momma grief

fundraiser.

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Today, Kenley has been gone for 34 weeks. I don’t know how time keeps going without her here in my arms…

I don’t usually do things like this, but I feel like I need to.

I started a fundraiser from the Molly Bears website to raise $450- enough to cover the cost of 1 bear for my family, and 9 other bears for women who cannot afford to purchase one of their own.

Incase you don’t know what a Molly Bear is, it’s a stuffed teddy bear that is weighted to the exact weight of the child you lost. Our bear would be 7lbs 5oz, and give me the opportunity to feel Kenley in my arms again, so to speak.

Here is the link, and if you choose to donate please know that it is greatly appreciated- not only from my family, but from the 9 other families who will be able to feel the weight of their lost child in their arms again.

https://rally.org/mollybears/7OpApHXxys5/randihayes

pictures.

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15

Lately, I’ve been wanting to see more/new photos of Kenley. The problem? I can’t see any new photos of my sweet girl because I’ve seen them all. All the photos that will ever exist of my beautiful daughter have been seen by my eyes.

It’s just one more thing that breaks my heart into a million pieces on the daily.

 I’ve never been able to fully write out Kenley’s story and our struggle to get her. I finally found strength to write it tonight. I wrote it here, under the “Kenleys story” tab. I’m sure there is so much missing, but the bottom line is she was wanted and she will never be here. She is so loved. 

sunday.

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2

I know this week is going to be rough for me; I already feel it in my bones.

Tuesday we have Landon’s open house for Kindergarten, at which I’m going to try to hold back tears. Wednesday is his first day; he will be riding the bus to school for the first time. I’m pretty sure when he gets on the bus I’m going to lose it– I cry just thinking about it. I can see it play out in my head the way it’s actually going to happen and the way I wish it was happening– me, holding my sweet girl, waving her little arm at her big brother with Shane standing next to us, as he looks out the window and waves goodbye to us.

Ugh. Heartbreak at it’s finest.

Wednesday is also the day we have our 7 week ultrasound. The ultrasound in which we should hear a heartbeat. Needless to say my last ultrasound with a child inside of me was fucking awful so I’m very scared.

The timing of the shit happening this week is so fucking cruel.

nothing.

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Today has been a rough day. I don’t know why these days seem to come so randomly; when they come, they come on like a hurricane. Yesterday I slept until noon. I haven’t done this since I was probably 16 years old. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and thank god Shane just let me sleep. This morning, the same thing, I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I know it’s normal to feel tired right now; I was SO tired when pregnant with Kenley. I just really think that it’s something else. I think that it’s my desire to be alone and stay in bed so I don’t have to deal with the day for any longer than I have to, honestly.

I know that I am depressed. I know that I take medicine, and it helps. I know that some days are always going to be harder than the others, but fuck. Today just sucked so much life out of me that I want to go to bed right now…at 8:49pm. Today was one of those days that drug on, and on. Shane left for work at 1, so it was just Landon and I all day. Usually, I can handle him and we figure out things to occupy us throughout the day. Today…he was wild. So full of energy and just wound up so tight. I know it’s because we haven’t been able to get out of the house as it’s been hotter than the surface of the sun outside. My dad stopped by after visiting the drag strip near our house today. That broke up the day a little bit, but Landon gets so crazy around him.

After he left, we made dinner and watched some TV together. To my surprise he cuddled with me. After a while he got up and went to his bedroom; he came back with the stuffed bear I was given when I left the hospital. He climbed back up on the couch and handed it to me. That was it. Nothing else was said, and we kept watching tv.

I’m not sure if he knew I was feeling rough, or if he was missing her too.


I saw a link today to a book called “The Story Of”  and I just lost it. It’s a book that can be personalized with your child’s name and loss information to tell the story about why they are no longer here. I went on the website and just browsed through the pictures that are available for your “child” to be drawn as. Ugh. Just so many UGHS. I don’t want to buy a book to fucking talk about how my child died, and why she’s not here– Yet, I want it so badly. I want to have it, just another thing to put into a chest that will sit at the end of my bed and hold all of her things. Things like her quilt that my Mamaw made specifically for Kenley after I showed her a few pictures. She took so much time picking out the fabric, and creating this special thing for her great grand daughter; her great grand daughter who will never ever get to use that quilt. Or, the crocheted blanket that my Mom made for her, with a rainbow border…because she was supposed to be my rainbow baby.

