guilt

the new year…again…

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January 1st 2016 I woke up and my boobs felt like they were going to explode; rock hard boulders. Apparently they hadn’t gotten the memo that my Daughter died, and they decided they would still produce milk to feed the child I didn’t have.

This was an awful way to begin a year– empty arms, boobs ready to feed my dead child, and a hole in my heart that would never ever be filled for the rest of my entire life on earth.

AWESOME.

So, this year, I played it cool. Fuck New Years. We went to bed early, and pretended it didn’t exist. giphy

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2016 was a pretty shitty year. 2015 was the best year, and the worst year of my life, but then in comes 2016 to carry over the shit that 2015 ended with…so, I’m just hoping that 2017 is decent. I hope no one dies, I hope that I survive, and most importantly, I hope that the baby I’m carrying lives.

I know a lot of you are like “Oh this time is different! You’re on medicine now! She will be alive!”, but you don’t know. You actually have NO idea if she will be or not. You’re taking a big ol’ fucking guess. While I appreciate your optimism, it hurts to hear those things.

Now that I addressed the end of the year holidays, I have a few things to talk about that happened late December.

First, I was able to take all of my donations up to the hospital on December 28th. I met with a woman who has been helping me get all of this organized via email for probably 6-7 months now. She was so sweet, and kind. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. She told us that what we are doing is so appreciated, and that it’s amazing to have it be so specifically tailored to loss parents. We discussed the plans to donate around her birthday every year, and she agreed that this is a wonderful idea. I’m planning to get ahold of her soon to see if they were able to get the bags over to the hospital and how things are going.

And also, to keep my fears in 2016, I purchased the Stroller system, and glider we wanted for Alden’s nursery. It was scary, and I thought I was going to pass out a few times, but I did it.

I figured, if I bought these items and they were officially purchased in 2016, nothing bad is going to carry over to 2017 (because I will straight up lose my shit before I let that happen).

Doing all of this also comes with a boat load of grief, so theres that…

 We decided that we were going to purchase very gender neutral items because we do have 2 frozen embryos waiting for us to decide wtf we want to do as far as future children goes. But, that, I’m afraid is worthy of it’s own post some other day…yikes.


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the first year without you.

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It finally came…Kenley’s first birthday.

The days that followed Halloween were brutal. It was like the Holidays were taunting me. I knew where we were at each moment in time last year (How far I was at Thanksgiving/how many days until she was born etc etc…) and so going through each day up until her birthday was really rough. When we went to get our Christmas tree this year, the place we normally go closed before we could get there (Landon started Kindergarten so we didn’t have enough time to get there after he got off school). We had to go to a new place; It was nice, but far less exciting than our normal place.

It felt good to do something different than we had the year before, though– the year when Kenley was safely tucked inside of me, growing and thriving like she should have been. When we put up the tree, I was overcome with intense grief. I cried, and I cried hard. No, let me rephrase that, I sobbed. That deep sob, you know? The one that you have no real idea where it comes from except you know deep down that it comes from a place of pain that no human being should ever have to feel.

Having to put an ornament on my tree in memory of my daughter, instead of having her there to clumsily hang hers (read: tear down the lights/tree/decor) was extremely hard. I was transported back to the Hospital when they told me she wasn’t alive anymore. I felt THAT level of sadness. It wasn’t just that she wasn’t here anymore, it was also the fact that she would NEVER be here. Maybe a realization occurred? I’m not sure.

She will never be able to hang an ornament, instead, for the rest of my life, I will be hanging her memorial ornaments. Do I buy a new one each year? Do I only hang the one that I bought specifically for her? How does a mother handle Christmas decorations when one of her children is no longer with her? There isn’t a guide for how to handle these types of things.

I avoided Christmas music VERY well this year; I think I listened to it maybe 2 times? I’m pretty happy about that, to be honest. I started listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween in 2015 and soon found out that Kenley loved it. She would dance around while it played. Avoidance was my only coping mechanism re: xmas music this year.

