Author: Randi

hedgehog.

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Landon told us he had a great first day at school! His friend Brayden rides his bus, so that made him excited I think. He didn’t really tell us much about his day at school; that’s just the type of kid he is. When we asked him about what he did, who he sat with, etc he didn’t give us but 1-3 word answers. We expected it though, so I wasn’t too disappointed. My mom, and dad however, probably were. They both called to ask Landon how his day went, and he really just wanted nothing to do with talking to another person about his day. To him, it’s like “what’s the freakin big deal?!”.

Shane and I decided that we were ready to tell him about the pregnancy (he mentioned some very sad things to me yesterday night, and I knew it was time to tell him). While we were all at the table eating lunch, I told him we had something to talk to him about. I was nervous and didn’t really know how to approach the situation because we were just here about a year ago with him. When we told him about Kenley, he was so excited. I have it on video, and I don’t know that I will ever be able to watch it again. This time, he was very excited as well- but it was different.

I ended up just showing him the ultrasound picture, and he sort of gasped. Shane and I smiled and waited on him to say something. I can’t really remember what he said, and what we said, but he was so excited. We told him that we were pregnant again, and we were going to have a baby. After her processed it for a little while, he looked right at us and said ” You guys were being secretive lately, so I already knew”. I am not even kidding you, those were the EXACT words out of my 5 year olds mouth. Wtf?

Shane and I laughed so hard. It kind of just took some of the stress off of the situation. Landon did ask if what happened to Kenley would happen to this baby, and we assured him that it would not happen again (although, it feels weird for me to promise him something won’t happen again when I can’t help but worry myself that it will happen…). We told him that we would be going to the doctor a lot more, and that the doctor would be watching this baby very closely. He asked us what happens if the doctor sees something wrong with this baby. We told him that the doctors would be taking very good care of us and they will do everything they can to make sure that we get to bring this baby home.

I hope that we get to bring this baby home.

 He was off school today (his school does a staggered start for the Kindergartners) so we hung out as a family for the day. We went to a local coffee house and hung out for a while. They offer painting of ceramic figures and Landon wanted to paint. 

He chose a hedgehog and said he wanted to paint it for his brand new baby sister. I think we have a nickname for our little one. 

emotional. 

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7

The title says it all; today has been super emotional for me (and Shane, too). This morning we woke up and got Landon ready for school. He was pretty excited so I think that helped me stay calm. We went out and waited for the bus at about 7:45; the bus was late and didn’t show up until 8:02. He was so excited when the bus stopped and turned on the light. I, however, had to hold back tears as I let his hand go and he got on the bus.

When he drove off, I cried. I knew I would, but I’m just so happy I could keep it together for him because had I cried, he would have cried too.


Then it was off to the RE for our ultrasound. It was the first time we would (hopefully) hear this baby’s heartbeat. When we got there we waited twenty (excruciatingly long)  minutes. The RE walked in and asked how I was- I said nervous. He seemed to forget that this was our first heartbeat scan. He turned the machine on and immediately said “well don’t be nervous because we have a heartbeat”. He asked if we wanted to hear and we said yes; What an all too familiar sound. Little miss has a heart rate of 138 @ 6w6d ( I thought we were 7w today, but I guess I’m wrong?).

Everything looked good, so we go back to the RE on August 31.

Next Thursday (25th) we see the MFM @ OSU for an intake ultrasound so I’m very happy we will have 2 scans in the next 2 weeks. My RE wrote the MFM a letter in hopes that they will get me in sooner than 9/22 for my first OB appointment.

So, all in all- good news today.

But Landon will be home in about 5-10 minutes so let’s see how his day went before we call it a 100% win 🙂

kindergarten.

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Tomorrow is the big day– Kindergarten.

We had open house today, and I think that Landon really enjoyed meeting his teacher. He liked his classroom, and kept looking at all the different things that they had in there. I’m very excited for him to go tomorrow. I, however, had to stop myself from crying about 3 times during the open house. It seemed like everyone had a baby sibling (of course a baby girl) in his class; three of them at least. Then, we had to fill out a form about him- basic information- and they asked for sibling names and ages…

Kenley — Stillborn.

