future appointments.

Posted by Randi

I had an MFM appointment today at 11. Just a basic check up, nothing really special. I however knew I had to talk to my doctor about my increased anxiety, and fear that something is going to go wrong.

Everything looked fine, my blood pressure was beautiful and I only gained 1 lb. When my doctor came in we talked about how things were going, and how my anxiety was going. I told her that to be honest, it’s getting worse. I did tell her that we have had a long few weeks. All the Holidays, her first birthday, Alden’s baby shower, cleaning up the Nursery, and then next week it will be painted. I recognize those things are triggers obviously, so I told her I wasn’t sure if it was everything happening at once, or if I’m really just feeling anxious about getting this baby here alive.

She told me that we can up my medication, but after checking we determined that I’m on the highest dose safe for baby. She then told me that after my next growth ultrasound, I will be having biweekly NST’s so that sort of calmed my mind down a little.

So my next two months are going to be full of doctors appointments and I am so excited for it.

Feb 2nd- Fetal growth ultrasound, and a regular doctors visit

Feb 6th- NST

Feb 9th- NST

Feb 13th- NST

Feb 16th- NST & Regular Doctors Visit

Feb 20th- NST

Feb 23rd- NST

Feb 27th- NST

March 2nd- Fetal growth ultrasound and a regular doctors visit.

After here we will be deciding where to go appointment wise from there. I mean, she’s scheduled to come on 3/15 so I don’t know how many appointments I will have after the March 2nd appointment.

I can’t believe how fast January is going by. It’s already the 19th…less than 2 months until my csection.

shower.

Posted by Randi

This past weekend was my baby shower for Alden. It was in my home town and was small as far as guests go. I was so anxious leading up to the shower that I literally made myself sick over it. Landon and I drove up on Saturday afternoon, and hung out for a little before the madness of Sunday. I knew that I would have a good time celebrating Alden, and being with friends and family. I think that I was just feeling more guilt over not having a shower for Kenley than I thought I actually was. It just kinda hit me hard; we didn’t have a shower for her, and we never ever would. It is what it is.

The shower was amazing, and I really really enjoyed myself. My sister and mom really made it special, and included Kenley, too. There was a small fox, and letter K behind where I was sitting on the entertainment center. I felt like she was there watching me open all these gifts for her little sister.

We received many many gifts for our sweet girl. I am so thankful that people came to shower her in love along with us. There were a few times where I felt like crying, specifically when I opened gifts that had “little sister” onesies in them. I know she’s a little sister, but it should say “littlest” sister, or something similar. She’s my THIRD child, but she will always look like my second and that is really hard to swallow.

When I got home, I showed everything to Shane. He of course loved it all. It’s so bittersweet. You want to be excited for this baby and her arrival, AND WE ARE, but we miss our first born girl. We wanted to do all these things for her, and we never will. It’s just rough. On Monday Shane had off for the holiday so he helped me get a lot of things done around here that we needed to do. We then went into the Nursery and took down all of Kenley’s decor.

Shane took her name banner down.

This was one of the hardest things to do since hearing Kenley died.

I cried. I cried realllllllly hard. It seemed to rip my heart wide open again. I hate when this happens because I feel like it sets me back 1,000 steps. I know that’s not true, yet I can’t help thinking that. Taking down her name banner was awful. I felt like somehow taking it down was just the end of her. No more of her left in that room. But, that’s not true. Her little sister is going to be lucky enough to wear her clothes, and use her crib, and dresser. She’s getting her older sisters hand me downs and I’m thankful for this (Disclaimer: This opinion changes on the daily, so don’t hold me to these feelings).

Landon helped us do some of the stuff we needed to do, and ultimately he ended up crying. He told us he missed her and wanted her here. We comforted him, and eventually he was ok. It’s just a constant secondary loss. I feel like that is what our life is going to be now; life will be one constant secondary loss.

I’m just really ready for this girl to be here, screaming. I have seen a lot of the moms I follow on IG having their rainbows, and it’s just making me antsy I think.

