I’ve always been an emotional person; things would always choke me up, or bring me to tears pretty easily. After Kenley died, as I’m sure you can imagine, it’s been about 100x worse. Whatever. It is what it is. I just let the tears flow now whenever I need to. The worst culprit (maybe always?) has been greeting cards. Birthday, Father’s day, Wedding, Sympathy it doesn’t matter. I dread the Holidays for a number of reasons but buying greeting cards pretty much takes the cake.

This week is my little sister’s birthday, and Shane’s birthday. I’m thoroughly looking forward to sobbing like a lunatic in the card aisle of Target or wherever I decide to go.

I’ve been feeling super emotional lately about Kenley’s death. I don’t know if it’s the change in seasons (my guess is yes) or the fact that we’re trying to put our house on the market, or WHAT, but damn. I think I’m just starting to feel so far away from her. Last year during the fall it was my first fall without her…I wondered if she would enjoy crushing the leaves in her little fists, or if she would like to be outside. This year is different. It’s gotten cold pretty early (or has it? I guess it is September already…where has time gone???) and Alden enjoys being outside. She loves to look at the leaves and to grab them whenever we let her. So…it’s very bittersweet. I know that Kenley would have loved these things, and now I get to enjoy Alden doing them. Talk about fucked up.

Alden loves the outdoors; if I put her in her exersaucer outside she just jabbers and coos. It’s sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and yet it’s painful for my momma heart. It’s so unfair that this is how I will always feel- happy with a twinge of sadness. Some days are better than others, and some days are far worse. I am pretty much expecting this Holiday season to be a mine field. I won’t know what will upset me, or what will make me miss my first Daughter. With Alden here, things are softer and harder all at the same time. I know it doesn’t make sense, and honestly I don’t expect anyone to understand what I mean.

I look at her and I can’t believe she is mine. I can’t believe that I got to hand pick her, and now I get to keep her and raise her. I rock her at night, and cry tears onto her perfect little head, all while feeling guilt that I should be happy not sad…but I am happy and not sad, but I’m also a little sad…It’s just so hard.

When she wakes up from a nap and squeals and jabbers until I go pick her up, my heart just explodes with love. And somewhere deep down inside of me though…I’m sad that she’s not my first baby girl. I would never wish Alden was anyone except who she is, and I know that it might sound that way, but it’s just the only way I can describe it.

I love both of my girls, and I want both of them to be here so badly.

Life after loss is so messy, and I’m just really really struggling to keep it clean.

You know when it feels like a perfect storm and everything just crashes and burns all on the same day.

That day was today.

I’m exhausted to start the day off anyway because I’m in the thick of first trimester sickness. Alden is teething so she pretty much does not want to be put down all day. We found out that the furnace issue could be fixed for $2800 (!!!) instead of $6,000 but today, we found out that we actually need to pay $4800 instead. Not fun.

Shane and I have decided that we would like to list our house, and buy land to build our dream home. With this baby on the way, we need another bedroom. We have a few pieces of land in mind that we love so we did some digging into who owned them. I called the front runner’s owner about 3 months ago, and he didn’t seem interested in selling at the time and we weren’t 100% sure we wanted to build at that time either.  So today, I decided I would call him back.

He is an 88 year old farmer. He owns a ton of land in our town, and his home sits on 91 acres of farm land. The piece of land that we are interested in is part of an agriculture plot, but it’s only 6 acres out of the 20 that is parceled off on the auditors website. I called and told him that we had spoken a few months ago and reintroduced myself. I asked if he was interested in hearing an offer from us to which he replied ” I don’t think that I’m interested in selling”. My heart sank. This land that we are interested in is not only a really cool place to build a house, it’s the place that I took Kenley’s “gender reveal” announcement photo. I want that to be a part of my home forever.

He told me about 3 more times that he didn’t want to sell, but I made sure to throw a number at him (mostly because he did ask what we were considering price wise), and told him that we have children, and how much we would love to build a modern farm house up on the land.

I’m going to give him a week to think it over (although, he probably has literally forgotten about our conversation because he needs zero money) and then I think I will call him back. He doesn’t seem to have…feelings? I don’t want to sound rude, but I think he just doesn’t care about my life story, or anything that I say. I’m going to try one more time, I think. I’m going to approach it like we found other land, but I would rather have his. I’m not upping my offer because honestly it is a lot of money, and it’s going to cut into our home budget a lot. I have so many different feelings about it. I thought he might do this, and not agree to sell us the land.

I don’t want to bring up Kenley’s photo because technically I was trespassing on his property, but it makes me wonder if I did mention it if it would tug at his heart strings. I don’t know. I highly doubt it, and it makes me feel like I’m exploiting her. Ugh.

So after he shot me down, we called the second farmer…who also shot me down. He was a lot nicer than the other farmer though, so there’s that….

