randoms.

Posted by Randi

• Last night Alden ate at 11, and slept until 4:30 without waking up. Normal parent = Happy! Sleep! Loss mom = is she alive?!

• Landon had tball again tonight and it was such a nice day! Shane and my Father in law are now assistant coaches on the team and it makes my heart overflow with joy. Shane loves Landon so much, so to see this happen was pretty cool.

• Landon has a zoo field trip tomorrow. I was going to chaperone, buteach chaperone would be in charge of X kindergarteners and I have a newborn sooooo…

• I cannot believe my boy is almost in first grade. What in the actual hell. Time is flying and I feel so old.

• Speaking of old, I have way too many wrinkles. Looking at photos of myself is terrifying sometimes.

• I wish I had hand and foot molds of Kenley’s hands and feet. What I would give to see them again.

• Shane bought me a keurig for our anniversary! We usually don’t drink kcups because well…Shane’s a coffee snob for lack of better word! I’m super surprised he bought it for me because it goes against all he believes in as far as good coffee goes!

• I am so tired and don’t think Shane and I have had 5 seconds to even hug in the past month and a half. I’m really looking forward to our date night on Saturday- even if it means all we do is sleep haha!

• I got my hair done the other day. It’s a blonde bayalage and I really like it a lot but it’s going to take some getting used to. I’m used to my whole head being bright blonde, this is more subtle and white. It’s exactly where I want to go so I hope to be able to lighten it even more this summer!

• We’ve been talking to a home builder and finally got a rough estimate on what it would cost to build the home we want. It’s one of those things where we can totally do it, but It would all depend on us selling our house for a decent price and making money. If we made enough to buy land, building wouldn’t be an issue and we would be fine. Who knows, still trying to get Shane on board 110%.

• I’ve been finding it hard to separate my grief from daily life again. Not saying it has ever gotten easier or gone away, but it sometimes is easier than others. I’m not sure why it’s getting rough again…but it’s starting to feel really heavy again. I think I could use a little break; a vacation to relax.

• I need to pull weeds, get mulch for out front and refill my bird feeders.

Apparently this has become a to do list so that’s all I’ve got tonight.

5.8.10.

Posted by Randi

Tomorrow is our 7 year wedding anniversary.

I am usually really good at these things, but this year I forgot to get Shane a card. I’m pretty mad at myself for that. I did manage to get him two gifts, but still…ugh.

Married 7 years.

Together 13 years.

Who would have ever imagined that the month after we got married, we would have conceived Landon naturally!

Who would have ever imagined the pain and suffering that would come after that.

5.8.14 We were in TN with our second pregnancy celebrating.

5.18.14 (this is the day that Shane and I first met back in 2004) we suffered our first miscarriage.

5.8.15 We’re pregnant with Kenley, and in Florida at Harry Potter world…the best vacation of my life. My sweet little nugget tucked inside me, growing away safely.

5.8.16 We are utterly heartbroken and do not celebrate our anniversary at all. But, Shane buys me flowers anyway.

5.8.17 Our sweet rainbow is here and our anniversary is less awful…although I did cry while giving Shane his gifts tonight (he works in the AM).

Why is everything overshadowed?

Anniversary, yep.

Christmas, hell fucking yep.

Just blah. That’s all I can muster sometimes anymore.

Tonight I took a bath with Alden. While I was sitting there, washing her and watching her kick her little legs in the water, I couldn’t help but be overcome with emotions. I remember so vividly taking baths with Kenley inside of me, kicking like crazy. I remember being so excited to take a bath with her when she was on the outside. Sitting there with Alden just hammered home the fact I will never get those moments with Kenley. I love Alden, and seeing her loving the bath made my heart happy, but it is so bittersweet.

Sometimes there is no other way to explain how I feel except Sad.

Some days I just feel sad.

t-ball.

Posted by Randi

On Wednesday night I got a voicemail from Landon’s t-ball coach. He told us that Landon’s team had practice this Saturday @ 11am. It’s been raining for 3 days, and I’m pretty sure that practice is going to be canceled tomorrow (not to mention it’s freezing cold for May). Shane and I went out the next day to buy him new cleats and baseball pants while he was at School.