Fucking ouch.

I don’t think that will ever stop taking the air right out of my lungs.

I think that Landon’s teacher will be amazing for him; she was really into his “Self portrait” today, and complimented him on his use of all the colors 🙂

Here are a few pictures that I took while we were there today.



Send all the good vibes tomorrow because I’m pretty sure I’m going to be a hot mess- Landon’s off to KG, and were off to the RE to get an ultrasound where we will hopefully see/hear a heartbeat…

 

butterfly.

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Today, Landon and I went to the grocery store; the parking lot was pretty empty (thank god).  I always look to make sure there aren’t many cars when we get there. Somedays I just can’t with people. We walked into the entryway to get our cart and- I’m not kidding you– there was a girl, probably 18 years old maybe, with her 8ish month old baby girl. FOR REAL?

It just never fails, you know? Whatever.

Fast forward to when Shane gets home from work. I told him I was going to go lay down for an hour or so. I ended up sleeping from 3-5, so a nice little nap. When I woke up, I walked out into the kitchen and there was an orange butterfly on the INSIDE of our sliding back door! How in the hell does that happen???

Why, hello, baby girl 🙂

She’s been around a lot these past few days.

On Saturday night before I went to bed, I held her urn and kissed it (like I do every night). When I kissed it, I told her to help me. I told her I needed help, and that I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this; I’m not strong enough.

I think she heard me loud and clear ❤

 

sunday.

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I know this week is going to be rough for me; I already feel it in my bones.

Tuesday we have Landon’s open house for Kindergarten, at which I’m going to try to hold back tears. Wednesday is his first day; he will be riding the bus to school for the first time. I’m pretty sure when he gets on the bus I’m going to lose it– I cry just thinking about it. I can see it play out in my head the way it’s actually going to happen and the way I wish it was happening– me, holding my sweet girl, waving her little arm at her big brother with Shane standing next to us, as he looks out the window and waves goodbye to us.

Ugh. Heartbreak at it’s finest.

Wednesday is also the day we have our 7 week ultrasound. The ultrasound in which we should hear a heartbeat. Needless to say my last ultrasound with a child inside of me was fucking awful so I’m very scared.

The timing of the shit happening this week is so fucking cruel.

nothing.

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7

Today has been a rough day. I don’t know why these days seem to come so randomly; when they come, they come on like a hurricane. Yesterday I slept until noon. I haven’t done this since I was probably 16 years old. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and thank god Shane just let me sleep. This morning, the same thing, I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I know it’s normal to feel tired right now; I was SO tired when pregnant with Kenley. I just really think that it’s something else. I think that it’s my desire to be alone and stay in bed so I don’t have to deal with the day for any longer than I have to, honestly.

I know that I am depressed. I know that I take medicine, and it helps. I know that some days are always going to be harder than the others, but fuck. Today just sucked so much life out of me that I want to go to bed right now…at 8:49pm. Today was one of those days that drug on, and on. Shane left for work at 1, so it was just Landon and I all day. Usually, I can handle him and we figure out things to occupy us throughout the day. Today…he was wild. So full of energy and just wound up so tight. I know it’s because we haven’t been able to get out of the house as it’s been hotter than the surface of the sun outside. My dad stopped by after visiting the drag strip near our house today. That broke up the day a little bit, but Landon gets so crazy around him.

After he left, we made dinner and watched some TV together. To my surprise he cuddled with me. After a while he got up and went to his bedroom; he came back with the stuffed bear I was given when I left the hospital. He climbed back up on the couch and handed it to me. That was it. Nothing else was said, and we kept watching tv.

I’m not sure if he knew I was feeling rough, or if he was missing her too.