My grief was also really bad today…I don’t even need to elaborate on that because it’s just the same grief, different day. Some days I just can’t.

I just miss Kenley so so much, and I wish I had all my babies here with me to cuddle.

Yesterday we had our first MFM appointment. It consisted of an Ultrasound, meeting with the doctor who delivered Alden, then finally we rounded out the appointment with lab work.

Our ultrasound looked great; little babe was just hanging out in there. Toward the end of the scan, baby started to move and we were able to get a few good photos where you can actually see the baby’s arms and legs.

I am still very much in shock that this is our life again, but seeing baby dancing around in there helped to hammer home the fact I think. They said everything looked good, and that we were measuring right on track. They said our due date was 3.23.18, with delivery at 37 weeks that will put our due date around 3.2.18.

When we met with the doctor, we also got to see a lot of the nurses who helped us during Alden’s pregnancy and they were so happy for us. I loved the nursing staff there, and I could never say enough nice things about them. When Dr. Frey came in we talked about my history and she used Kenley’s name when talking to me. I loved that so much. I remember crying to her many many many times about how sad I was, and how I NEEDED Alden to survive. She is the greatest Dr and I am so thankful she puts up with my crazy.

She agreed to pretty much mimic Alden’s pregnancy plan. Ultrasounds as normal, early monitoring for preeclampsia, and gestational diabetes, level 2 anatomy scan, bi-weekly NST’s starting at 32 weeks, lovenox injections daily for the duration of the pregnancy, and delivery at 37 weeks.

She sent me to the lab and I had 11 vials of blood drawn…Yuck. We did a bunch of standard testing, a1c, and the genetic testing which will also tell us the sex of the baby. A lot of the results have come back already, and they are all normal! I didn’t expect anything to be wrong, but…you just never know. So hopefully next week sometime (maybe…depending because Labor day is a holiday so we may not hear till the following Monday) we will know if the baby is genetically normal, and also the sex of the baby.

Tomorrow we are 11 weeks.

My mind is just blown still.

I hope I can handle this again.

We found out today that our heat pump is shot…We had an HVAC company come out only to find out that it would cost every bit of $6,000 to replace it. I just started crying. We don’t have that kind of money laying around. If anyone want’s to give me six grand, just lemme know. Ugh. So we will be dealing with that tomorrow.

Tomorrow we have our first MFM appt with the doctor who delivered Alden. We will have an ultrasound first, then have our meeting with her. We will discuss our plan for this pregnancy. I’m going to insist that everything be identical to Alden’s pregnancy because well…she’s here, safe and alive…

We will be having our NIPT done. In about a week we will know if the baby has any genetic abnormalities, and we will also know the sex. It still doesn’t feel real, but maybe tomorrow meeting with the doctor will help it sink it? I’m not sure. Still in shock I suppose.

I’ve been having a really hard time with Kenley’s death lately. I miss her so much; it feels like more than normal? It’s so close to 2 years since she died, and it seems impossible. I don’t know how to explain it. It just feels like a really bad dream that I cannot wake up from; A terrible nightmare.

Alden has been sitting up (well, trying to) and it’s so cute. She’s been really enjoying new toys, and exploring new things. She rolls onto her stomach, and has even started putting her knees up under her acting like she wants to crawl. It’s insane. She needs to stop growing up! I can’t believe that she is almost 6 months old. Life is going too fast.

Still plugging along on Kenley’s second birthday project. I’m doing well with it, but ugh…I need so much more. If you’re reading this and you’ve meant to donate, consider this your gentle nudge 🙂

I’m trying to get everything together, and I feel like everything is just overwhelming me.

One day at a time, right?

Tomorrow will be 20 months that Kenley has been gone.

Tomorrow is a Tuesday; the day she was born.

The 29th.

10:32 pm.

7lbs 5oz.

20 inches long.

Silence.

The loudest sound I’ve ever heard.

I will never understand why she wasn’t allowed to stay here with us. It is incredibly unfair.

Life, is incredibly unfair.

Life gives zero fucks about what you want.

Life just keeps happening; it doesn’t matter how tired or sad or lonely or depressed I am.

Life just gives me the finger and keeps on moving.

Somedays, I’m just done.

Sometimes, it all feels way too heavy to carry anymore.

*all kinds of trigger warnings*

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As I reached for the toothpaste while showering today, the two bottles caught my eye – travel size shampoo and conditioner. They’ve been staring at me for nearly 2 years, and I have yet to take them out of my shower caddy. They are long empty, and I haven’t touched them since I used the last of both in an attempt to keep my hair smelling the way it did when I last held my sweet Kenley.

I stare at them every time I take a shower.

I can’t toss them out.

I often wonder if Shane thinks I’m insane for not touching them; for leaving them in the exact same place as they have been for so long. Part of me thinks he knows it would break my heart if he threw them away so he doesn’t touch them, but another part of me wonders if he’s even noticed them lying there. I can’t say I’d blame him for either, honestly.