I was doing dishes tonight and my mind got to thinking about last t-ball season. After one of the first practices last year is when I started my blog. I think about how fresh in my grief I was, and about the things that bothered me then. If I’m being honest, not much has changed. I know a lot of people think that by now, at 16 months and 6 days after our daughter was stillborn, we should be feeling better, but the sad truth is we’re just not. I don’t know that we will ever “feel better” as I’m pretty sure this isn’t something you learn to feel better about. I think about how I was so upset seeing the family who had 3 kids perfectly spaced out…and that stings even more this year in some odd way.

Three kids.

I have 2

but…I have 3.

And this year, we’re on a team where no one knows our family’s story…

I’m not looking forward to all the families- the normal families- at these events. There were more strollers at the games last year than I could ever count. Now this year, I have to witness the little girls running around that would be Kenley’s age. I just don’t know how your heart is supposed to handle these things…year after year…

I know it’s a lifetime thing, and someday I’m sure i’ll be less aware of the ages of these children, but for now it just fucking sucks. And it sucks a lot.

I’m very excited to have Alden here, safe, in my arms. I’m excited that she gets to come to Landon’s t-ball games and he gets to show her off to his friends. I’m thrilled that I feel stressed out about having two kids and often having to take them alone to Landon’s games as Shane will be working…but…

There will always be one missing. It feels weird to say that because who knows, maybe there wouldn’t always be one missing per se. If Kenley had lived, we wouldn’t have Alden- we were done. If Kenley had lived things would be different. If Kenley had lived, I would be chasing around a 16 month old and she would be eating popcorn and waving at her brother while he’s on third base putting dirt in his glove instead of paying attention to the ball.

So many If’s associated with loss, and it’s just so sad to think about. I don’t like to let my mind go there because it’s too sad and painful. I can’t even do the “May we all heal” prompts this year. I’m pretty sure my grief has just become a part of me now; it’s now deep in my bones where it will stay for the rest of my earthly life.

I think my grief is so intense that I cannot allow myself to think about it because it will straight up kill me.

Imagine having to live every day knowing that you cannot see one of your children. Ever again.

Imagine waking up to their photo- in which they are dead- instead of their face.

Imagine thinking about the day they died every. second. of. your. life.

Imagine thinking if you had gone to the Hospital that morning instead of waiting that she could be here, she would be alive, they could have saved her because the doctor said she had only been gone for less than 3 hours.

Imagine having to choose one of your children to live without.

It’s enough to kill you, isn’t it?

body.

Posted by Randi

After being pregnant for nearly 2 years, I have a hard time looking at my non pregnant self. I find that I am so used to being pregnant that I don’t like the way I look while not pregnant. I’ve never had high self esteem, and am always picking myself apart, so being pregnant made me feel beautiful. When I was pregnant with Landon, I wore scrubs a lot and didn’t really care about “being pregnant”, but as the years went on I learned to appreciate pregnancy and the way women looked while carrying a baby. I never thought I would get to carry another child so when I got pregnant with Kenley, I was thrilled.

I watched my body change and grow; I was so thrilled when I started getting a bump. As it grew, I loved watching how it looked in different clothes. I would take weekly bump pictures to watch how it changed and compare them to the previous weeks. I documented everything next to my bump; If Landon gave me a flower for his sister, I would take a photo with it next to my bump, or I would take pictures of Landon kissing my bump. I loved taking a bath with my bump sticking out of the water, watching Kenley move around. E I thought I became in tune with her movements inside, but I guess I hadn’t. That is one thing that just eats at me every day.

When Kenley died, I lost all of my weight in the Hospital. I ended up losing 50 lbs in 6 weeks after I got home. It was incredibly hard to hear people say how “good” I looked. Good? I just lost my daughter…the one thing that I wanted more than anything in the entire world has been ripped away from me and you’re going to compliment the way I look. It was so hard to hear those words. It is still hard to hear compliments.

The 7 months that I was not pregnant, I didn’t eat much, I didn’t focus on anything except the fact I had lost my daughter and trying to get pregnant again. When I got pregnant with Alden, I was terrified at how I would feel when I started to get a bump again. I was scared that it would cause PTSD, or it would make me sick looking at it. The opposite happened actually. I found that once it started to happen, I sort of allowed myself to let the walls down a bit.

