Baby loss

need help!

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I’m going to put this out there, and maybe someone will stumble across it and have advice.

I’m planning on making (at minimum currently) 20 care packages of the hospital where we had Kenley. I am planning to include a bunch of things, but the one thing I’m struggling with is a candle. I would like to include a glass votive candle, or something bigger (depending on price) with a healing quote, or something about the candle being a memorial candle etc. I cannot find any that I like on the internet anywhere. I’m thinking of aromatherapy type scents. Nothing too over powering, and definitely nothing that would smell like anything child related.

Sooooo….I’m wondering if anyone makes candles, or knows of someone who makes them? Heck, or just someone who would like to be part of the donation and is willing to learn to make them? I would love to have something made by another loss mother, or someone who has been affected by the loss of a child in some way shape or form. Like I stated, I would be looking for 20 currently. If I cannot find a candle maker, I will probably buy them from somewhere, but would be interested in someone who could make a graphic sticker for the front of the candles, also.

Please let me know if you have any ideas, or know anyone who could help!

The goal is to have the 20 care packages done by Kenley’s first birthday…December 29th.

I’m open to suggestions as well for ideas to include with the care packages. What did you need after you lost your child? What did someone give you that really stuck with you? Is there something you didn’t think about needing but ended up REALLY needing?

• I needed tissues. The hospital tissues sucked ASS and my nose was bloody and raw from crying into them. My step-dad purchased a really nice box of soft tissues for us, and brought them the second day in the hospital. This is where the idea came from to buy puffs soft pack tissues (I bought about 40 full size packs) and I will be donating them to the maternity ward for baby loss mommas only.

• I needed chapstick. I didn’t bring any in my bag, when usually I do. I plan to include a nice chapstick in the carepack as many moms don’t plan to have this awful thing happen to them, and chapstick is the last thing on their mind…until their lips are so dry from constant crying and face wiping.

• I’m adding in a personal bottle of aromatherapy hand lotion. I know that the hospital gives you these things, but having a good quality lotion might make you feel more relaxed? I know that sounds like a joke, and honestly even saying it sounds awful because nothing can make you feel more relaxed after you just find out your baby died.

• I’m planning to include this book that I was given at the funeral home. It’s a very light read, and that is what I needed in the days after Kenley- not the gigantic book that I was given. This is such a good small book to start with.

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I’m also planning to include this book which has been the greatest book I have read since Kenley died. It is written by a loss mother, as well, and it just tells you what you need to hear. The version I will be donating will have Kenley’s name in the back on the memorial page.

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• A pack of forget me not seeds that are specifically packaged in memory of a lost loved one.

I had also tossed around the idea of including a molding kit for hand prints. I didn’t get any hand prints from Kenley and I would have loved to have them. These are things that you just don’t think of during the absolute worst moments of your life.

I had also thought of including some sort of lara bar, or something like that, but when I thought about it, it made me want to puke a little. I remember them wheeling in this huge cart of coffee, tea, drinks and snacks after she died. It sat in front of my bed about 10 feet away from me, staring at me the entire time we were there. The nurses would come in and ask if we needed our coffee refreshed and all I could think was “my daughter just died”.

Eating was not the best memory from the hospital.

Anyway, those are my ideas. I know there are a lot of you reading who have lost your children too, so please don’t keep quiet. I’m looking for input on ANYTHING you can offer me.

 

back pain

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When I was pregnant with Landon I had extremely painful issues with my pubic bone, the same with Kenley but a little worse.  It’s a condition called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. ) and it’s AWFUL.

This pregnancy I have had some random nausea, a little fatigue but for the most part have felt pretty good… Until Sunday. I woke up and could barely stand up straight. I knew the pain was identical to the pain I felt when I had my herniated disc (thank god it wasn’t SPD). I tried to do the stretches  that they taught me at physical therapy in 2013. I wasn’t pregnant when I went at that time, so I was concerned that the stretches wouldn’t be good for the pregnancy. I emailed my MFM and told her what was going on. She suggested going back to the physical therapist, and I agreed. Today, I had my first appointment. I almost didn’t go because from  Sunday to this morning it has slowly been feeling better.