Every Christmas Eve, we go to Shane’s family’s get together. We went last year, and I was about to burst- 38 weeks exactly. It was SUCH a great day. I remember people giving us gifts for Kenley, telling me they were so excited for her to get here, asking how I was feeling/how things were going/next doctors appt/squeeing that her C-section date was literally a week away.  A week. Like…ouch. It still stings so deep when I think of that. It stings extra bad when I remember that I asked to have a c-section at 38 weeks 1 day- the day after Christmas- and my doctors told me no. It stings really badly when I remember that the day after Christmas last year I called my obgyn and told them I was having contractions that were able to be timed pretty close together, but the OB thought I “sounded ok”, and advised me that she didn’t think I needed to be seen, but if it made me feel better that I could go.

What kind of bullshit doctor says that? “You sound ok”. Oh good, I’m glad you can register what is happening inside my uterus by the tone of my voice. And for someone to pretty much patronize me by saying “if it makes you feel better, you can go in”, is just something that I will never EVER be able to live down. I hope that this Doctor feels extreme regret for not telling me to go to L&D that night, because who knows what could have been done…

Anyway, this year I didn’t want to go to the annual Christmas Eve get together…but I went for my Landon. I know he needed things to feel as normal as possible. When we got there, I lost it. People hugged us, and I just couldn’t handle it. It was like everything from last year just washed over me. All in all it ended up being a decent night, and I am thankful we went. Landon had an incredible time, and that is what really counts.

Christmas morning wasn’t too bad for me either. I’m not sure why…Maybe it’s because Landon’s joy just overshadowed my sorrow. Seeing him smile is the greatest gift to me, and hearing how excited he was about all of the gifts that Santa got him really really made me genuinely happy. And also, maybe I was actively blocking my feelings out; not thinking that I should have two children on Christmas morning. I should have a little girl crawling all over and being amazing. I’m pretty sure it was 50/50 (ok …70/30).

As the days ticked down to her birthday, I could feel my anxiety ramping up. The plan was to have immediate family over, have lunch, a cake, and a balloon release. I had been talking with Shane for a few weeks about what he wanted to do to “celebrate” (side note- I hate this term. I hate it so much. I’m not celebrating her birthday, for fucks sake, she’s not here. I’m mourning her, and all the things I lost when she died) her day. He’s pretty easy going so he ultimately said “whatever you wanna do”, which I sometimes hate. So, the day before he admits to me that he was surprised I wanted to have people over, and thought it would be nice to just have him, myself and Landon together on the day.

Ugh.

I told him that he needs to tell me these things when I’m asking him for a few weeks at a time. It was too late to cancel everything, and we ended up going forward with my plans. At the end of the night when everyone left, he hugged me tight, told me he was so happy we went through with it and that he had a really nice day. I’m so thankful that I can trust my gut sometimes, and strong arm him into things that I know are ultimately better for us.

We had a christmas gift exchange with my Dad and Sister before everyone showed up at 2 for the “party”. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do this, as it felt like it was taking away from her, but ultimately I’m glad we did. Then, around 2, Shane’s family showed up. We all just kind of hung out for a little bit, then had lunch. We ate, and decided that we would do the balloon release. Everyone wrote or drew on their balloons (only popped 2!) and then we made our way outside. It was extremely windy, but so clear. Landon counted to 3, and we all let them go. It felt good to watch them float away. I kept my message short and simple. She knows how much I love her, so my balloon was just a small reminder of that.



After, we came inside, and had cake and ice cream. My sister brought a flower arrangement that is so beautiful and reminds me of Kenley in so many ways. My mom bought her a gift which I love. It’s a stuffed fox with a tutu on it, and I plan to keep it in her memory box. A wonderful friend sent over birthday balloons.


After all the commotion was done, we just hung out and talked for a bit. Slowly people started to leave one by one.

All throughout the day I was getting texts from people all over letting me know that she was on their minds, and that she was missed. I woke up to a specific Instagram tag from a woman who lost her son last year about a week or two before we lost Kenley. I don’t know what specifically about her words struck a chord with me, but it sort of set my tone for the day. I think it was what I was meant to see on the morning of her first birthday.


The love and support from everyone really made the day better- not easier by any means- just better.

I missed her more than I could ever explain to anyone, yet, I was so thankful there were so many people thinking of her and our family. Knowing she was and is so loved on her birthday, even after all this time, made my heart heal a little, I think.

I want to thank every single person who got in contact with me somehow yesterday. Your love and support means the world to us, and I believe it is what helped us through yesterday with a little less pain than I expected.