Around 20 weeks, Shane and I went to babies r us for the first time since before Kenley died. I cried first thing through the door, and a few times while inside. I bought Alden’s first piece of clothing that day- A carters 3 piece set that said “one of a kind” and the pants had a mouse on the butt. I felt like the shirt I bought for her said it all.

Now that she’s here safely, I am back to struggling with the way I look. I don’t know if I’ll ever be pregnant again, and that’s really sad to me. I guess it might be time for me to work on accepting the person I am when not pregnant. It’s so complicated because I feel like I’ve lost myself; if I’m not the woman who is trying to conceive, undergoing infertility treatments, or carrying a baby…who am I?

It’s been a really long 5 years.

everyday stress (& randoms)

Posted by Randi

Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how to strike a balance between my every day stressors, my grief, and my two living children. It’s not easy, and I’m really afraid that I’m doing a shitty job. There are days that I just literally cannot do anything except exist and I feel that is extremely hard. Then, there are days where I feel good- positive almost. It never fails that those days where the positivity starts to creep in always end in disaster. I will feel ok then something will happen in the afternoon that makes me derail and feel like shit. I can handle the fact that Kenley died; I’ve almost come to accept the fact in a way…but add in the every day crap and it just sends me over the edge.

I’m trying to figure out how to balance all of that. I know that I will never wake up and feel “normal” and I really don’t want to feel that way. I feel like normal is a relative word and I’m discovering what my “new” normal is every day.

I had a follow up MFM appointment on Thursday. They gave me a postpartum depression questionnaire thing to fill out. When my Dr came in she said ” So your depression scale was really high” (no shit) so we decided to add in an anti-anxiety medication on top of my anti-depressant. I know that I need this medication to get my shit under control. Then we talked about a few other things like when I would be able to get pregnant again if we decided to do so, testing to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that will require lifetime medication, and was given a full exam.

Not allowed to transfer an embryo for at least a year if we decide to have more children.
Went to the lab to have blood drawn
Full exams suck

The next day the doctor called and told me that my Protein S levels were in normal range which means that it was artificially lowered in pregnancy BY pregnancy…This means that Kenley did not die from my blood clotting disorder because I don’t technically have one. I am NOT ok with this answer, so I am seeking out a hematologist to discuss things further. It does not make sense that my levels were so extremely low during pregnancy and I took blood thinners and bam, Alden’s here alive and healthy and Kenley died. I’m just confused on it all so I will leave this open ended and post more about it when I know more/have more time.

Yesterday should have been a good friends Daughters 1st Birthday. She was taken too soon, just like all of our babies. I went to Starbucks and said my name was Meredith so they would write it on my cup, and I paid for the two cars behind me in honor of Meredith on her birthday. (Also- side note- had a cake pop for the first time…omfg. so good.)

My planner is full of names of babies who are gone too soon, and I hate it. It makes me so sad. These poor babies should be here with their parents, it’s just unfair.

Alden is nearly rolling from front to back already. It’s insane! She has almost done it three times now, and I give her a few days before she masters it. She’s such a good baby, I’m so thankful that she isn’t colicky like her brother because I would not be able to handle it.

I need to get my hair done, Landon needs a hair cut, and so does Shane. It’s insane. We all look homeless.

The paving company came last Monday to fill in the sides of our driveway with dirt, and no one told me they were coming. I was in my robe at 8am and my door bell rang. I thought it was UPS and didn’t answer it, then I hear the sounds of dump trucks backing up. When I looked outside there were tons of machines and men working. WTAF? Why didn’t anyone tell me they were coming????? I walked out and told them, hey sorry I didn’t move the truck, no one gave me a date or time for the work to start so you’re going to have to work around it. This week they should come to seal the drive way (per the man doing the work last week…) so we’ll see what happens. They didn’t tamp the dirt down, so when it rained yesterday the dirt ran into my yard. Shane took pics and sent them to the company because that shouldn’t happen, and quite frankly this company has been shit-tacular at best in doing the jobs the way they should.

I can’t wait until it’s all done, and we can not have to worry about them anymore. I will be hiring other people to seal the driveway in the following years.

When it’s all done, were buying Landon a basketball hoop for the driveway. Then, we will be getting mulch, and flowers for the front of the house. I can’t wait to get my daffodils planted around all the trees and get the house looking nice again for spring time. I’m pretty sure that Kenley’s tree is dead; it’s pretty “crisp” and hasn’t had any new buds this spring sooooo……I guess I’ll give it another year.