I have been doing the stretches, and doing yoga for pregnancy so I can feel the improvements, but figured I should go anyway just to see what they have to say. I got there  feeling pretty good, and left barely able to walk without wanting to cry. I don’t know what happened between the time I got there and the time I left but damn it. The physical therapist told me that yes, my herniated disc is acting up, but I also have an issue with my sacrum. It’s tilted to one side when I walk, and my ligaments are loose causing me to have an “Unbalanced Sacrum”. Ouch. There is nothing I can do to fix this, but I can do stretches to strengthen my lower abdominal muscles ( thanks c-sections…). So here I am, unable to bend over (per the advice of the PT), not allowed to lift over 5 lbs, not allowed to vacuum, need to sit with ice on my back, then need to apply heat.

Needless to say, Landon is staying with my mother in law tonight because I’m pretty much not going to move. Sigh. I thought I was going to breeze through this pregnancy…should have known better.

••••••••••

We got the appraisal back on our house. It came in where we need it to, so we are in the process of refinancing! I’m so excited to save money on our mortgage. We need something to just work out for us without bending over backward to make it happen. I feel pretty pumped that we don’t have to pay a mortgage in December.

••••••••••

Tomorrow will be 10 months since Kenley died. Ten Months. How? How is that even possible? I cannot believe it. Life has started to feel…different? Like my grief is heavy, and still very much present in my every day life, but I feel that I’ve gotten used to her being gone? I don’t know if there is any other way to describe it. Ugh. I just never wanted to be without her, and now I’m slowly learning to live without her…how fucked up.

••••••••••

I’ve been thinking about the packages I’d like to donate to the Hospital (eventually) and what I want to put in them. I have 2 books that I want to include for sure. When we were at the hospital with Kenley, the nurses gave me a book that at the time seemed to be as big as a freaking encyclopedia. I still have not read the book to this day and I don’t know that I ever will. There are a few other things that I know I want to include, and I just need to look for some good deals for those items. Shane and I both also decided that all the sleepers that were given to us for Kenley, we are going to donate to the hospital as well. The clothes that were hand me downs for Kenley, we are going to donate to a domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter.

••••••••••

Kenely’s first birthday is coming up…I just can’t believe it. It’s going to be here before we know it because the holidays are right around the corner now. I will write a full blog about this, but, I plan to ask all of you reading, all my IG friends, family, and anyone else to help me create something for her first birthday.

The plan so far is to ask you to take a photo of Kenley’s name written (in any way, on paper, in chalk, in paint, with stones etc whatever) and take a picture to send me. I would love to have them all by her birthday and be able to create a collage for my wall. But, like I said, it’s in the beginning stages so stay tuned for a full post about it.

yeah…still hatin’ on Xmas. 

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Today is Tuesday. I’ve lost count of how many weeks you’ve been gone. The only thing I know is you’ve been gone longer than I kept you alive, and that stings. It stings bad. I don’t know why or how I failed you, or why my body decided to fail you. I don’t know why you can’t be here with me…almost 10 months old. I will never know why these things happened. I will never know why I don’t get the chance to know you as my daughter. 

Tuesday’s are our family night. We go to dinner, and hit toys r us, sometimes we get ice cream too. Tonight we went to Granville. I love Granville for its charm, and I used to be obsessed with it during Christmas time. This year? This year I’m pretty sure we won’t go there during the Holidays. I’m planning to boycott Granville trips this winter. 

After dinner at a tiny (like 13 tables tiny) Mexican restaurant, we got Whits Frozen Custard and then went to Toys r Us. 

Terrible idea. 

BAM! Christmas ornaments right when you walk in.

 UM. HELLO. IT’S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN, OR THANKSGIVING…LET ALONE CHRISTMAS. So, please kindly fuck off with all that crap. At the end of each aisle? Bins of Christmas wrapping paper. Like…I get it. Christmas WILL happen this year, I can’t just stop it from happening (no matter how hard I try, I’m sure). I just really don’t want it to happen. 