Our lives will never be the same, and I wouldn’t ever want them to be. If they were, I wouldn’t know my sweet girl’s face. I wouldn’t have ever known her hair color, or how her lips looked just like her brothers. I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

I am her Mother; she chose me to be that for her. It’s all that I can do to love her like she deserves, and honor her memory like she deserves.

I love you my sweet girl. Happy First Birthday.

I will hold space in my heart for you until I can hold you in my arms again.

 

 

 

 

realization.

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I took Landon with me today to pick up the last 5 sleepers I needed to buy to have equal amounts of boy and girl sleepers. I told him I wanted him to help me pick them out, so he got right down to business. He has such a huge heart, and wanted to buy everything of course, but he also did something I was so unprepared for.

He picked up a sleeper that came with a bib and said “Mommy, this one is so cute, AND it comes with a bib so it’s perfect for a baby!”…

I felt like someone punched me in the gut.

“IT COMES WITH A BIB”.  

Realistically, I know why I’m buying these sleepers, I know that the children who wear them will not be alive, they won’t need a bib, but I think hearing those words from Landon’s sweet naive mouth really just hit harder than I ever expected. I am so thankful to be fortunate enough to purchase these sleepers for other families, but oh how I wish things were so so different.

7 days until Christmas.

11 days until Kenley’s first birthday.

My heart cannot handle all of this sadness while trying to be happy for my son to enjoy his Christmas.

Kenley, I miss you. My heart is aching without you here, sweet girl. I hope you know how much I love you, and I hope you see all of the good I’m trying to do in your memory.

gift. 

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Landon spent the last weekend with my mom, and came home with pinkeye. Ugh. He has been on antibiotic drops for the 24 hrs deemed necessary by his dr and went back to school today. 

Shane and I spent the entire day together. We went to breakfast, then to pick up a filing cabinet. We even drove the shitty truck. 

Then, we got home and watched an episode of a show we’re binging on. After that we decided we needed to go shopping to try and finish up Christmas. We spent the afternoon at target. Then, before we went home we went to babies r us. I tried out a few gliders and we decided on one that we like. 

After that we came home and had a chance to relax before Landon got home. 

Days like today mean so much to me. They are special because they aren’t, if that makes any sense. We didn’t do anything special- we just spent time together. I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me. I have wicked wrinkles on my face, and I just don’t give a shit because they’re all from laughing at my husband. He is hilarious and amazing. 

I bought him a Christmas gift even though I told him I wouldn’t, and now he’s mad because he doesn’t have anytime to find me something. But…he doesn’t realize that he gives me a gift like every single day. Spending the day with him is fun for me…laying on the couch watching tv is relaxing…he is my safe place. He is what calms me down. He gives me what I need, so gifts are unnessacary. 

I’ve been collecting/buying sleepers to donate to the hospital where we had Kenley. I’ve had 3 people donate them to me, and I’m so thankful for them. It’s amazing to see what people are capable of when something is done out of love. I’m just going to keep looking for deals on them, and buy them up until I’m ready to take them to the hospital. 

So far I have 19 sleepers, 4 of which are not here and will be preemie sized. I need to buy some more of that size. 


Shane has been on board since day one with pretty much whatever I decide to do RE: giving to the hospital. Another gift that he gives me is allowing my heart to be generous. I’m sure there are men who wouldn’t be on board with their wife spending the families money on sleepers to just give away, but he knows me. He knows that this is healing me. He knows how happy it makes my heart to mother Kenley in any way possible. 

He supports me…and that’s the greatest gift of all. 


We purchased two large photos in memory of Kenley to be hung in the room we spent all our time with her, and another room. We have been putting having them hung at the hospital off for a long time because we just weren’t ready to go back there. We both decided it wasn’t right for us to go into the hospital and witness them being hung up, so we gave the go ahead to the hospital to hang them without us. 

This photo hangs in 3E11, Kenley’s “room”

This photo hangs in the room next to the room we shared with Kenley.


Both photos are engraved with a different plaque that we requested. 

Seeing the room again, even on photos, cut like a knife. 

I miss her. I want her back. I’m so sad without her. It’s all so unfair, and I HATE the thought of Christmas without her. 

