Month: October 2016

family, weddings, and refi- Oh my!

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I’m here! I swear!

I’ve been so busy this past week that I really haven’t had time to post much of anything.

On Wednesday of last week all 3 (well 4) of us made the trip up to my hometown for my little sisters wedding. We spent the next 2 days setting up, typing up loose ends, and making sure everything was perfect for her big day. Friday, we had the rehearsal, then we all hung out and ate BBQ (which was freakin delish).

Saturday morning we woke up and met everyone at the hair salon. I was one of the first ones to get my hair done that way my mom and I could go do the things that we needed to do for the wedding. When we were done with those things, we gathered up my sisters dress, our dresses, and headed to her house to wait for the other girls to get there. Once everyone was there we started getting ready. I’m pretty sure my sister has about $500 in foundation in her makeup arsenal. We had pizza, and everyone was drinking (except me and another girl) and having a good time. The videographer arrived, followed by the photographer. Soon it was time to get into our dresses, and get Cassie into hers.

Once everyone was ready, we walked outside and got some photos done in their back yard.

Then…off we went to the ceremony! Everything kind of happened really fast. Landon was the ring bearer, and did a really freakin great job. I couldn’t even believe how good he did. I kind of figured he would be nervous or something, but nope. My little boy is a social butterfly (more to come on this later lol). They were finally married and people were hanging out taking pictures and drinking beer. Around 4:30 the party bus came to pick up the bridal  party for photos and ridiculous amounts of booze for those able to drink.

We drove around and got some really fun pictures in special places. Then, we arrived back at the reception venue. We were greeted by the DJ and he explained where we were to walk, what we were to do etc. We walked in, and all met on the dance floor waiting for the newly married couple. After a few photos, and them cutting the cake (side note- they cut the cake, and ate their own pieces instead of feeding each other. I lol’ed so hard) we were seated. Then, it was time for my speech. I wrote it with the help of Shane in hopes that I could make it light hearted and I wouldn’t cry. I was pretty sure I could handle it without breaking down- wrong. Pretty much everything makes me cry these days, but just being there with her, and seeing how beautiful and happy she looked filled my heart with so much joy.

It made me miss the days where we were so little, and I hated being near her. It made me wish that I could go back and relive those times with her. Now, she’s 125 miles away at all times and I can’t see her whenever I want. It really makes me sad pretty much 24/7 because besides Shane, she is my best friend.

So anyway, I cried. Barely able to get it together to finish my story, but I managed. Then we were released to eat and I ate some of the best freakin mashed potatoes I’ve ever eaten in my lifeeeeee. I want them right now, actually. The rest of the night is kind of a blur. Lots of people dancing, lots of talking to family that I haven’t seen since Kenley died. Tons of people came up to me and told me that they read this blog and that really touched my heart so thank you guys for saying the things that you did to me. I love that Kenley is so loved by all of you.

Landon was a dancing machine. I’m going to try and upload a video so you can see it because oh my god. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more love for this kid than at the moment he was called to the dance floor by himself to dance to AC/DC TNT….and he tore that shit up. He has some real moves, I was impressed!!

 


All in all the weekend was a great success. I had such a good time, Shane had a nice time relaxing and being away from home, too. Landon found a new love in Amanda, and I’m pretty sure Cassie had an awesome time. Now for some pictures!

 

We are getting our house appraised in hopes that we can eliminate our PMI payment, combine our IVF loan (home equity loan) and our mortgage into one payment, and save close to $700 a month. We have our appraisal set for Thursday @ 2:30, and were trying to get the few things done (paint touch ups, patching a hole in the wall that shane made while chasing Landon around the house one day) before the appraiser comes. I’m kind of stressing out a little about it strictly because she is going to go into Kenley’s nursery. She is going to see that we are without a baby, and that the Nursery looks untouched. She is going to see the sign on our wall that says our baby was too beautiful for earth and her birthdate. She’s going to wonder, and probably ask.