Thinking about the Holidays makes me want to cry, scream, hibernate, or break things (like glass, or really expensive dishes- something that will make a huge mess and be loud). Thinking that I have to act happy for the Holidays this year…I just can’t. I can’t do that. I SHOULD be planning a 1st birthday, but instead I’ll be crying into my Turkey at Thanksgiving and wanting to curl up into a ball and die on Christmas. 

REALLY EXCITING STUFF HERE GUYS. 

Halloween->Thanksgiving->Christmas->The worst day of my life->(NYE) coming home to an empty nursery with empty arms. 

The Holidays can suck it this year. 

family, weddings, and refi- Oh my!

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I’m here! I swear!

I’ve been so busy this past week that I really haven’t had time to post much of anything.

On Wednesday of last week all 3 (well 4) of us made the trip up to my hometown for my little sisters wedding. We spent the next 2 days setting up, typing up loose ends, and making sure everything was perfect for her big day. Friday, we had the rehearsal, then we all hung out and ate BBQ (which was freakin delish).

Saturday morning we woke up and met everyone at the hair salon. I was one of the first ones to get my hair done that way my mom and I could go do the things that we needed to do for the wedding. When we were done with those things, we gathered up my sisters dress, our dresses, and headed to her house to wait for the other girls to get there. Once everyone was there we started getting ready. I’m pretty sure my sister has about $500 in foundation in her makeup arsenal. We had pizza, and everyone was drinking (except me and another girl) and having a good time. The videographer arrived, followed by the photographer. Soon it was time to get into our dresses, and get Cassie into hers.

Once everyone was ready, we walked outside and got some photos done in their back yard.

Then…off we went to the ceremony! Everything kind of happened really fast. Landon was the ring bearer, and did a really freakin great job. I couldn’t even believe how good he did. I kind of figured he would be nervous or something, but nope. My little boy is a social butterfly (more to come on this later lol). They were finally married and people were hanging out taking pictures and drinking beer. Around 4:30 the party bus came to pick up the bridal  party for photos and ridiculous amounts of booze for those able to drink.

We drove around and got some really fun pictures in special places. Then, we arrived back at the reception venue. We were greeted by the DJ and he explained where we were to walk, what we were to do etc. We walked in, and all met on the dance floor waiting for the newly married couple. After a few photos, and them cutting the cake (side note- they cut the cake, and ate their own pieces instead of feeding each other. I lol’ed so hard) we were seated. Then, it was time for my speech. I wrote it with the help of Shane in hopes that I could make it light hearted and I wouldn’t cry. I was pretty sure I could handle it without breaking down- wrong. Pretty much everything makes me cry these days, but just being there with her, and seeing how beautiful and happy she looked filled my heart with so much joy.

It made me miss the days where we were so little, and I hated being near her. It made me wish that I could go back and relive those times with her. Now, she’s 125 miles away at all times and I can’t see her whenever I want. It really makes me sad pretty much 24/7 because besides Shane, she is my best friend.

So anyway, I cried. Barely able to get it together to finish my story, but I managed. Then we were released to eat and I ate some of the best freakin mashed potatoes I’ve ever eaten in my lifeeeeee. I want them right now, actually. The rest of the night is kind of a blur. Lots of people dancing, lots of talking to family that I haven’t seen since Kenley died. Tons of people came up to me and told me that they read this blog and that really touched my heart so thank you guys for saying the things that you did to me. I love that Kenley is so loved by all of you.

Landon was a dancing machine. I’m going to try and upload a video so you can see it because oh my god. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more love for this kid than at the moment he was called to the dance floor by himself to dance to AC/DC TNT….and he tore that shit up. He has some real moves, I was impressed!!

 


All in all the weekend was a great success. I had such a good time, Shane had a nice time relaxing and being away from home, too. Landon found a new love in Amanda, and I’m pretty sure Cassie had an awesome time. Now for some pictures!