However, I think I’ve come up with an idea to honor her memory every year around her birthday. This year I am just trying to make ANYTHING happen- i.e., the care bags, the hats, the sleepers etc. But next year, id like to reach out and ask the hospital what they are in need of, and take up donations for that thing. I want to do this every year…in honor and in memory of Kenley. It could be books for the NICU, or clothes, or binkies. Whatever they need, I want to help with, in Kenley’s name. 

I think it’s a great way to really make her day mean something to everyone whom participates in donation, and who will be helped by the donations. 

I love her so much, and I wish so badly she were here. 

Mommy misses you, sweet girl. Two weeks exactly until your first birthday. 

My god, how I wish things were different. 

grief is love with no place to go.

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I’ve been wanting to adopt a family for Christmas, but with all this grief and stress I have going on time has slipped away from me. Today was the last day to actually take the gifts to the office, and I didn’t even get a chance to pick a family. ugh. I really really wanted to do this.

15 sleeps until Christmas.

19 sleeps until Kenley’s first birthday.

Landon is with my family this weekend. My Mom and Stepdad are taking him to the grinch musical, and to dave and busters to eat. He’s going to have one hell of a weekend. I’m so thankful that they do fun stuff with him, but I miss him terribly.

I spent the night shopping for preemie and newborn sleepers online to buy and donate to the hospital. My goal, once again, is to have them up to the hospital by Kenley’s first birthday.

•• If you feel you would like to purchase a sleeper and send it to me for donation, let me know. The more we donate, the more loss parents we can help. ••

Tonight I was able to purchase 4 preemie sleepers, and 6 newborn sleepers. I’m sure that I will buy a few more tonight as I browse the internet for great deals.

Once again, grief is love with no place to go.

I have all this love for my daughter who should be here. Who should be crawling around causing chaos. Who should be giving me wet kisses. But, it has no place to go. So, helping people makes my heart feel better…and that’s all I can really ask for.

Just another shout out to my amazing husband for supporting me and all the things I need to do to make my heart feel better. I love you. I love you. I love you. You will never know how much.

 

some days. 

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* first off, TW because there is a bump photo at the end of this post…* 

I know that all loss mom’s can relate to having one good day followed by a really bad couple of days. At least that’s what it seemed to be like in my early days. I would have a really good day where I could think of Kenley, smile, and keep my eyes dry. Those days are coming more frequently (although I cry most every day, sometimes more than others, and sometimes I go a few days without crying- it’s kind of a crap shoot really…).  It seems as if I’m having more “meh” days this month which, to be honest, I fully expected. The build up of this holiday, and then her birthday sometimes feels like it’s going to crush me. 

I’ve been feeling really tired lately. The kind of tired where you just never feel rested. I’m sure it has something to do with getting over pneumonia, but it just feels like more than that; it feels like my soul is tired. I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I’ve felt this kind of tiredness- It’s not. And, I fully expect it to not be the last time either. I have been in bed at 8 pm for the past three nights, and tonight I’m in bed again ( crawled in around 8:04…) and Shane is snoring beside me. He’s allowed to be tired; he gets up at 4am, works all day, and comes home to me- the grieving wife. 

The wife who is so tired that she hits snooze on her alarm twice and has to rush to get her son out the door to school. The wife who went back to sleep until 11 am and BARELY found the strength to roll herself out of bed, only to plant herself on the couch until her husband got home at 2pm. The wife who crys randomly. The wife who just sucks all the happiness out of everything (or so it feels) because she is constantly carrying the heaviest of burdens-  The burden of letting her daughter die. 

I don’t know why I’m so tired, but it feels like depression. I’m sure this month is to blame, actually I’m almost 100% positive it is. I’m trying to be excited for Christmas, but every day that Landon and I take a link off our countdown chain, I kinda wanna die. 

20 days till Christmas

24 days until what should be Kenley’s first birthday on earth, but instead it’s the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my perfect child. 

We got our first Christmas card today ( as per usual it was from my Aunt Kathi- every year!) and Landon was so happy that he kept the envelope in his room. 

Yep, the envelope- not the card. 

I am not sending cards this year. Last year, I wrote out cards and as I was writing Kenley’s name in them, I just felt like “You shouldn’t do that. You’re going to jinx it…” and well…we all know what happened. 

So, no cards this year. 

I don’t think we’re doing gifts for anyone but Landon, either. For one, it makes me fucking sick to think about wrapping anything, about sitting on the floor with Shane and being in the exact same situation as last year…pregnant, with our daughter, expecting a good outcome. 