Those things will sit in the chest along with her memory box with her foot prints on the top, her lock of beautiful auburn hair, her bracelets from the hospital, the outfits that we took photos of her in at the hospital, and her baby book. The baby book I filled in while sitting in her Nursery, feeling her move inside of me.

I miss my beautiful baby girl so much.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Kenley. I am so sorry.

balloons.

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5

Tuesday was my Father in law’s 60th Birthday; My Mother in law’s was Wednesday. We went over to visit, and have pizza. Landon and Madison (my 6 year old niece) were playing with balloons; they started asking questions about sending the balloons into outer space. I told them both that on Kenley’s 1st birthday I want to buy a bunch of balloons and send them up to K. Immediately, they both screamed that they wanted to do it RIGHT NOW.

We walked outside, those two with their foil helium filled birthday balloons, and me with my phone to take pictures. When we got outside, they both were laughing and excited to send the balloons up to Kenley. They let them go, and watched them until they couldn’t see them anymore. They had such a good time letting them go.

Fast Forward to today, just right now…

I’m doing dishes, and look up out the window…At the very back of my property I see something shining and blue stuck in a pine tree– It’s a blue foil balloon. 

It’s even a star, just like the ones they let off


I’m pretty sure that someone sent her brother back a balloon. I showed Landon, and he is so excited. If these things are the things that I can do to make him happy, and remember his little sister in a happy way, then I will find these moments as often as I can.

We miss you, baby girl. We all miss you so incredibly much.

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blah.

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10

I feel very blah today. I don’t really know how to describe it other than that. I’m tired, I’ve been randomly nauseous all day, and I have a wicked headache.

I know these things are normal, but I can’t help but think about my previous pregnancy. I took a medicine for nausea with K that I didn’t take with Landon–could that have contributed to her death?  I definitely don’t want to take that medicine this time around, but if my nausea gets as bad as it was, how will I function?

I think of how tired I was with Kenley. I remember how amazing Shane was about letting me nap whenever I needed to. Now, I can’t help but think, “Well, you’re going to have all the time in the fucking world to nap while Landon is in Kindergarten, and you are all alone without your daughter”. I know it’s irrational to think like that, I do, but I can’t help but have those thoughts.

The same irrational thoughts go along with this current pregnancy, and getting congratulations about it. I don’t want congrats. In my mind I’m getting these congrats on being pregnant because a series of really fucking shitty events happened in my life that led me here. My daughter who I tried so hard for, died, without warning and stole the light from my soul. I went through (and am currently/will always be going through) the worst time of my life. I went through IVF, and paid completely out of pocket (how much is IVF, you ask? We’re looking at a cool $23,000 after this cycle is said and done). And countless invasive procedures to get where I am. Yes, I am pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy, and I will love this child (if I get to keep her) with all of my heart.

It’s just hard. I think that people heard we’re pregnant again and immediately think “ok they’re done grieving”. Nope. Not anywhere near what the truth is. I am not ok with being around your baby. I do not want to see your baby bump or talk about your pregnancy. I am not okay with being around large groups of people yet. The pain of these things, is not gone just because I am pregnant. I don’t know how to explain this to people yet, or how I can make them understand this. I know that some people will never understand it; they will always think that I should “be ok” by now.

I know that people are going to expect one thing from me during this pregnancy and I’ll probably be over here doing the complete opposite, but I hope that they try to understand. If I don’t want to come to the christmas get together this year, I hope you understand. If I don’t want to buy a million gifts, and celebrate this year, I truly hope that you get it. If, on thanksgiving, I would rather be with my family at my house, alone, I hope you understand why I need that. This year of first’s is going to be the hardest, and I need people to just fucking understand it.

I think we need to take a vacation for Christmas this year. Santa can find Landon anywhere, so why not, right?

 

screening.

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Landon’s screening went well today.  I was pretty nervous because the first words out of his mouth this morning at 6:44 were “I don’t want to go to my school thing today”.  When we left the house to go, he was super excited. We got there and the secretary gave us a name tag with his name on it, and a round colored sticker on the name tag. She told Landon that he needed to collect five stickers and then he would be done with his screening.

