7w today, but I guess I’m wrong?).

Everything looked good, so we go back to the RE on August 31.

Next Thursday (25th) we see the MFM @ OSU for an intake ultrasound so I’m very happy we will have 2 scans in the next 2 weeks. My RE wrote the MFM a letter in hopes that they will get me in sooner than 9/22 for my first OB appointment.

So, all in all- good news today.

But Landon will be home in about 5-10 minutes so let’s see how his day went before we call it a 100% win 🙂

kindergarten.

Posted by Randi

Tomorrow is the big day– Kindergarten.

We had open house today, and I think that Landon really enjoyed meeting his teacher. He liked his classroom, and kept looking at all the different things that they had in there. I’m very excited for him to go tomorrow. I, however, had to stop myself from crying about 3 times during the open house. It seemed like everyone had a baby sibling (of course a baby girl) in his class; three of them at least. Then, we had to fill out a form about him- basic information- and they asked for sibling names and ages…

Kenley — Stillborn.

Fucking ouch.

I don’t think that will ever stop taking the air right out of my lungs.

I think that Landon’s teacher will be amazing for him; she was really into his “Self portrait” today, and complimented him on his use of all the colors 🙂

Here are a few pictures that I took while we were there today.

Send all the good vibes tomorrow because I’m pretty sure I’m going to be a hot mess- Landon’s off to KG, and were off to the RE to get an ultrasound where we will hopefully see/hear a heartbeat…

butterfly.

Posted by Randi

Today, Landon and I went to the grocery store; the parking lot was pretty empty (thank god). I always look to make sure there aren’t many cars when we get there. Somedays I just can’t with people. We walked into the entryway to get our cart and- I’m not kidding you– there was a girl, probably 18 years old maybe, with her 8ish month old baby girl. FOR REAL?

It just never fails, you know? Whatever.

Fast forward to when Shane gets home from work. I told him I was going to go lay down for an hour or so. I ended up sleeping from 3-5, so a nice little nap. When I woke up, I walked out into the kitchen and there was an orange butterfly on the INSIDE of our sliding back door! How in the hell does that happen???

Why, hello, baby girl 🙂

She’s been around a lot these past few days.

On Saturday night before I went to bed, I held her urn and kissed it (like I do every night). When I kissed it, I told her to help me. I told her I needed help, and that I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this; I’m not strong enough.

I think she heard me loud and clear ❤

sunday.

Posted by Randi

I know this week is going to be rough for me; I already feel it in my bones.

Tuesday we have Landon’s open house for Kindergarten, at which I’m going to try to hold back tears. Wednesday is his first day; he will be riding the bus to school for the first time. I’m pretty sure when he gets on the bus I’m going to lose it– I cry just thinking about it. I can see it play out in my head the way it’s actually going to happen and the way I wish it was happening– me, holding my sweet girl, waving her little arm at her big brother with Shane standing next to us, as he looks out the window and waves goodbye to us.

Ugh. Heartbreak at it’s finest.

Wednesday is also the day we have our 7 week ultrasound. The ultrasound in which we should hear a heartbeat. Needless to say my last ultrasound with a child inside of me was fucking awful so I’m very scared.

The timing of the shit happening this week is so fucking cruel.

nothing.

Posted by Randi

Today has been a rough day. I don’t know why these days seem to come so randomly; when they come, they come on like a hurricane. Yesterday I slept until noon. I haven’t done this since I was probably 16 years old. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and thank god Shane just let me sleep. This morning, the same thing, I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I know it’s normal to feel tired right now; I was SO tired when pregnant with Kenley. I just really think that it’s something else. I think that it’s my desire to be alone and stay in bed so I don’t have to deal with the day for any longer than I have to, honestly.

I know that I am depressed. I know that I take medicine, and it helps. I know that some days are always going to be harder than the others, but fuck. Today just sucked so much life out of me that I want to go to bed right now…at 8:49pm. Today was one of those days that drug on, and on. Shane left for work at 1, so it was just Landon and I all day. Usually, I can handle him and we figure out things to occupy us throughout the day. Today…he was wild. So full of energy and just wound up so tight. I know it’s because we haven’t been able to get out of the house as it’s been hotter than the surface of the sun outside. My dad stopped by after visiting the drag strip near our house today. That broke up the day a little bit, but Landon gets so crazy around him.

After he left, we made dinner and watched some TV together. To my surprise he cuddled with me. After a while he got up and went to his bedroom; he came back with the stuffed bear I was given when I left the hospital. He climbed back up on the couch and handed it to me. That was it. Nothing else was said, and we kept watching tv.

I’m not sure if he knew I was feeling rough, or if he was missing her too.

I saw a link today to a book called “The Story Of” and I just lost it. It’s a book that can be personalized with your child’s name and loss information to tell the story about why they are no longer here. I went on the website and just browsed through the pictures that are available for your “child” to be drawn as. Ugh. Just so many UGHS. I don’t want to buy a book to fucking talk about how my child died, and why she’s not here– Yet, I want it so badly. I want to have it, just another thing to put into a chest that will sit at the end of my bed and hold all of her things. Things like her quilt that my Mamaw made specifically for Kenley after I showed her a few pictures. She took so much time picking out the fabric, and creating this special thing for her great grand daughter; her great grand daughter who will never ever get to use that quilt. Or, the crocheted blanket that my Mom made for her, with a rainbow border…because she was supposed to be my rainbow baby.

Those things will sit in the chest along with her memory box with her foot prints on the top, her lock of beautiful auburn hair, her bracelets from the hospital, the outfits that we took photos of her in at the hospital, and her baby book. The baby book I filled in while sitting in her Nursery, feeling her move inside of me.

I miss my beautiful baby girl so much.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Kenley. I am so sorry.

balloons.

Posted by Randi

Tuesday was my Father in law’s 60th Birthday; My Mother in law’s was Wednesday. We went over to visit, and have pizza. Landon and Madison (my 6 year old niece) were playing with balloons; they started asking questions about sending the balloons into outer space. I told them both that on Kenley’s 1st birthday I want to buy a bunch of balloons and send them up to K. Immediately, they both screamed that they wanted to do it RIGHT NOW.

We walked outside, those two with their foil helium filled birthday balloons, and me with my phone to take pictures. When we got outside, they both were laughing and excited to send the balloons up to Kenley. They let them go, and watched them until they couldn’t see them anymore. They had such a good time letting them go.

Fast Forward to today, just right now…

I’m doing dishes, and look up out the window…At the very back of my property I see something shining and blue stuck in a pine tree– It’s a blue foil balloon.

It’s even a star, just like the ones they let off

I’m pretty sure that someone sent her brother back a balloon. I showed Landon, and he is so excited. If these things are the things that I can do to make him happy, and remember his little sister in a happy way, then I will find these moments as often as I can.

We miss you, baby girl. We all miss you so incredibly much.

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