And second, getting anyone to give us ideas is like pulling teeth so, whatever. 

I have a fetal echocardiogram on December 13th, so I’m glad we will have another ultrasound of her before the Holiday but it doesn’t bring me comfort. I also have a growth ultrasound on December 22nd, so again, happy but zero comfort. 

This Christmas I will be 26 weeks pregnant with my second daughter. 

How I wish things were so much different. I wish I had Kenley, and was also pregnant. I wish she could have lived. 

I bought all three of my children stockings. They are hanging in between Mine and Shane’s on the TV stand where we always hang them…

3 stockings= 1 child 

I’m not good at math but that just seems so fucking wrong. 


Also, surprise. We’re naming this little girl Alden, after her big sister. 

And last but not least, here is my first official bump photo. I’ve been very hesitant to post one, mostly because it still bothers me to see myself pregnant to an extent (also I know how much these photos hurt other loss mommas…)  But, in the spirit of loving this child just as much as I love Landon and Kenley…. here is 22+4


Hope you like my bitmoji, I look super pissed in this pic so I opted for a smiling fake me instead. 

December.

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Well, it’s here- December. I have been waiting all year for this month. Maybe waiting is a bad way to describe it, more so it’s been looming heavily over my head. As each month passed by and Kenley should have been another month older, I knew it was getting closer.

And here it is. In full force.

And I’m terrified.

We went Tuesday night to get our tree. We were going to go to the place that we use every year, but Landon doesn’t get off the bus until 4 and we found out (the hard way) that they close at 5. Half way there, I thought “damn, it’s getting really dark, I should see when they close” (why this didn’t cross my mind the entire day before we left is beyond me…). So we googled quickly and found there was another tree farm near us. We headed that way, and ended up loving the place. Their trees were pre-cut, but whatever. Maybe it’s a good thing that we didn’t get to go to the old place; maybe it was life’s way of cutting me a fucking break or something, who knows.

Anyway, the tree is super nice. I’m really happy with it, and at $52 vs the $80 tree from last year, I’m a happy camper. When we got home, I knew it was going to be super hard to put it up and decorate. We usually turn on christmas music and have a good time. Shane turned on the music and the lump in my throat came. He asked if I was ok, or if I needed to turn it off, but Landon was enjoying it so I said no, that I was ok. Seeing Landon put up the ornaments really really helped me; he was so excited that it kind of kept me happy. Then it came time to hang Kenley’s ornaments. This was pretty awful, I won’t lie. I cried and felt like I could have just crumbled into a million pieces on the floor. I ugly cried to which Landon told me I looked like I was laughing, which actually made me laugh. Thank god for Landon. He just speaks his 5 year old mind, and makes things all better.

We hung her ornaments, and just enjoyed each other. After we were done, Landon was SO tired. Rudolph was on at 8, and Landon crawled up on the couch with us to watch it. Poor dude, he was struggling to keep his eyes open but we finished it and then he went to bed.

We’ve been decorating a little each day since Tuesday. Today Shane and I spent the day at an antique mall shopping. Oh, you didn’t know that we are secretly 80 years old? Surprise.

We found a bunch of really cool old christmas things, and plan to decorate the front porch with them. Shane wants to make a big letter K to wrap in lights and include on the porch (actually this all started with his letter K idea to be honest…) so I’m excited to see what happens. I don’t want to talk about how much we spent at the antique mall today…I feel ashamed. Just kidding- one of my best days this year by far. We left the antique mall and went to dinner. I was craving a steak so bad, so we hit up outback and it was DELISH. I love spending the day with Shane. He is my best friend, and I am so thankful for him. I swear I could just sit with him all day doing nothing and be happy.

Tonight we pulled the trigger and bought Landon a 4 wheeler for Christmas! I’m so excited! It should be here in like 5 days, but were having it shipped to my mother in laws. I grew up riding them, so I’m excited for him to have one.

My dad is coming to visit this weekend, so hopefully Landon and him will get some good play time in. I know that he misses his grandpa a lot.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails with Kenely’s name in them, and I just want to say thank you to everyone who has sent them to me! I love getting them, and I can’t wait to work on the collage. I also have gotten ALMOST all the rest of the items for my care bags finally! I can’t wait to start working on them. I really really need to work on them. It helps to keep my mind occupied.