She gave me a folder, and some more information and sent us to the Hearing center. When we walked in, Landon said immediately that he wanted to take the headphones home with him — What a dork. She also did the color blindness test. He passed that with flying colors, and the lady gave Landon another sticker, and sent us to the next center. We walked into the vision center and Landon sat down in a chair. The man there showed him some shapes, and placed glasses on Landon that would block his vision in one eye or the other depending on which one he was testing.

Landon did really well with his left eye, but failed his right eye. I am pretty sure that he has no issues with his vision as he’s never once showed any signs to us. They told me that I need to get his eyes tested, so I will be setting up with an ophthalmologist for him (and Shane) soon. He received his sticker, and we were sent on our way. We went to the bus scheduling center, and were given the paper that showed us when he would be picked up and dropped of. He gave us a sticker and sent us to the next center. Then we went and spoke with the Lunch Lady. Landon had to enter his student ID into a machine to practice for his Lunch (doubt he will be buying because he only wants to pack as of right now haha). She gave us our last sticker and then we paid the secretary for his school fees, and we were out the door!

I thought they might ask him some academic information, but they didn’t.

When Shane got home, we went to his parent’s house to celebrate his dads 60th birthday. His mom will turn 58 tomorrow, too! Then, his grandmas birthday is the 11th. Too many birthdays- I can’t keep them straight! After 12 years, you would think I could figure it out…

Therapy tomorrow morning; Landon’s going to my Mother in Laws while we go. I was going to cancel, but I know that’s not a good idea. I’ve really been having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy. I know it’s early, and tomorrow is only 6 weeks, but man…this is rough. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’ve started to feel a little nauseous, so I’m trying to tell myself that “this is good”, but I’m not stupid, and I know that’s not “true”. I hate that I know so fucking much- I wish I was able to be naive and enjoy pregnancy again…

All I want to do is cuddle Landon, but he won’t let me because he’s too cool for that now.

I’m going to cry so hard when he gets on the bus next Wednesday…gonna be a sobbing mess. Ugh. Where has the time gone? I wish I could have him as a little baby one more time. I miss it, and I want to go back and enjoy him more.

Life. sigh.

 

tomorrow.

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2

Landon will be starting Kindergarten August 18th, but first he has to attend the standard Kindergarten screening tomorrow afternoon. We have to be at his school at 11 am, and check in at the office. I’m not exactly sure what will happen, but I’m more nervous than he is I’m sure. We still need to get him a few things for school; a beach towel for quiet time, and a snack for his entire class (need to find out how many kinds are in his class first…).

I hope that tomorrow we find out the class list, and maybe his bus schedule. We live about 5-7 minutes from his school, so if he will be on the bus for 40 minutes I’m just going to take him. On the other hand, I’m scared to start taking him because I know that once I do, he will never want to ride the bus (can you blame him?). It’s not like I have anything to do in the mornings, so I guess it’s not a really big deal.

I just can’t help but think that I should be stressing out about getting Kenley ready in the mornings in time to get Landon to school on time. It’s so frustrating to think about. It makes me angry and sad. I hate what happened to her, and I hate the way our family has become. I don’t like that I will never be the same. I was doing so well. I was happy. I was focused on my life, my family, our future, and in one second it was all ripped away from me- from us.

Our next ultrasound is 8/16 with the RE. He said we should be able to hear a heartbeat (with K I heard it at 6+2, I will be almost 7 weeks at this appt). It is starting to scare me to think about not hearing a heartbeat. No matter if I’m struggling with feeling attached to this current pregnancy right now, I still want it to go right. I want this pregnancy, I want this child born into my arms, and to be in my life until the day I die. I might not be able to fully digest the feelings right yet, but I know that I’m doing everything I can to make sure this pregnancy is healthy, and that I am healthy.

The past few weeks have been a crazy emotional time; I’m so thankful that I have my husband by my side. He truly understands me and allows me to feel whatever I need. He allows me to be on my grief timeline, and that’s what I need.