I saw a link today to a book called “The Story Of”  and I just lost it. It’s a book that can be personalized with your child’s name and loss information to tell the story about why they are no longer here. I went on the website and just browsed through the pictures that are available for your “child” to be drawn as. Ugh. Just so many UGHS. I don’t want to buy a book to fucking talk about how my child died, and why she’s not here– Yet, I want it so badly. I want to have it, just another thing to put into a chest that will sit at the end of my bed and hold all of her things. Things like her quilt that my Mamaw made specifically for Kenley after I showed her a few pictures. She took so much time picking out the fabric, and creating this special thing for her great grand daughter; her great grand daughter who will never ever get to use that quilt. Or, the crocheted blanket that my Mom made for her, with a rainbow border…because she was supposed to be my rainbow baby.

Those things will sit in the chest along with her memory box with her foot prints on the top, her lock of beautiful auburn hair, her bracelets from the hospital, the outfits that we took photos of her in at the hospital, and her baby book. The baby book I filled in while sitting in her Nursery, feeling her move inside of me.

I miss my beautiful baby girl so much.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Kenley. I am so sorry.

balloons.

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Tuesday was my Father in law’s 60th Birthday; My Mother in law’s was Wednesday. We went over to visit, and have pizza. Landon and Madison (my 6 year old niece) were playing with balloons; they started asking questions about sending the balloons into outer space. I told them both that on Kenley’s 1st birthday I want to buy a bunch of balloons and send them up to K. Immediately, they both screamed that they wanted to do it RIGHT NOW.

We walked outside, those two with their foil helium filled birthday balloons, and me with my phone to take pictures. When we got outside, they both were laughing and excited to send the balloons up to Kenley. They let them go, and watched them until they couldn’t see them anymore. They had such a good time letting them go.

Fast Forward to today, just right now…

I’m doing dishes, and look up out the window…At the very back of my property I see something shining and blue stuck in a pine tree– It’s a blue foil balloon. 

It’s even a star, just like the ones they let off


I’m pretty sure that someone sent her brother back a balloon. I showed Landon, and he is so excited. If these things are the things that I can do to make him happy, and remember his little sister in a happy way, then I will find these moments as often as I can.

We miss you, baby girl. We all miss you so incredibly much.

5a9ffba7a6831f980a4ec0245f60ba1a

kohls. 

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Let me start by saying damn I got a good deal at Kohls today. 

That being said…

(Standing in the checkout line with Shane and Landon minding our own business and talking amongst ourselves) 



Shane: ” are you excited for Kindergarten Lan?” 

Me: “man buddy I don’t know what I’m going to do while you’re at school! I’ll be bored!”

Lady behind us who is obviously not minding her own god damn business (and also has perfectly spaced children): “oh, that’s exactly what I said to this one, *points to middle child who’s Landons age* but then we found out we were expecting and well *laughs and points to baby approximately 6-8 months old in stroller* now I won’t be bored at all!”

Me: *death glare* 

Shane then proceeded to make nice with the lady. Thank god for him because if it were just Landon and I, the lady would probably have gotten an ear full. 

I’m sure she was just being nice but, thanks no thanks to your story. Just mind your business because I do not want to hear your story…

blah.

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I feel very blah today. I don’t really know how to describe it other than that. I’m tired, I’ve been randomly nauseous all day, and I have a wicked headache.

I know these things are normal, but I can’t help but think about my previous pregnancy. I took a medicine for nausea with K that I didn’t take with Landon–could that have contributed to her death?  I definitely don’t want to take that medicine this time around, but if my nausea gets as bad as it was, how will I function?

I think of how tired I was with Kenley. I remember how amazing Shane was about letting me nap whenever I needed to. Now, I can’t help but think, “Well, you’re going to have all the time in the fucking world to nap while Landon is in Kindergarten, and you are all alone without your daughter”. I know it’s irrational to think like that, I do, but I can’t help but have those thoughts.