Well, December, I guess there is no turing back now…

 

I love our mail man.

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Since Kenley died, I have gotten packages in the mail literally every week it seems- some times I get a few at a time. Our mail man has never once said anything about it, he just delivers the mail to us with a smile on his face.

Last week when all of my books came, I walked out to meet him when I saw him pull up the driveway. He said (with a smile on his face) “I’ve been fighting those damn things all day! They’ve been moving all around back there!”, I laughed and almost told him why I ordered 20 books, but decided not to. Today, my candles came. I saw him pull up the drive way, so I walked out to greet him and get the box; it was heavy again so I expected something to be said jokingly. He just sort of looked at me, and I looked at him. I knew he was sort of looking for me to say something (you know how you can just tell someone wants to know what the hell is going on?).

I looked at him and it just flooded out of me. I said, “Thank you for always delivering these packages with a smile on your face! I appreciate it! Our daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks last December and that’s why we are constantly getting packages, so thank you!”…

He looked at me, and said “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry”.

He handed me the box of candles, the rest of my mail, and gave me a smile. Off he went. I don’t know. I just felt like it was the right time to tell him? I’m not sure if the fact that he delivered me a shit ton of stuff last year while I was uber pregnant, and he’s never seen a baby at our house was bothering me and I felt like I needed to tell him, or what…Maybe it’s the fact that I’m showing…again…with no baby here for him to see when I was obviously pregnant all of last year. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I told him today and I hope that I didn’t freak him the hell out.

On that note, like I said, my candles came! I am constantly in awe of people who still do nice things for other people. The company that sent me these candles is a small locally owned company from the PNW. It’s called Aggies on main, and they sell soy candles. I reached out to them by recommendation of another loss mom (Hi Sarah!). The company immediately replied that they would love to work with me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but ultimately they donated 20 candles to my project. Amazing…just amazing.

Lisa is the woman who I was working with, and she is just one of the most caring people I’ve come to know on this journey. I am so thankful that she chose to help me. The impact her candles will have on a future mother who loses her children will be immeasurable. She wrote me a wonderful note in the card she sent. It brought me to tears.



I also pulled the trigger today on the other items I wanted in the bags.

-Journals +Pens: I did nothing but cry during my stay at the hospital, and I wish I was able to have done something else. I mean, I didn’t even get to really spend time with Kenley. She was with us, and I did spend time with her, but I wish I would have been a little more clear minded and taken more photos, and held her every second I possibly could. Maybe these journals will help someone to clear their mind so that they can hold their baby longer.

journals

-Chapstick: Ugh. My lips were so chapped in the hospital they felt like they were going to fall of my face or bleed. Im thankful to have been given some chapstick by my mom, but I’m sure some people won’t be prepared for the need.

chapstick

-Memories too few: This book is literally like 10 pages, and it’s an easy read. Like I’ve said before, we were given a book and it was just too long, and too “standard”. I feel like when I read this book, that I could have written it myself. Maybe that’s why I like it more than pretty much any other one I’ve read to date. Amazon only had 1 in stock (wtf?) so I ordered it, so they will have to stock more! I hope they stock them soon.

book

I ordered bags to put them all in as well. I’m going to have about 30 extra brown bags, but maybe that will be inspiration to keep filling them…

 

pizza and pneumonia.

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Thanksgiving was yesterday and I’m pretty happy it is over. I won’t lie, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be only because we have pneumonia and spent the day here, on the couch, eating pizza and watching tv.

I literally don’t think I could have spent the entire day at Shane’s grandmas with his entire family. I know, undoubtedly, one of them would have said something wrong to hurt us. Not on purpose, of course, but some people just don’t know what to say so they spew platitudes and well wishes. While the well wishes are great, I just don’t want to hear them. I honestly know that people would have been all “omg squee aren’t you thankful for your baby you’re carrying now!?” Um. Yes. OF COURSE. But, that does not bring back the daughter who I lost, or take away the pain and guilt of her death.

Landon went with my Mother in Law over to the family’s get together, and we just spent the day with each other coughing our lungs out. All in all, we are feeling a little bit better, if I’m being honest. I think our coughing is subsiding and Shane hasn’t had a fever in about two days. This is great because he kept waking up shivering in the middle of the night and I know he wasn’t getting any sleep trying to keep track of his medication times and what not.

