Rainbow after loss.

Posted by Randi

I was googling just now to see if there were signs to place on your hospital door after you have your rainbow baby; I’m looking for a sign that says all the things that I don’t want to repeat 10+ times to each different person who enters my room on my care team.

While googling I came across an article titled “Heartbreaking ‘rainbow baby’ photo captures joy after loss”, so I clicked it because well…it sounds like it would be something I wanted to look at.

Long story short, a second time mom got pregnant and immediately started telling her family, lost the baby at 5 weeks and ended up pregnant again a month later that produced her rainbow. The article goes on to talk about how “tragic” her early miscarriage was, and how “devastated” they were. Yes, while I have had 2 early miscarriages and know that they are HORRIBLE and so sad, and you lose everything you thought you were going to have…the late term loss of my daughter, one week before she should have been born (and THREE WHOLE GESTATIONAL WEEKS LATER THAN HER BROTHER WAS BORN AND SURVIVED) was leaps and bounds more difficult than the early losses. I don’t mean to sound like I’m playing the pain olympics here…but yikes.

The words that the writer used in this article pissed me off SO bad. Like…to the point I went looking for an e-mail address to write this person and be like “um…your article is ridiculous”. The way the article is titled, I expected to read a story of a mother losing a child late term, or after birth, and then see a photo of her holding her rainbow after birth or something…nope.

The article is full of those “cute” naked baby pics with rainbow headbands…

Da. Fuq.

Hey, People Magazine, if you’re reading this (LOL), this article was the worst. THE WORST.

Anyway. I haven’t come across any signs, but I did find out that there are apparently signs that are placed on the doors at hospitals after you lose a child to alert all staff to not say something stupid to you. The nurses at the hospital after we had Kenley were amazing. Some of the cried with us, some of them were the only people ever to dress Kenley. I’ve never spoken to them since. I don’t know that I would be able to complete a sentence honestly. Shane and I decided that we want to have a lunch catered to the staff on a day that all of them are there. That’s my next plan of action to discuss with my hospital contact.

I’m pretty nervous the closer we get to the actual day that Alden is scheduled to arrive. I think about how Kenley had a date she was supposed to arrive. I’m trying to separate the two of them, but I don’t know how you’re supposed to do something so intense? How am I supposed to look at this pregnancy different than Kenley’s? Logically I know they are two different children/pregnancies, and that rationally there is no reason Alden should die as well, but it’s like…you can’t help but think that way?

I was given two bottles of soap to use before the surgery; one the night before, and one the morning before. I have to be at the Hospital at 5:30 am and that is intimidating to me. I know that I will be super anxious, and probably not sleep at all the night before, maybe I’ll pull an all nighter, who knows.

The anxiety and anticipation is really really high tonight. I’m assuming it’s only going to increase, but I’m ok with that. I’m ready to bring this girl home, but first… lets get through the next 67 days with my sanity.

27.

Posted by Randi

I’m officially done with grocery shopping at this point in pregnancy. There came a time during Landon and Kenley’s pregnancies where it was just too much to walk around for 2 hours, loading the cart, unloading, reloading and unloading and putting away the groceries…that time is now during this pregnancy.

I started getting some RLP the last few aisles but powered through, but when I got in the car my stomach was as hard as a rock. Chugged some water when we got home, and laid down (read: freaked out and used the Doppler) while Shane unloaded the car and put the groceries away. I don’t know if I didn’t drink enough water today or what but I HATE feeling like that.

Tomorrow Landon goes back to school after being off for the Holidays. It’s bittersweet because I love spending time with him, but also I played more Uno, and Monopoly Jr than any human should in the last few days so…I’m kinda ready.

Tomorrow marks my 27th week of pregnancy. Some people consider this to be the start of the 3rd Trimester.

THIRD. TRIMESTER.

There are only three; this is the LAST. Um excuse me? How is this possible.

How has it been a year since I lost my first daughter, and now I’m entering the home stretch of a subsequent pregnancy for my second daughter…who will (hopefully) be my only living daughter.

Life is just like a really bad rollercoaster.

Life is like the fucking corkscrew at Cedar Point.

Tomorrow at 10:30 Shane and I are having an elective 3D/4D ultrasound. We’ve had them with our other two pregnancies so, I decided it was 100% necessary for this one as well. I know some people think they’re creepy, but I love them. Both of my children have looked IDENTICAL to the 3D scans. It’s amazing.

I’m both excited and nervous; more nervous that Baby A is going to look identical to Kenley. I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I plan to be open with the tech when we get there and s/he (undoubtedly) asks if this is my first baby/scan/child/ some other question that’s going to sting. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m going to warn her, before I even lift my shirt, that my stomach is bruised all to hell from lovenox and to not be afraid/call the cops on me.

Back in December I ordered curtains for the Nursery. Today they showed up, and I felt my heart drop a little. I don’t want to disassemble the remnants of “Kenley’s” nursery, but slowly it is happening.

It’s becoming Alden’s room now.