The painters rescheduled for next Tuesday @ 8:30 am. Shane will be here, so he can go in and set them all up. I don’t think I will be able to go in there and look at the room for a while. I don’t know, maybe I’ll surprise myself but I highly doubt it. Sometimes I feel like I “power through” because it’s all I know how to do. I don’t want to sit and be sad, and cry over this.

I’m so sick of crying all. the. god. damn. time.

I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m happy. I cry because I don’t want to throw away the December part of the calendar because it has Kenely’s first birthday with a heart around it. I cry when Alden moves, because I can’t remember how it felt to feel Kenley move. I cry because Landon misses her, and Shane misses her. It’s just so unfair.

randoms.

Posted by Randi

Today Landon brought home his little report card. He is above his grade level for reading which is awesome, and he’s supposed to be able to count to 50…well he counts to 200 (really he counts to 500, but then we usually stop him haha. I’m assuming a similar situation happened at school). He also brought home a book from the library on Barracudas, which I found hilarious– Only Landon.

••••••••••••••••••

Today we had our repeat 4D ultrasound. She was flipped head down still, but her head was on the left side, instead of the right side. She had her knees pulled to her chest and held there with her hands. This is a usual position for her; she’s been this way at three ultrasounds now! I’m not sure how it’s comfortable, but she looks like she’s eating her knees. Well, we were able to get a face shot of her in 4d for a quick second! She looks identical to Landon and Kenley. Same eyes, button nose, and huge lips.

I wish we could have seen her in HDlive, but I guess she just wants to surprise us. At one point I felt a big kick and thought maybe she had rolled so we could see her, so the tech put the wand to the area I felt the kick in. What did I see?

Her leg extended straight up against my stomach, being held up by her hand.

I laughed so hard. No wonder I’ve been feeling giant kicks in that area.

••••••••••••••••••

Our glider is in at babies r us, so I think we’re going tomorrow afternoon to pick it up. Shane and Dustin moved our Treadmill to the basement so we have room in the bedroom for the glider. I think we’re just going to keep it in our bedroom instead of the Nursery right now as this babe will be in there for a while at first.

On the subject of Nursery…We had a company out to quote painting the nursery yesterday. I wasn’t even considering that I might be triggered by the conversation to change the nursery wall color. I, however, was very much triggered. I walked the man into the bedroom and just lost it. I had to walk out and let Shane handle it all. He eventually told the guy what happened and that the room was just painted last August. The man was very very sympathetic, and I appreciated his comments. We signed the contract with them, and they will be starting January 16th,

One day after my baby shower (that I’m feeling guilty about).

Apparently I like to go big or go home regarding doing a lot of triggering things at one time. UGH.

••••••••••••••••••

Rainbow after loss.

Posted by Randi

I was googling just now to see if there were signs to place on your hospital door after you have your rainbow baby; I’m looking for a sign that says all the things that I don’t want to repeat 10+ times to each different person who enters my room on my care team.

While googling I came across an article titled “Heartbreaking ‘rainbow baby’ photo captures joy after loss”, so I clicked it because well…it sounds like it would be something I wanted to look at.

Long story short, a second time mom got pregnant and immediately started telling her family, lost the baby at 5 weeks and ended up pregnant again a month later that produced her rainbow. The article goes on to talk about how “tragic” her early miscarriage was, and how “devastated” they were. Yes, while I have had 2 early miscarriages and know that they are HORRIBLE and so sad, and you lose everything you thought you were going to have…the late term loss of my daughter, one week before she should have been born (and THREE WHOLE GESTATIONAL WEEKS LATER THAN HER BROTHER WAS BORN AND SURVIVED) was leaps and bounds more difficult than the early losses. I don’t mean to sound like I’m playing the pain olympics here…but yikes.

The words that the writer used in this article pissed me off SO bad. Like…to the point I went looking for an e-mail address to write this person and be like “um…your article is ridiculous”. The way the article is titled, I expected to read a story of a mother losing a child late term, or after birth, and then see a photo of her holding her rainbow after birth or something…nope.

The article is full of those “cute” naked baby pics with rainbow headbands…

Da. Fuq.

Hey, People Magazine, if you’re reading this (LOL), this article was the worst. THE WORST.