Yesterday, Kenley should have been 16 months old.

Ouch. My heart.

coffee.

Posted by Randi

Alden woke up at 6 this morning to eat. I felt pretty good after feeding her, so I put her back to sleep (read: laid her down cus she was passed the heck out anyway), and I went to make coffee. I looked out the kitchen window and noticed it look so calm outside. I grabbed a cup of coffee and decided to walk out on the back deck, something that I never do in the mornings.

I walked outside. It was so calm, and so still. I couldn’t hear a car, I couldn’t hear anything other than birds quietly chirping as if they were just waking up. I stood there, warm coffee in hand thinking of Kenley; Of how quiet the morning was…of how quiet her birth was. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking moment as the sun slowly started to rise.

Then, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

It was a fox…

and it was walking across my back yard.

I cannot tell you if I have ever seen a fox in “nature” before, but for some reason this morning there was a beautiful one trotting across my back yard at 6:30 a.m. It walked from the field, to my yard, to the side of my yard, then down our tree line back to the field. When it reached the fence of my yard, it stopped for 2-3 seconds and stared at me.

I burst into tears.

I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more at peace in my life…

two years.

Posted by Randi

Today, two years ago, I found out I was expecting Kenley.

After nearly three years of infertility struggles we were finally pregnant.

Two years have passed. Two.

How?

My poor sweet girl. I wish I could have saved you.

Infertility awareness week.

Posted by Randi

I never in a million years thought this would be us. We actually struggled with secondary infertility. We had Landon with zero problems so when we learned of our issues it was a huge shock.

Most days I blame myself for my infertility issues. What could I have done to change the outcome? If I didn’t have DOR would I have been able to conceive my sweet girl myself and been able to keep her?

Maybe even both of them? It’s so hard to envision a scenario where I get to have both of my daughters alive and with me.

Struggling with infertility was awful. We tried naturally for a year with no luck. We then did 5 rounds of clomid which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy on the first round. Clomid is the devil and to add a loss in there was just the cherry on top.

Then we did 2 femara cycles with no luck.

Then we did a tamoxifen cycle that was going to be an IUI but we got cancelled. I ended up pregnant and had a chemical pregnancy.

I did another IUI cycle with my last dose of clomid for life (per my REs recommendations). It didn’t work.

Then, I was able to talk my doctor into allowing me to use injectable meds and do an IUI.

This worked.

On April 26, 2015 I found out I was expecting Kenley.

Two years have almost passed. Two. About the same amount of time we tried for her has passed. It’s insane. My grief brain does not comprehend time anymore.

I miss her. I miss her so incredibly bad.

Anyway, all this to say lend extra support and love to anyone struggling this week. Infertility is awful and if you’ve never been there,you don’t know how dark of a place it truly can be.

Reach out. Talk about it. Break the silence.

choosing.

Posted by Randi

You shouldn’t be here. But, you are because your sister died.

This is what I was thinking while I was feeding Alden at 3 am last night; I let my mind get the best of me. I don’t think that very often (I don’t allow myself to go there) but it’s true. Alden would not be here if Kenley had survived. This fact fills me with a lot of weird emotions; I feel guilty for even thinking it.

Having a “Rainbow” sort of makes you feel like you’re choosing one child over the other. I have to focus a lot of my attention on Alden, so sometimes I feel like I don’t properly focus on Kenley. I know she isn’t physically here, and doesn’t require physical attention, but she requires SO MUCH mental and emotional attention that it’s insane. She dominates my thoughts most days. It’s not as if I’m sad all the time, it just seems like she’s there with every breath I take.

I walk into the store, and think about her.

I wake up, I see her picture next to my bad and think about her.

I put Alden on the changing pad on her dresser, I think of Kenley.

She is in all things; she IS all things.

Not being able to focus attention on Kenley some days really makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I’m being a bad parent to her.

How do you parent a dead child???? There is no fucking book for this and so I’m winging it. And 99% of the time I’m pretty sure that I’m doing a terrible job at life.

Adulting is the worst, throw in losing a child and it’s a recipe for emotional and mental disaster.

I just need a break.

always grief.