The same irrational thoughts go along with this current pregnancy, and getting congratulations about it. I don’t want congrats. In my mind I’m getting these congrats on being pregnant because a series of really fucking shitty events happened in my life that led me here. My daughter who I tried so hard for, died, without warning and stole the light from my soul. I went through (and am currently/will always be going through) the worst time of my life. I went through IVF, and paid completely out of pocket (how much is IVF, you ask? We’re looking at a cool $23,000 after this cycle is said and done). And countless invasive procedures to get where I am. Yes, I am pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy, and I will love this child (if I get to keep her) with all of my heart.

It’s just hard. I think that people heard we’re pregnant again and immediately think “ok they’re done grieving”. Nope. Not anywhere near what the truth is. I am not ok with being around your baby. I do not want to see your baby bump or talk about your pregnancy. I am not okay with being around large groups of people yet. The pain of these things, is not gone just because I am pregnant. I don’t know how to explain this to people yet, or how I can make them understand this. I know that some people will never understand it; they will always think that I should “be ok” by now.

I know that people are going to expect one thing from me during this pregnancy and I’ll probably be over here doing the complete opposite, but I hope that they try to understand. If I don’t want to come to the christmas get together this year, I hope you understand. If I don’t want to buy a million gifts, and celebrate this year, I truly hope that you get it. If, on thanksgiving, I would rather be with my family at my house, alone, I hope you understand why I need that. This year of first’s is going to be the hardest, and I need people to just fucking understand it.

I think we need to take a vacation for Christmas this year. Santa can find Landon anywhere, so why not, right?

 

screening.

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Landon’s screening went well today.  I was pretty nervous because the first words out of his mouth this morning at 6:44 were “I don’t want to go to my school thing today”.  When we left the house to go, he was super excited. We got there and the secretary gave us a name tag with his name on it, and a round colored sticker on the name tag. She told Landon that he needed to collect five stickers and then he would be done with his screening.

She gave me a folder, and some more information and sent us to the Hearing center. When we walked in, Landon said immediately that he wanted to take the headphones home with him — What a dork. She also did the color blindness test. He passed that with flying colors, and the lady gave Landon another sticker, and sent us to the next center. We walked into the vision center and Landon sat down in a chair. The man there showed him some shapes, and placed glasses on Landon that would block his vision in one eye or the other depending on which one he was testing.

Landon did really well with his left eye, but failed his right eye. I am pretty sure that he has no issues with his vision as he’s never once showed any signs to us. They told me that I need to get his eyes tested, so I will be setting up with an ophthalmologist for him (and Shane) soon. He received his sticker, and we were sent on our way. We went to the bus scheduling center, and were given the paper that showed us when he would be picked up and dropped of. He gave us a sticker and sent us to the next center. Then we went and spoke with the Lunch Lady. Landon had to enter his student ID into a machine to practice for his Lunch (doubt he will be buying because he only wants to pack as of right now haha). She gave us our last sticker and then we paid the secretary for his school fees, and we were out the door!

I thought they might ask him some academic information, but they didn’t.

When Shane got home, we went to his parent’s house to celebrate his dads 60th birthday. His mom will turn 58 tomorrow, too! Then, his grandmas birthday is the 11th. Too many birthdays- I can’t keep them straight! After 12 years, you would think I could figure it out…

Therapy tomorrow morning; Landon’s going to my Mother in Laws while we go. I was going to cancel, but I know that’s not a good idea. I’ve really been having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy. I know it’s early, and tomorrow is only 6 weeks, but man…this is rough. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’ve started to feel a little nauseous, so I’m trying to tell myself that “this is good”, but I’m not stupid, and I know that’s not “true”. I hate that I know so fucking much- I wish I was able to be naive and enjoy pregnancy again…

All I want to do is cuddle Landon, but he won’t let me because he’s too cool for that now.

I’m going to cry so hard when he gets on the bus next Wednesday…gonna be a sobbing mess. Ugh. Where has the time gone? I wish I could have him as a little baby one more time. I miss it, and I want to go back and enjoy him more.

Life. sigh.