Anyway. I haven’t come across any signs, but I did find out that there are apparently signs that are placed on the doors at hospitals after you lose a child to alert all staff to not say something stupid to you. The nurses at the hospital after we had Kenley were amazing. Some of the cried with us, some of them were the only people ever to dress Kenley. I’ve never spoken to them since. I don’t know that I would be able to complete a sentence honestly. Shane and I decided that we want to have a lunch catered to the staff on a day that all of them are there. That’s my next plan of action to discuss with my hospital contact.

I’m pretty nervous the closer we get to the actual day that Alden is scheduled to arrive. I think about how Kenley had a date she was supposed to arrive. I’m trying to separate the two of them, but I don’t know how you’re supposed to do something so intense? How am I supposed to look at this pregnancy different than Kenley’s? Logically I know they are two different children/pregnancies, and that rationally there is no reason Alden should die as well, but it’s like…you can’t help but think that way?

I was given two bottles of soap to use before the surgery; one the night before, and one the morning before. I have to be at the Hospital at 5:30 am and that is intimidating to me. I know that I will be super anxious, and probably not sleep at all the night before, maybe I’ll pull an all nighter, who knows.

The anxiety and anticipation is really really high tonight. I’m assuming it’s only going to increase, but I’m ok with that. I’m ready to bring this girl home, but first… lets get through the next 67 days with my sanity.

27.

Posted by Randi

I’m officially done with grocery shopping at this point in pregnancy. There came a time during Landon and Kenley’s pregnancies where it was just too much to walk around for 2 hours, loading the cart, unloading, reloading and unloading and putting away the groceries…that time is now during this pregnancy.

I started getting some RLP the last few aisles but powered through, but when I got in the car my stomach was as hard as a rock. Chugged some water when we got home, and laid down (read: freaked out and used the Doppler) while Shane unloaded the car and put the groceries away. I don’t know if I didn’t drink enough water today or what but I HATE feeling like that.

Tomorrow Landon goes back to school after being off for the Holidays. It’s bittersweet because I love spending time with him, but also I played more Uno, and Monopoly Jr than any human should in the last few days so…I’m kinda ready.

Tomorrow marks my 27th week of pregnancy. Some people consider this to be the start of the 3rd Trimester.

THIRD. TRIMESTER.

There are only three; this is the LAST. Um excuse me? How is this possible.

How has it been a year since I lost my first daughter, and now I’m entering the home stretch of a subsequent pregnancy for my second daughter…who will (hopefully) be my only living daughter.

Life is just like a really bad rollercoaster.

Life is like the fucking corkscrew at Cedar Point.

Tomorrow at 10:30 Shane and I are having an elective 3D/4D ultrasound. We’ve had them with our other two pregnancies so, I decided it was 100% necessary for this one as well. I know some people think they’re creepy, but I love them. Both of my children have looked IDENTICAL to the 3D scans. It’s amazing.

I’m both excited and nervous; more nervous that Baby A is going to look identical to Kenley. I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I plan to be open with the tech when we get there and s/he (undoubtedly) asks if this is my first baby/scan/child/ some other question that’s going to sting. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m going to warn her, before I even lift my shirt, that my stomach is bruised all to hell from lovenox and to not be afraid/call the cops on me.

Back in December I ordered curtains for the Nursery. Today they showed up, and I felt my heart drop a little. I don’t want to disassemble the remnants of “Kenley’s” nursery, but slowly it is happening.

It’s becoming Alden’s room now.

The curtains are adorable and I love them, but seeing Kenley’s curtains come down was a really sad moment. All of my moments anymore are sad & happy simultaneously and honestly, that is a lot to handle for one persons heart. I folded up Kenley’s curtains and placed them on her rocker. I’m not sure where I’ll put them, but eventually I’ll be able to find a place.

Shane once said to me that there will be a time where we look at Alden and we won’t know how we would ever survive without her; that we won’t know our family any other way than WITH her in it.

While I completely understand what he is saying, it breaks my heart that I will always have to wonder how my life would have been with Kenley in it…here, physically, not just in my heart.