 

We are getting our house appraised in hopes that we can eliminate our PMI payment, combine our IVF loan (home equity loan) and our mortgage into one payment, and save close to $700 a month. We have our appraisal set for Thursday @ 2:30, and were trying to get the few things done (paint touch ups, patching a hole in the wall that shane made while chasing Landon around the house one day) before the appraiser comes. I’m kind of stressing out a little about it strictly because she is going to go into Kenley’s nursery. She is going to see that we are without a baby, and that the Nursery looks untouched. She is going to see the sign on our wall that says our baby was too beautiful for earth and her birthdate. She’s going to wonder, and probably ask.

I am not afraid to tell her about Kenley. I am not afraid to talk about her. I will talk about her, very openly. I just hope that she doesn’t panic and leave our house feeling weirded out because yeah…dead babies are not a fun topic. Whatever. I guess we will see how it goes. Send the good vibes my way…hopefully our house appraises for what we need so we can catch a fucking break.

 

While we were home we had lunch at a little Chinese place that we used to frequent when we lived there. While we were eating, my IG dinged letting me know that I had a DM. I was contacted by a woman named Lauren from Breastfeeding World asking if I would be willing to write a piece in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss month about Kenley. I was so touched that she reached out to me, and I cannot wait for my piece to be featured on this Friday!  I will link to it on Friday when it’s posted in case anyone wants to read it. I shared some photos that I haven’t shared before, and it was really emotional for me to write. I hope someday that I can write a piece for them about the joys I will (hopefully) feel when I am able to breastfeed my Rainbow baby.

 

I have an MFM appointment on Thursday at 10:30. This will just be a check up to make sure everything is looking good. I have been feeling little miss kicking off and on more lately. I guess my MFM typically finds the heartbeat via ultrasound instead of doppler, which I am ok with, but I just hope that maybe I can talk her into letting me see her for a few seconds. I haven’t in like 5 weeks and it’s killing me.

 

And finally, Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. My Sister had a special place for Kenley at a memorial table with a K, fox, and candle. It was very sweet, and moved me to tears. I also was sent many many texts, DMs, etc to let me know that a candle was being lit for Kenley and that she was being thought of. I wanted to show you all the candles that were lit for her, so here they are.

So there is a run down of what’s been up in my neck of the woods. I’m hoping that things are going to calm down after this week so I can get back to regular posting. I feel so much comfort when I speak about Kenley and how she impacts my life. I love that little girl so incredibly much…I missed her so bad this weekend.

I miss her every second of every day.

I will miss her for the rest of my life.

 

 

fall. 

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I know that every holiday is going to suck, probably forever. Sure, the suckage might lessen as the years drone on and on, but they will always be missing our family member. My sweet girl will always be a “what if” for me. What would I have dressed her in this year for Halloween? 

You know, I can’t even answer that because my heart won’t let me think about it. It hurts way too fucking much. It stings. It’s like someone stabbing me over and over in this open wound that I call my heart now. 

No matter what it’s always going to be painful. 

Tonight, we went to get pumpkins. Landon chose two pumpkins for both of his sisters. He has a heart old gold, that boy. He also chose a super small decorative pumpkin and said that it was  “just incase I have a brother some day”.  He had such a good time and loved looking at all the fall things this place had to offer. 

I, however, could not help but be sad I wasn’t pushing her in a stroller, or giving her a small sip of apple cider to see her little face pucker up. 

These things, these normal everyday things, that “regular” people take for granted are so painful. I know I took them for granted with Landon, for sure. Hell yes I took them for granted- I never in a million years thought there would EVER be a reason I should feel otherwise. 

But, now that it’s fall, my heart is still broken and my arms are still empty, I can’t help but realize how much I’ve taken for granted with Kenley. 

I would love to be inconvenienced by anything Kenley related, besides her death. I would give up my life to hear her cry just once; to hear her take a breath of the air she will never breathe. 

I just wanted to buy you a pumpkin…and be able to see you hold it. 

But, instead, it will sit on the front porch with all the others- untouched by your beautiful little hands. 