He went back to work today for the first time in a week, so I hope that he isn’t too exhausted when he gets home (even though I know he will be).

So we’re in the thick of it now- the Holiday Season. I’m feeling very indifferent toward it all. On one hand I want to have the normal Christmas that we usually do especially for Landon, and because it’s my favorite holiday. I love decorating, listening to music, shopping and spending way too much money on stuff that no one needs, and being with my family…except this year, one member of MY family is gone. She got to experience my joy of Christmas inside my womb last year, and I know she loved the music. She knew how much I loved the holiday, and I know that she knew how much she was loved.

And then, 4 days after the best Christmas of my life, I had the worst day of my life.

I’m sure you can see why I’m feeling torn on how to feel about the holiday.

I’ve been trying to toss around what I want to do about a stocking for Kenley. I really wanted one for the longest time, and now that it’s here, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I can stand to see an empty stocking, every year, with her name on it. Empty. Nothing. All the other stockings will have things in them, and her’s will be empty because she has no use for anything. She is not here; she will never be here.

I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. I have an ornament for her, but nothing feels right. I’m sure others can relate to the “nothing feels right” thing. I don’t know if I would feel differently about the Christmas season if Kenley had died in like March or something. I don’t know. I think the fact that she was alive during the holiday, and died so shortly after just tears me apart. It just crushes me.

I guess maybe it’s (christmas) just hard because it’s always going to be 4 days before another anniversary of her death? I don’t know. I know that some day down the road I might see it differently, but not this year and probably not the foreseeable future.

I think for this Holiday season to mean something to me, I need to accomplish a few things.

First, I need to get these care package bags together, along with the hats that I crocheted (and my sweet friend Caroline’s that she sent me to donate too!), and I need to tell the Hospital to hang Kenley’s photos…I don’t know why that is so hard to me. I just think that it means we need to go up and see them. We bought them. We spent the time deciding what we wanted to have engraved in them…I need to see them I think.

Second, I need to donate some gifts to a needy family or something. I know that you can get those names off of trees at churches or the salvation army, but I want to know that whatever it is we choose to donate, is being used. I would donate to toys for tots but I don’t know… I want something more personal. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. I would love to sponsor a family’s Christmas who just couldn’t afford it.

Third, I need to make a plan for her birthday. I don’t know what feels right. Nothing feels right, again, but I want to celebrate her. I know that she knows how much we love her, how could she not? But, I want to do something for our family to remember her too. I know there isn’t a day that goes by that they don’t think of her, either, but I want us all to do something together. I’m leaning toward balloon release, and cupcakes. It’s just going to fucking suck so much to be celebrating a girl who will never actually get a birthday, or to take a breath of air outside of her mother. To be remembering a sweet, beautiful child who I could not save. To be remembering her…instead of watching her shove cake in her face.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

grief

First Birthday Request.

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Kenley’s first birthday -December 29th- is just a few weeks away. I can’t believe I should have a child in my arms who would be possibly walking, jabbering, or causing chaos in our lives every day. I can’t believe that she isn’t here. It breaks my heart every day that I wake up and I’m alive, and she is not.

For Kenley’s first birthday, I’m asking for help from anyone who reads this, follows me on IG, or knows me any other way.

I’m asking you to write my daughters name. Write her name, anyway you would like to, and send me a picture. I want to take all of the photos that we receive and make a collage to put in my bedroom so I can make a wall dedicated to her. 

I’ve had a few people send me photos already, and I love them! Be as creative as you want, I welcome the diversity of the photos! If you send them, please include who you are and how you know us. I’m assuming I will know most people, but I guess you never know.

If you want to participate in this, I have set up a specific e-mail account for photos to be sent to, you can DM it to me on IG, or you can text them to me if you know my number- I’m fine with whatever.

My goal is to have all of the photos by the middle of December so I can have her collage done by her first birthday party.

Here is the e-mail address for photos:

KenleyPhotos@Gmail.com

I look forward to all the pictures! I can’t wait to see how this turns out for our sweet girl! Thank you in advance for helping with this project, and for loving our Kenley so fiercely throughout this past year. Let me know if you have any questions about this, and I will gladly answer! ❤