Fuck. Grief and Loss are so incredibly hard to navigate.

some days.

Posted by Randi

* first off, TW because there is a bump photo at the end of this post…*

I know that all loss mom’s can relate to having one good day followed by a really bad couple of days. At least that’s what it seemed to be like in my early days. I would have a really good day where I could think of Kenley, smile, and keep my eyes dry. Those days are coming more frequently (although I cry most every day, sometimes more than others, and sometimes I go a few days without crying- it’s kind of a crap shoot really…). It seems as if I’m having more “meh” days this month which, to be honest, I fully expected. The build up of this holiday, and then her birthday sometimes feels like it’s going to crush me.

I’ve been feeling really tired lately. The kind of tired where you just never feel rested. I’m sure it has something to do with getting over pneumonia, but it just feels like more than that; it feels like my soul is tired. I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I’ve felt this kind of tiredness- It’s not. And, I fully expect it to not be the last time either. I have been in bed at 8 pm for the past three nights, and tonight I’m in bed again ( crawled in around 8:04…) and Shane is snoring beside me. He’s allowed to be tired; he gets up at 4am, works all day, and comes home to me- the grieving wife.

The wife who is so tired that she hits snooze on her alarm twice and has to rush to get her son out the door to school. The wife who went back to sleep until 11 am and BARELY found the strength to roll herself out of bed, only to plant herself on the couch until her husband got home at 2pm. The wife who crys randomly. The wife who just sucks all the happiness out of everything (or so it feels) because she is constantly carrying the heaviest of burdens- The burden of letting her daughter die.

I don’t know why I’m so tired, but it feels like depression. I’m sure this month is to blame, actually I’m almost 100% positive it is. I’m trying to be excited for Christmas, but every day that Landon and I take a link off our countdown chain, I kinda wanna die.

20 days till Christmas

24 days until what should be Kenley’s first birthday on earth, but instead it’s the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my perfect child.

We got our first Christmas card today ( as per usual it was from my Aunt Kathi- every year!) and Landon was so happy that he kept the envelope in his room.

Yep, the envelope- not the card.

I am not sending cards this year. Last year, I wrote out cards and as I was writing Kenley’s name in them, I just felt like “You shouldn’t do that. You’re going to jinx it…” and well…we all know what happened.

So, no cards this year.

I don’t think we’re doing gifts for anyone but Landon, either. For one, it makes me fucking sick to think about wrapping anything, about sitting on the floor with Shane and being in the exact same situation as last year…pregnant, with our daughter, expecting a good outcome.

And second, getting anyone to give us ideas is like pulling teeth so, whatever.

I have a fetal echocardiogram on December 13th, so I’m glad we will have another ultrasound of her before the Holiday but it doesn’t bring me comfort. I also have a growth ultrasound on December 22nd, so again, happy but zero comfort.

This Christmas I will be 26 weeks pregnant with my second daughter.

How I wish things were so much different. I wish I had Kenley, and was also pregnant. I wish she could have lived.

I bought all three of my children stockings. They are hanging in between Mine and Shane’s on the TV stand where we always hang them…

3 stockings= 1 child

I’m not good at math but that just seems so fucking wrong.

Also, surprise. We’re naming this little girl Alden, after her big sister.

And last but not least, here is my first official bump photo. I’ve been very hesitant to post one, mostly because it still bothers me to see myself pregnant to an extent (also I know how much these photos hurt other loss mommas…) But, in the spirit of loving this child just as much as I love Landon and Kenley…. here is 22+4

Hope you like my bitmoji, I look super pissed in this pic so I opted for a smiling fake me instead.

tomorrow.

Posted by Randi

Tomorrow you should be 11 months old.

You could be walking, and jabbering. I can’t even think about what you would look like because it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe I haven’t held your sweet body in such a long time. It makes me so sad. I miss you every second of every day.

Today was rough. I think the anticipation of these milestones is what gets me. Obviously the day is bad, too, but the lead up is worse.

I pulled the trigger on two piece of decor for baby A’s nursery today. After I bought the first one, I felt like I was hit by a bus. I pressed “purchase” and I literally didn’t move off the couch for 3 hours afterward. Grief, it’s a really fucked up thing.