The bottles are the ones I packed in my hospital bag to take when Kenley was born. Travel size shampoo and conditioner that I don’t use on a regular basis, strictly for the hospital. Only enough for a few washes. I remember the shower I took the night after I had her.

Shane had to undress me, and help me wash my body.

I brushed my teeth through tears.

I cried more.

I cried from my soul. A sound I will never ever forget.

He cried.

He washed my hair.

He dried me off and helped me get dressed again.

He walked me to the bed where our daughter was laying in her bassinet – forever asleep.

The smell of the shampoo and conditioner, like watermelon I remember Shane saying, still hits me like a ton of bricks if I’m around someone who has used it. If I see it in the store, I look away. Those bottles are going to stay in my shower caddy until who knows when.

It’s just one of those things…if you’ve lost a child I’m sure you have one. Maybe you can’t listen to a certain song, or you are superstitious about doing something that you did on the day your baby died.

It can be anything.

It can be big. It can be small.

It can even be shampoo.

We are currently transitioning Alden to her crib.

To say I am tired is a huge understatement. I knew it would be rough, but maybe I forgot how rough it would actually be? She pretty much doesn’t sleep ever…. for example, see this text that I sent to myself last night every time I woke up with her:

Her room is right next to Landon’s so I don’t really want to let her scream and cry because he has school in the mornings. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but truth of the matter is this sucks. I’m exhausted and she’s exhausted. We both don’t get a good nights sleep so we’re both struggling the whole next day.

I even googled “sleep doctor for babies” last night at 4 am. Yes, I will pay you $600 to come to my house and help this kid sleep cus I’m losing my mind.

Just kidding. Kind of.

It’s been a week as of tonight, so here’s hoping she starts to feel more comfortable in there.

Why yes, those are awful bags/black circles under my eyes. Thanks for noticing! I love this little girl more than I ever imagined possible. Even while she screams in my face my heart bursts with love. I’m so thankful to have had the chance to make her; to choose her specifically. I love you Alden. You’re growing up so fast. Stop!

Tonight we went to Landon’s 1st grade open house. I cannot believe that he is going to start first grade tomorrow. I remember the grief I felt last year as he started KG. I felt so upset because Kenley wasn’t there to walk through his classroom with us, she wasn’t there to see her big brother go to school. It was a very rough time for me, and I find myself feeling similar things this year. It’s just not fair. I think that I could say that until I had no more breath in my lungs, and it wouldn’t be enough.

Alden loved being in Landon’s classroom today. Tons of colors, beach theme, the teacher tied balloons on each child’s chair with their name written on them. (Later, when we got home, Landon said “Maybe I will send this balloon up to Kenley to let her know I’m thinking of her”….My momma heart exploded…) Some kids were in his class that were in his class last year so I think that helped. He is nervous. He keeps saying he has a belly ache, and I reassure him that he is going to do amazing.

I packed his lunch tonight, and made sure I wrote him a note telling him to have a great day. I’m going to miss him while he’s gone. I can’t believe it’s the start of school again…time is flying.

•••

We’re trying to transition Alden to her crib. That seems like a pretty innocent statement right? Wrong. SO many emotions surrounding it. I’m scared she will stop breathing in her crib and I will never know. I’m scared she will fall out of her crib (obviously impossible…), I’m scared. I don’t want my baby to die; I don’t want another baby to die. Hearing her cry at night while she falls asleep is just heart breaking. I don’t WANT to let her cry, I don’t want to hear her scream because she want’s me to go in there and pick her up. I look at her, and I never want to put her down. I know that those things are impossible if I ever want to sleep through the night, but my heart just hurts. I went in to calm her down tonight, and sang to her. Immediate smile. My heart exploded, and I just wanted to pick her up and hold her so tight.

Hearing her little cries from outside the room just broke my heart. I wanted to hear Kenley’s little cries from that room…it’s so weird.

Last night, she went to bed at 7 pm. It took her 21 minutes to fall asleep (I went in periodically to calm her down). She woke up a lot. She was up at 9:45, 12:21, 1:52, 4:02, and up for the day at 6:30. We will see what happens tonight….

•••

I need to clean out Landon and Alden’s closets. They both have so many clothes and they’ve both outgrown them all. I swear our house is busting at the seams and it’s only going to get worse.

•••

I was able to hang out with my lifelong best friend last night! She came back to Ohio to visit her family and made a trip down here to stay with me for a night. I needed to see her. We got a pizza and ended up staying up until 1 am talking. I miss her so much, and I wish she was my next door neighbor.

•••

Kenley’s care packages are coming along nicely. I was just sent the final package of tissues so those are all purchased! We have 40 “memories too few” books now, and I just ordered all the “you are the mother of all mothers” book as well. I need to find that time to reevaluate what I need, and update my amazon wishlist. I’m hoping things come together soon.