And seeing that? That will break my heart all over again. 

weekend.

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This weekend was my little Sister’s Bachelorette “day” out. We went on a luncheon cruise (where everyone drank amazingly delicious smelling sangria) and listened to a DJ play some serious wedding tunes. It was really relaxing and enjoyable, even if I did feel like I wanted to yack once or twice. Thanks motion sickness! Afterward we went and got pedicures, and walked around an outdoor mall for a while.

All in all it was a pretty awesome day, and I’m really happy I was able to come home for the weekend and spend it with my sister (and the other bridesmaids).

When I got back to my Mom’s, I was beat. I guess being almost 31 (ugh. ugh ugh ugh.) will do that to you! Ha- just kidding. I know 31 isn’t “old” in the grand scheme of things life, but holy shit…I feel old now. After Kenley died, I immediately aged 10 years physically, and probably 50 years emotionally/mentally. I feel like I look old, I feel like I have no desire to do much of anything (hello depression, you nasty bitch) but I try to make myself look presentable (usually fail pretty well at this and end up in mascara and leggings). I have to force myself to enjoy things (also fail). I have tension headaches a lot these days, and I can feel the anxiety heavy in my chest. Sometimes, I will have an extra anxiety ridden day and I can literally feel it in my sternum. I have the need to crack my chest; until I make it happen, I have an excruciating pain where I can’t stand up straight and taking a deep breath is like knives in my chest.

Anyway, back to this weekend.

Landon has been sick for 50 years (read: 1.5 weeks-ish) and I just figured it was seasonal allergies, or a mild cold. He started to get pretty lethargic and stuff last week so I kept an eye on it and told myself if he wasn’t better soon that I would make an appointment. Saturday he complained of a headache all day, and over night he came into my bedroom screaming and hyperventilating saying that his head hurt so bad on the right side. I tried to calm him down, ended up giving him some Motrin and he laid with him until he fell back to sleep. In the morning he came into my room at 6am complaining again. I got up, and fed him breakfast and we watched Spongebob in the dark until about 7:30. He then started crying and freaking out about his head again.

I didn’t know what to do and honestly he was starting to scare me. I told my mom that I needed to take him to the ER so off we went. Long story short no strep, no ear infection, no anything. They gave me a script for Sudafed- a decongestant. I’m not sure how this will help his intense head pain?…but I’m no doctor. I’m going to keep a really close eye on it, and the second he complains again about his head we’re going to get a CT scan. I don’t really talk about it too much, but when Landon was 3 we had something similar happen to him. He ended up needing an Electroencephleogram (An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to detect abnormalities related to electrical activity of the brain. This procedure tracks and records brain wave patterns. Small metal discs with thin wires (electrodes) are placed on the scalp, and then send signals to a computer to record the results.) because he was having super weird twitches and making random noises all the time. I was pretty sure that he had Tourettes or something.

Turns out he was ok, but has “extra electrodes (or neurons? I can’t remember) firing in his brain” and for people with this, 50% of them have a 50% chance of having a seizure at some point in their life time. So…technically not ok? But again…not a doctor here.  Also they mentioned that children with these extra whatever’s firing are often “gifted”. That’s about the only part that makes sense. If you know Landon at all, you will probably more than likely agree the kid is super fuckin smart.

Ask him anything about Dinosaurs, I dare you.

We got back to my Mom’s, packed our stuff up and went to visit my Dad for a little while. As we were leaving my Dad’s, Shane text me and said he just got breaking news on his phone that there was a shooting on I-71 near the Polaris area.  The Highway Patrol had shut down both north and southbound lanes of the highway, so I figured I would be stuck in traffic. Well,  when I got to the I-71 on ramp in Mansfield, it was a shit show. The traffic lights were all out, there were no cops there to direct traffic because they were all at the crash scene of the shooter literally 2 miles up the road. Landon and I got some lunch, and hung out in the car for a little while to watch the traffic nightmare.