I was happy to finally buy something, and then immediately sad and guilty for doing so. I know that those feelings are normal, but damn.

So in the spirit of making myself feel better, and maybe more excited (IDK?) here is what I bought today for her nursery. Ugh. My heart.

safavieh-lilac-shag-outdoor-area-rug-sg151-7272 ptru1-23919455dt

I love our mail man.

Posted by Randi

Since Kenley died, I have gotten packages in the mail literally every week it seems- some times I get a few at a time. Our mail man has never once said anything about it, he just delivers the mail to us with a smile on his face.

Last week when all of my books came, I walked out to meet him when I saw him pull up the driveway. He said (with a smile on his face) “I’ve been fighting those damn things all day! They’ve been moving all around back there!”, I laughed and almost told him why I ordered 20 books, but decided not to. Today, my candles came. I saw him pull up the drive way, so I walked out to greet him and get the box; it was heavy again so I expected something to be said jokingly. He just sort of looked at me, and I looked at him. I knew he was sort of looking for me to say something (you know how you can just tell someone wants to know what the hell is going on?).

I looked at him and it just flooded out of me. I said, “Thank you for always delivering these packages with a smile on your face! I appreciate it! Our daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks last December and that’s why we are constantly getting packages, so thank you!”…

He looked at me, and said “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry”.

He handed me the box of candles, the rest of my mail, and gave me a smile. Off he went. I don’t know. I just felt like it was the right time to tell him? I’m not sure if the fact that he delivered me a shit ton of stuff last year while I was uber pregnant, and he’s never seen a baby at our house was bothering me and I felt like I needed to tell him, or what…Maybe it’s the fact that I’m showing…again…with no baby here for him to see when I was obviously pregnant all of last year. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I told him today and I hope that I didn’t freak him the hell out.

On that note, like I said, my candles came! I am constantly in awe of people who still do nice things for other people. The company that sent me these candles is a small locally owned company from the PNW. It’s called Aggies on main, and they sell soy candles. I reached out to them by recommendation of another loss mom (Hi Sarah!). The company immediately replied that they would love to work with me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but ultimately they donated 20 candles to my project. Amazing…just amazing.

Lisa is the woman who I was working with, and she is just one of the most caring people I’ve come to know on this journey. I am so thankful that she chose to help me. The impact her candles will have on a future mother who loses her children will be immeasurable. She wrote me a wonderful note in the card she sent. It brought me to tears.

I also pulled the trigger today on the other items I wanted in the bags.

-Journals +Pens: I did nothing but cry during my stay at the hospital, and I wish I was able to have done something else. I mean, I didn’t even get to really spend time with Kenley. She was with us, and I did spend time with her, but I wish I would have been a little more clear minded and taken more photos, and held her every second I possibly could. Maybe these journals will help someone to clear their mind so that they can hold their baby longer.

journals

-Chapstick: Ugh. My lips were so chapped in the hospital they felt like they were going to fall of my face or bleed. Im thankful to have been given some chapstick by my mom, but I’m sure some people won’t be prepared for the need.

chapstick

-Memories too few: This book is literally like 10 pages, and it’s an easy read. Like I’ve said before, we were given a book and it was just too long, and too “standard”. I feel like when I read this book, that I could have written it myself. Maybe that’s why I like it more than pretty much any other one I’ve read to date. Amazon only had 1 in stock (wtf?) so I ordered it, so they will have to stock more! I hope they stock them soon.

book

I ordered bags to put them all in as well. I’m going to have about 30 extra brown bags, but maybe that will be inspiration to keep filling them…

Protein S Deficiency OR How my body is still trying to ruin things…

Posted by Randi

On Thursday, I had my anatomy scan with Dr.F, and all looked well. She was able to better explain to us the cause of Kenley’s death. It was officially decided that she died from blood clots in her umbilical cord. We sort of knew this, but as I’ve said before, when we were first told about the cause of her death we were VERY fresh in our grief. I was better able to understand it now, at almost 11 months out.

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