I am not afraid to tell her about Kenley. I am not afraid to talk about her. I will talk about her, very openly. I just hope that she doesn’t panic and leave our house feeling weirded out because yeah…dead babies are not a fun topic. Whatever. I guess we will see how it goes. Send the good vibes my way…hopefully our house appraises for what we need so we can catch a fucking break.

 

While we were home we had lunch at a little Chinese place that we used to frequent when we lived there. While we were eating, my IG dinged letting me know that I had a DM. I was contacted by a woman named Lauren from Breastfeeding World asking if I would be willing to write a piece in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss month about Kenley. I was so touched that she reached out to me, and I cannot wait for my piece to be featured on this Friday!  I will link to it on Friday when it’s posted in case anyone wants to read it. I shared some photos that I haven’t shared before, and it was really emotional for me to write. I hope someday that I can write a piece for them about the joys I will (hopefully) feel when I am able to breastfeed my Rainbow baby.

 

I have an MFM appointment on Thursday at 10:30. This will just be a check up to make sure everything is looking good. I have been feeling little miss kicking off and on more lately. I guess my MFM typically finds the heartbeat via ultrasound instead of doppler, which I am ok with, but I just hope that maybe I can talk her into letting me see her for a few seconds. I haven’t in like 5 weeks and it’s killing me.

 

And finally, Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. My Sister had a special place for Kenley at a memorial table with a K, fox, and candle. It was very sweet, and moved me to tears. I also was sent many many texts, DMs, etc to let me know that a candle was being lit for Kenley and that she was being thought of. I wanted to show you all the candles that were lit for her, so here they are.

So there is a run down of what’s been up in my neck of the woods. I’m hoping that things are going to calm down after this week so I can get back to regular posting. I feel so much comfort when I speak about Kenley and how she impacts my life. I love that little girl so incredibly much…I missed her so bad this weekend.

I miss her every second of every day.

I will miss her for the rest of my life.

 

 

wave of light.

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Tomorrow is the big day – My little sisters wedding. It’s been a long time in the making, and we’ve busted our asses getting it all set up. I love how it has turned out, and I cannot wait to be there tomorrow to celebrate with her! She set up a table in memorial for her fiancés brother who passed away, and Kenley. It is beautiful, and it made me cry. I’m so thankful that she included our sweet girl.


Tomorrow is also another big day – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

At 7 pm around the world in all time zones you are asked to light a candle in memory of all the babies and children gone too soon. I’m asking you to light a candle for my sweet girl, Kenley, tomorrow evening. If you do this, I also would love to see a picture of it. If you know me, and know my phone number, text me. If you follow me on IG, upload it and tag me, or DM it to me. If you don’t know any of those things and you still want to show me the candle you lit for my sweet girl, send it through my contact page here.

I hope that many of you will participate in this tomorrow not only for our sweet girl, but for all her little friends that were taken too soon.

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home. 

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I am “home” for my little sister’s wedding this weekend. 

I say “home” because this is where I grew up, but it’s not my home anymore.

 My home is where my life is with my Husband and Landon. 

My home is where my baby girl’s tree is planted. 

My home is where her urn (that I kiss every night) sits on my dresser…

I’m struggling with the fact that this is the first time all 3 of us have gone somewhere together and left her urn at home. 

I know she is not there…I understand that… but it is so hard to not feel absolutely guilt stricken about it. 

Blah. Life after loss is stupid. 

joy. 

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I didn’t have a good day today. I cried a lot. I have a terrible headache, and I feel emotionally drained. 

I thought I was feeling strong enough to go to Target (after having a bad day) for wrapping paper, and I was wrong. I was overwhelmed and panicky the entire (10 minute) trip. 

Some days I don’t know how I do it. How do I wake up, and put on a happy face for my son, when I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. 

I don’t know why this is my life. 

I don’t know how this became my life. 

I miss you. 

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Yesterday, my Brother in Law got married. 

Shane was in the wedding, and looked so so handsome. Like, so handsome that my heart was bursting with love for him. Landon was also in the wedding and looked SO. FREAKING. ADORABLE. 