I googled and found out that the shooter had shot a man 6 times from a park bench (wtf is wrong with people?) as he was walking back to this car from the restroom at the rest stop. He then hopped in his car, and drove north. The cops found his vehicle on 71 and chased him north of the Mansfield exit where he ran over spike strips and hit the guardrail. He then shot and killed himself in his car.

I was watching the highway as we ate lunch, and I saw the cars that are pictured in the news article I linked to speeding down the highway toward the crash sight. It’s insane to me how close I was to actually witnessing this high speed chase. Thank god I didn’t. Once I got on 71 South, there was no issue and we made it home pretty quickly (1.5 hrs).

So now I’m home and curled up in bed with Shane. What a long weekend!

Here’s hoping that Landon feels better, I feel better and Shane doesn’t catch what we have.

Also, I’m participating in the “capture your grief” photo challenge for the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. If you don’t know what it is,  head on over to my Instagram page (see the side of my blog for the link) and check it out. It’s amazing, and I know that it is such an important thing for myself to do. It helps me to honor my sweet girl, and keep her memory alive.

You can also see a new photo of my beautiful Kenley. I am so in love with her face.

 

 

clothes.

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Let me start this post by saying today is 9 months since Kenley died.

Today, Shane and I went to Kohl’s to find him some dress clothes for my sister’s wedding in October. Of course, Kohl’s is always full of mom’s with double strollers. I mean like…EVERY.WHERE. I am really glad that we had to just be in the men’s section because I only saw them when we were checking out. It doesn’t make me “mad” like it used to, it just makes me feel pretty sad/blah. Kinda like takes my breath away? I dunno. I look at these women with their kids, and their newborn carrier in the stroller and I just feel sad. I feel upset that I don’t get my daughter. I feel a little jab of jealously that they (more than likely) don’t know the absolute horror that is preparing for a baby that will never come home.

They probably had a typical pregnancy, with no issues, and brought their beautiful living breathing crying baby home from he hospital. You know, but I could be totally wrong. Maybe they had a terrible pregnancy and thought they were going to lose their baby. Whatever the case is, bottom line, they have their child and I do not have mine.

I’m having a weird time with people who have their second child right now. I’m also having a hard time seeing women who had their babies near the time Kenley was born, and are getting pregnant again. Ouch. I know it sounds so fucked up, right? I’m pregnant again. I’m going to have a baby (hopefully) in March. There is a good chance that this baby will survive and we will bring her home from the hospital. It just doesn’t matter; all of those things do not matter when you’ve lost your child. It’s like this new reality that I was forced into living is the worst one possible.

I’m sure there are many people in my life who are thinking I should “be over it” by now, or that I should be feeling better/different about things. I am feeling “better” (probably just natural to feel <strike>better</strike> differently after a certain point?) but that’s not to say that I don’t wake up every morning and feel the emptiness in my heart. It’s a part of me now. I can’t just “get better”. I will never “be better”. I know it’s hard for some people to understand, but that’s just not going to happen.

I will probably always have a sharp pain in my heart when I see a baby/child/teenager who is Kenley’s age. I will always feel her absense in my life, during holiday’s, during family outings, with every single breath that I take for the rest of my life. I’m not looking forward to my birthday next week. Last year for my 30th, it was the greatest birthday I’ve ever had. I was about 6 months pregnant with Kenley, Shane and Landon bought me the most beautiful past present future ring I’ve ever seen, and we had an amazing day together… not this year.

Someday’s I am just really sick of having to hold it all together, of having to “fake it”.

Sometimes it just feels like I’ve had enough.

Somedays it feels like most people have forgotten her. I feel like I’m the only one who thinks of her and that really breaks my heart.

Once again, I’m trying. I am trying for you, Kenley. I’m trying to get through this life without you.

 

38+4

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Today is another rough day.

Today, the amount of time that has passed since you died, is the amount of time you were alive.

Tomorrow you will be gone longer than you were with us.

I don’t think there are words to describe the way that I’m feeling.