Tomorrow is also Tuesday- ugh. I was driving in the car the other day by myself and I thought “I’m doing better”. I’m able to control my random crying. I’m able to function on Tuesdays. I feel very empty still, but I think that is simply a depression symptom that I am aware of and work every single day to control.

I like to think I’m doing better. Maybe I’m lying to myself, but maybe I have to until I’m really doing better.

Whatever, I am doing what I have to do to survive.

normal.

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This weekend I’m in my hometown visiting my family, and helping my sister with some bridal shower things. It’s been enjoyable, and Landon has had a great time as usual. Being here makes me realize that I don’t view this as my home anymore; my home is 2.5 hours away, in a small town where my Husband is. I’ve wanted to move back to my hometown for nearly 6 years, and we just haven’t had a chance to make it work. It will never happen, and honestly I feel ok with it now. I like my hometown, but I’m ok with not living here. I wish my family were closer, sure, but that is impossible.

I went with my sister and 2 other bridesmaids today to get their make up trial run done. The plan was to have airbrush makeup done for the wedding, and I think everyone had super high hopes for today. Well… I’m pretty sure they all hated it. My sister and one of the bridesmaids washed their faces immediately when they got home, and I’m not sure about the other one. It amazes me that someone would pay for this service, when it  just looked, I don’t know, boring. I hope that my sister can decide on someone else who would do a good job, or that she is confident in herself doing her own make up. No matter what she will look beautiful.

Being around people who I’m not normally around really makes me realize how life is just trucking along, and I’m still “stuck”. I find it difficult to enjoy anything these days, and no matter how much I push myself to try and engage, I’d rather just not. I feel very lonely, even surrounded by a bunch of people. I know that’s my grief talking and shining through, but I’ve yet to figure out a way to combat it. My therapist says that I shouldn’t do anything that makes me uncomfortable; I wonder what she would say if I told her that all things make me feel uncomfortable these days?

We talked about “exposure” therapy on Wednesday. Shane brought up the idea, and asked our therapist what she thought. She said that it’s not a good approach for grief. In front of Kenley’s door stands a 5 foot tall t-rex; I have to have it positioned a certain way so that I don’t see her door handle. If I see the door handle, I know there’s a room behind there and I know that it’s her nursery. If the stand is blocking her door handle, I can almost walk past and think nothing of it. I don’t know. I know it’s weird, and it probably sounds weird to most people – but it’s what I need right now. 

Anyway, our therapist said that I don’t need to rush myself into going in. She told me to go in when I feel ready. She said “Honestly, a baby doesn’t even need it’s own room until what, 6months? You are in no rush”. This made me feel better; I don’t want to feel like I’m being pressured to be on someone else’s grief timeline.  I went in her room the night we got home from the hospital, and I went in at 4 months; I haven’t gone in again. Some days I feel a desire to go in, but I don’t. I don’t know why I don’t go in, probably because I just don’t feel like being sad. I’m “sadded” out these days; I can’t handle any more sadness, please and thank you.

It’s so incredibly hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it’s AUGUST. My entire year has flown by in the blink of an eye. I have been in a fog all year, understandably, and it’s just so odd to me how time keeps moving right along. Today just solidified how everyone else is moving on, moving forward with life, and I’m just stuck here.

Stuck in the past, present, and future. I will always have one foot somewhere else, for eternity. I don’t think I will ever be present “in the now”.

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joy.

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4

I’ve been struggling to feel any sort of “joy” lately; not just surrounding this new pregnancy, but in daily life. I just feel so, I don’t know, empty? It’s like I’m here, physically, but I just don’t feel very “into” anything.

I know this feeling is depression, I’m well aware. I am on medication for this, and I can tell that it’s helping, because honestly if it wasn’t I don’t know that I would be anywhere near where I am today.

We went to therapy today (haven’t been since we found out we were pregnant). Our beta was last Wednesday- Therapy Day – so we had to cancel. When we got there today, our therapist was waiting on the edge of her seat to hear our news.

When I told her that we were indeed pregnant, she screamed out of sheer excitement for us, and she cried. SHE CRIED. Our therapist was so happy for us, IS so happy for us, that she legitimately cried tears of Joy for us.

I want to feel joy again. I hope as time goes on that I am able to.