Posted by Randi

Having a “rainbow baby” doesn’t take away the grief of losing a child, it preoccupies you with having a new life to care for, which puts your grief (and everything else in life) on the back burner. It also means that you are taken by “grief surprise” more often. Normal every day things seem to be super heavy when maybe they weren’t before, even while carrying your rainbow.

Some days everything just feels like I am trying to complete a task with an extra 500lbs on my chest. Some days I wonder how I am still alive, and how I get up to face the day. Easter and the day before were those days for me recently. I knew that we were going to Shane’s grandma’s for Easter and while I love his family so incredibly much, I knew it would be hard. It will ALWAYS be hard from now on. To make matters worse, there is a child in the family who is a month and a half older than what Kenley should be. I see that child, I think of what I’m missing. You can surely understand why it’s hard? It’s not this child’s (or her parents) fault my daughter died, but it still stings more than there are words and I will never not be sad around them. That is my life now.

Easter morning it was just me, Landon and Alden. Landon ran into our room saying “the Easter bunny came!” Then he excitedly ran out to get both his and Alden’s baskets. As I was putting them together the day before, it just hit me like a ton of bricks- there should be three, but there will always only be two.

Even if we have more children, we’re always going to be down one child and that is so fucking cruel. I know we’re not the only family who deals with this, but that doesn’t bring me any comfort what so ever.

Before anyone gives me crap about Landon’s basket and the math work book, he loves math! He asks for “plus” when we go to bed at night. The kid loves his math.

LOL at our creepy eggs. Thanks to Target for the pirate egg kit. Landon had fun…even if it was a day late. #parentingfail #doingthebestIcan

So needless to say, Easter was rough. I feel like such a bad mom, too. I didn’t buy Alden or Landon any cute little Easter specific outfit. (I also didn’t decorate eggs until today…) I’m kind of thinking that I just didn’t care enough, I’m just too sad to make an effort? I love my kids and I would love to dress them up all cute but this year was unexpectedly hard. I felt like the grief and sadness was fresh. Last year I was sad because Kenley should be have been here enjoying Easter, and this year I’m sad for that as well as feeling guilty that she isn’t here and Alden is.

It’s just all so messed up.

The thoughts in my brain are things that I can only share with a few select people. Loss mom’s, and maybe my mom or/and sister. They make no sense and they are dark and scary.

Today I was cleaning up the nursery. It’s been a disaster, like the entire house, since Alden came. I am overcome with anxiety which makes cleaning up pretty much impossible until I have a good day (today was a decent day so I took advantage) I don’t know why, but I started taking the newborn diapers out of the diaper caddy that I placed there with hopes and dreams of diapering Kenley. It was so so hard. I felt a heat rush over my body and down my chest.

How is this my life?

How am I deciding if I want to remove these or leave them there (probably forever) instead of just simply running out because they’ve all been used. It hurts. My eyes got hot because I knew I was going to start crying any second.

How is this my life?

In my before, they were just diapers, but now, unfortunately, they come with so much attached to them.

Sadness.

Grief.

Guilt because I’m replacing them with her sisters.

Parenting after a loss is all sorts of messy. You never know what a trigger is going to be ( although I knew these were a trigger…that’s why they’re still there…) I will never understand why this happened to our family, to my precious daughter who was wanted SO badly. I would give anything to have her laying here in front of me. No…she would probably be running around actually. Ugh.

The realizations of what she should be doing sting so badly. This is also why Easter was so. fucking. hard. this year. The child I mentioned above was walking, and running, and talking. That should be Kenley…and it never will be.

I guess I was feeling extra ambitious today (read: felt like torturing myself more then usual today) because I decided to put Alden in Kenley’s clothes again today. I chose a shirt that I picked for Kenley and fell in love with. It was in her diaper bag at the hospital when we found out she died. The leggings are the ones I had ordered just a few days before she died…they were in the mailbox the day we came home from the hospital.

I love seeing her wear these but I cannot help but wonder what Kenley would have looked like in them…

I also put her in the outfit my sister bought for her. She wasn’t too happy with it, but she looked cute so here’s the best picture I could get.

Not too pleased with all the picture taking

Alden is officially one month old! It’s flying by, and I can’t believe it.

She loves to sleep, eat and poop. She is recognizing our specific voices, and trying to grab her toys. She’s also been holding her head up for a long time now! Still wobbly as heck but she does a good job trying. Also, she’s a grunting, stretching, farting rude girl 🙂