The only thing that I feel like doing or saying is screaming from the top of my lungs that I love you.  That I am your Mother. That you are my Daughter. That you were taken away from our family. That I will always ache for your presence in my life. And that I will never be whole again.

 

rough day.

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Our Molly Bear came today. I had to call the post office and ask them to hold it there for me so I could pick it up early because Shane had to be at work before our mail usually gets here.

We went to the post office about 9 am and there it sat. A huge white box, just staring back at me; I almost cried just looking at it. When we got home, Shane cut the tape on the box and we opened it. Immediately I cried. When I opened the box, my beautiful Kenley bear was looking back at me. She is perfect. I don’t think I could have made a better bear for us had I done it myself.

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When I held the bear, I cried. I knew that I would probably lose it, and I was right. She was heavy- 7lbs 5oz- but, that’s what Kenley weighed at birth. It just feels weird to feel her weight in my arms again. Shane held her for a little while, and we talked about it. We said how perfect she was over and over. We said that Landon is going to love her, and want to play with her.

Then, Shane asked if I wanted to go in her room.

We took the bear, and we went in.

I haven’t been in her room since…April 29th. It was so hard. I mean, hard in the way that your chest gets tight, and you can’t breathe. You cry the same kind of tears you cried at the hospital when your baby was born silent; when your whole world came crashing down around you within seconds and you didn’t know how you would ever survive.

We sat there for a while, and just talked about her room. About how beautiful it is, about her clothing, and the “why her” conversation happened again. I cried more. Going in was extremely hard, but I feel so calm in her room. We decided to look through her drawers, and closet. We looked at all of her clothing. We looked in her memory box from the hospital. We opened the envelope that has a lock of her hair. Her beautiful dark brown auburn colored hair. She had so much hair, my sweet girl.

Then, I asked Shane to open her diaper bag. This bag hasn’t been opened in nearly 9 months. I haven’t looked in there with a semi-clear mind, so I wanted to look. We pulled everything out, smelled it, looked through her baby book and sorted out what we wanted to keep specifically for Kenley, and what we could reuse for this baby. There were two outfits that Kenley didn’t wear in the hospital so we kept those out, but the rest is in the diaper bag still. image3

Today was a really hard day. I feel like I ran a marathon on the beach in cement boots.

I just really miss my baby girl.

We put her 2 quilts, and 1 crocheted blanket into the hope chest, along with the diaper bag and all the items we kept in there. It’s a step. It’s a huge step. I know that this room is going to be our new little girl’s room, and I need to work through a lot of stuff before I’m comfortable with that. It breaks my heart to think about taking her nursery apart, but it also breaks my heart to think about leaving it the same. It’s just not fair. No mother should ever have to think about these things.

Someday’s I feel absolutely insane. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next 25ish weeks.

NT.

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Tomorrow we have our NT scan and first official MFM/OB appt. I’m nervous, but not much.

I’m a little scared because I stopped my PIO, and my estrogen, and haven’t been back for a scan since…It freaks me out to think that something could have gone wrong after I stopped those medications. I’m trying to have control over my mind and control over the fear, but well…lets me honest now.

The appointment is at 12:20, then my OB appointment is in the same place just at 1:45. I have my Mother in Law coming to get Landon off the bus if needed.

If all looks well in my scan tomorrow, and we get a good picture of our girl, I’m going to post it here. I wanted to let all of the loss moms know, just incase you were having a bad day, or will be having a bad day tomorrow. I feel as if I owe it to this baby to be excited for her (obviously I am, but it’s complicated…) so I’m going to try and do one thing every few days that makes me a little uncomfortable. Posting her ultrasound photo will be that thing. I posted photos of EVERYTHING when I was pregnant with Kenley, and this baby deserves to be loved just the same.

(I have to repeat this in my head daily. Losing Kenley has greatly altered my emotional state)

I hate this. I hate every second of the way I have to live my life now.

I am trying.

Little Miss, I can’t wait to see you on your ultrasound tomorrow. Please dance up a storm and make it hard for the tech to see you, so we can see you longer (but make sure to let her get all the measurements and pictures she needs!) .