Seeing them together, dressed up, and being so father/son like just broke my heart. It made me feel very lucky to have them in my life…but, it also made me feel so incredibly alone. 

I should have had Kenley in my arms. She should have been wearing something adorable. She should have been waving to her big brother. She should be here. She should be here. She should fucking be here. 

Instead…I sat alone…Watching my two boys love on each other, while my heart was breaking. 

photo prompt.

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As many of you know, I am doing the capture your grief challenge on my IG. Each day’s prompt gives you an outlet to speak about the real emotions related to losing your child. Today’s prompt was Beautiful Mysteries.

Um. Ouch. Mega mega ouch.

This prompt urged you to speak about the mysteries of your child. I chose to speak of where I would see Kenley now. What would she be? Who would she be? I found todays prompt extremely hard. I have a rough time with envisioning my dead baby as a real baby. I don’t know if it’s strictly because I don’t want to think about it because I know it can never happen. I don’t know if I don’t want to hurt my heart like that? When I opened my heart for this challenge today, I just found myself crying while writing it. I chose to use a photo of Kenley’s hair for todays photo. Her beautiful, auburn, strawberry hair makes my heart melt; it was the most beautiful color. The lock of hair we have from her is dark brown, though. I don’t remember it looking that way in real life, and I HATE that. I hate that I can’t clearly recall what her hair looked like. Sure, photos help, but she’s my daughter…why does my brain block it out?

Grief brain?

Is it my heart and soul protecting itself?

I’m not sure what it is, but I am sure one one thing…I would give anything to be able to see her one more time.

 

 

random.

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I think today is going to be a post of a bunch of random things because I can’t really think of a way to put them into an organized post…so here goes nothing.

• I’m participating in the capture your grief social media photo prompt challenge. I really enjoy writing all of my feelings out, even when they don’t make sense or come off super bitchy. I don’t mean them to come off that way, but it seems like they do. It doesn’t make me worried that they’re offending people because that’s not the point of the photo challenge, it’s to express your feelings. I think it’s very helpful for me. I didn’t think I would be able to do it, honestly. I thought that I would just cry every single day when I went to post, but I’m handling it pretty well. I’m proud of myself.

• Yesterday was my birthday. I knew it was going to suck (emotionally) strictly because it was supposed to be so different than it actually was. I was supposed to have my beautiful almost 10 month old daughter with me. I don’t really know how I expected the day to go had she been here, but she wasn’t here and it sucked- bottom line. Shane and Landon bought me flowers, and cards so that was super nice. Shane spent the day hanging our new bathroom light fixture, and installed two new dimmer switches in the house. We had a nice dinner with Landon and watched Harry Potter. It was a nice day, just a sad one.

• Landon LOVES Harry Potter. I mean, he asks to watch it every night. We are already on the Goblet of Fire. I don’t see his interest slowing down any time soon. He even asked to be Harry for halloween. My heart is so full! (We are mega HP nerds here…) After Shane and I found out we were pregnant, we took a trip to Orlando and went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was the first place that Kenley went when she existed. I was so happy to know that she was with me then.

• I’ve spent way too much time in front of the TV the past day or so watching news about the Hurricane. I mean…like WAY too much time. I find it very interesting, honestly. I’ve been watching clips from Haiti and there are children standing next to rushing water. Uh…maybe don’t stand so close???? It gives me serious anxiety!

• This morning we got Landon up and ready for school. We watched him get on the bus, and then came back inside. When I walked in, Shane yelled “hey wanna watch tv in bed for a little bit?”. UM. YES. So we laid in bed, watched the weather channel, had breakfast in bed, and ended up falling asleep. It was such a nice relaxing morning. I do not remember the last time I felt that relaxed. I didn’t roll my ass out of bed until 12:40! It was amazing.

• Next weekend my little sister is getting married. I’m hoping to be able to head to my hometown in the middle of the week next week. We’ll see what happens with Shane’s work schedule, but it would be nice for all of us to “get away” for a little bit, even if it is going to be hectic.

• I can feel myself maybe falling back into a slump? I’m not sure exactly what it is that I’m feeling, but I have been putting off house work again, and just feeling like I want to sleep all the time. I know it very well could be the fact that I’m pregnant, but it doesn’t feel that way. I dunno. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it. What does that even mean? I guess i’ll just wait and see how much more laundry builds up and I will equate that to how I’m feeling emotionally? Ugh.

• and last but not least…we went to Lowe’s on Wednesday while Landon was in school. We walked through the paint, and picked out a few colors for this baby’s room. We had talked about what colors we wanted to look at, so…I decided that since I have officially hit my 2nd trimester (already…) that I would look. So, there’s that.

 

10/6

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Well tomorrow is my birthday and I have been avoiding it like the plague. 

I got a card in the mail today from a friend that’s pretty funny and it made me laugh. Then people started texting- “what are your plans tomorrow!”, “you’re gonna be old tomorrow!”, “I hope you have a good birthday!”…..

I appreciate all the love, I really do, but I just can’t. Last year at this time I was 6 months pregnant. I remember last years birthday so incredibly vividly. I don’t know if there is anything I remember more clearly for some reason? 

It was a Tuesday. I got ready for the day and waited for Shane to get home from work. Landon was sort of sick. When Shane got home he gave me the most beautiful gift in the world- a past present and future diamond ring. It’s so beautiful and I wear it every single day. I saw it and immediately in my mind thought “when I die this will go to Kenley and my wedding set will go to Landon”. 

This ring was from all 3 of them. 

We went to the rusty bucket for dinner. I had potstickers and we had bread pudding for dinner. It was a really awesome dinner because Landon was in a good mood. 

Afterward we went to babies R us. Landon didn’t feel good so he rode in the cart. We bought Kenley some blankets and another sleeper. 

When we were almost home, Landon got sick in the car. I remember we pulled over and had to clean him up. It was so disgusting. 

But when we got home, it was all better. 

I was so happy to be with my amazing husband, my poor sick son, and the beautiful girl I had in my belly. 

This year…31…was supposed to be so different. 

And sadly, it IS different. Just not in the way I had hoped. 

I’m pregnant…with a new baby…because the one I was carrying died. 

Happy fucking Birthday to me. 

fall. 

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I know that every holiday is going to suck, probably forever. Sure, the suckage might lessen as the years drone on and on, but they will always be missing our family member. My sweet girl will always be a “what if” for me. What would I have dressed her in this year for Halloween? 

You know, I can’t even answer that because my heart won’t let me think about it. It hurts way too fucking much. It stings. It’s like someone stabbing me over and over in this open wound that I call my heart now. 

No matter what it’s always going to be painful. 

Tonight, we went to get pumpkins. Landon chose two pumpkins for both of his sisters. He has a heart old gold, that boy. He also chose a super small decorative pumpkin and said that it was  “just incase I have a brother some day”.  He had such a good time and loved looking at all the fall things this place had to offer. 

I, however, could not help but be sad I wasn’t pushing her in a stroller, or giving her a small sip of apple cider to see her little face pucker up. 

These things, these normal everyday things, that “regular” people take for granted are so painful. I know I took them for granted with Landon, for sure. Hell yes I took them for granted- I never in a million years thought there would EVER be a reason I should feel otherwise. 

But, now that it’s fall, my heart is still broken and my arms are still empty, I can’t help but realize how much I’ve taken for granted with Kenley. 

I would love to be inconvenienced by anything Kenley related, besides her death. I would give up my life to hear her cry just once; to hear her take a breath of the air she will never breathe. 

I just wanted to buy you a pumpkin…and be able to see you hold it. 

But, instead, it will sit on the front porch with all the others- untouched by your beautiful little hands. 

And seeing that? That will break my heart all over again. 

good day. 

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Today I had a good day. I’m going to enjoy this because they are seriously so so rare. I don’t think I got irritated, sad, upset, or angry at all today.

I cannot remember the last time this happened.

I also felt little miss W (or A, were not sure yet…) move a bunch. I am trying to enjoy her more, she is my child after all but it’s all so complicated.

So yeah.

Good day.