The curtains are adorable and I love them, but seeing Kenley’s curtains come down was a really sad moment. All of my moments anymore are sad & happy simultaneously and honestly, that is a lot to handle for one persons heart. I folded up Kenley’s curtains and placed them on her rocker. I’m not sure where I’ll put them, but eventually I’ll be able to find a place.

Shane once said to me that there will be a time where we look at Alden and we won’t know how we would ever survive without her; that we won’t know our family any other way than WITH her in it.

While I completely understand what he is saying, it breaks my heart that I will always have to wonder how my life would have been with Kenley in it…here, physically, not just in my heart.

Fuck. Grief and Loss are so incredibly hard to navigate.

the new year…again…

Posted by Randi

January 1st 2016 I woke up and my boobs felt like they were going to explode; rock hard boulders. Apparently they hadn’t gotten the memo that my Daughter died, and they decided they would still produce milk to feed the child I didn’t have.

This was an awful way to begin a year– empty arms, boobs ready to feed my dead child, and a hole in my heart that would never ever be filled for the rest of my entire life on earth.

AWESOME.

So, this year, I played it cool. Fuck New Years. We went to bed early, and pretended it didn’t exist. giphy

tumblr_llcuj3vt5n1qagjn7o1_500

2016 was a pretty shitty year. 2015 was the best year, and the worst year of my life, but then in comes 2016 to carry over the shit that 2015 ended with…so, I’m just hoping that 2017 is decent. I hope no one dies, I hope that I survive, and most importantly, I hope that the baby I’m carrying lives.

I know a lot of you are like “Oh this time is different! You’re on medicine now! She will be alive!”, but you don’t know. You actually have NO idea if she will be or not. You’re taking a big ol’ fucking guess. While I appreciate your optimism, it hurts to hear those things.

Now that I addressed the end of the year holidays, I have a few things to talk about that happened late December.

First, I was able to take all of my donations up to the hospital on December 28th. I met with a woman who has been helping me get all of this organized via email for probably 6-7 months now. She was so sweet, and kind. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. She told us that what we are doing is so appreciated, and that it’s amazing to have it be so specifically tailored to loss parents. We discussed the plans to donate around her birthday every year, and she agreed that this is a wonderful idea. I’m planning to get ahold of her soon to see if they were able to get the bags over to the hospital and how things are going.

And also, to keep my fears in 2016, I purchased the Stroller system, and glider we wanted for Alden’s nursery. It was scary, and I thought I was going to pass out a few times, but I did it.

I figured, if I bought these items and they were officially purchased in 2016, nothing bad is going to carry over to 2017 (because I will straight up lose my shit before I let that happen).

Doing all of this also comes with a boat load of grief, so theres that…

We decided that we were going to purchase very gender neutral items because we do have 2 frozen embryos waiting for us to decide wtf we want to do as far as future children goes. But, that, I’m afraid is worthy of it’s own post some other day…yikes.

ptru1-21949684_alternate2_dt

the first year without you.

Posted by Randi

It finally came…Kenley’s first birthday.

The days that followed Halloween were brutal. It was like the Holidays were taunting me. I knew where we were at each moment in time last year (How far I was at Thanksgiving/how many days until she was born etc etc…) and so going through each day up until her birthday was really rough. When we went to get our Christmas tree this year, the place we normally go closed before we could get there (Landon started Kindergarten so we didn’t have enough time to get there after he got off school). We had to go to a new place; It was nice, but far less exciting than our normal place.

It felt good to do something different than we had the year before, though– the year when Kenley was safely tucked inside of me, growing and thriving like she should have been. When we put up the tree, I was overcome with intense grief. I cried, and I cried hard. No, let me rephrase that, I sobbed. That deep sob, you know? The one that you have no real idea where it comes from except you know deep down that it comes from a place of pain that no human being should ever have to feel.

Having to put an ornament on my tree in memory of my daughter, instead of having her there to clumsily hang hers (read: tear down the lights/tree/decor) was extremely hard. I was transported back to the Hospital when they told me she wasn’t alive anymore. I felt THAT level of sadness. It wasn’t just that she wasn’t here anymore, it was also the fact that she would NEVER be here. Maybe a realization occurred? I’m not sure.

She will never be able to hang an ornament, instead, for the rest of my life, I will be hanging her memorial ornaments. Do I buy a new one each year? Do I only hang the one that I bought specifically for her? How does a mother handle Christmas decorations when one of her children is no longer with her? There isn’t a guide for how to handle these types of things.

I avoided Christmas music VERY well this year; I think I listened to it maybe 2 times? I’m pretty happy about that, to be honest. I started listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween in 2015 and soon found out that Kenley loved it. She would dance around while it played. Avoidance was my only coping mechanism re: xmas music this year.

Every Christmas Eve, we go to Shane’s family’s get together. We went last year, and I was about to burst- 38 weeks exactly. It was SUCH a great day. I remember people giving us gifts for Kenley, telling me they were so excited for her to get here, asking how I was feeling/how things were going/next doctors appt/squeeing that her C-section date was literally a week away. A week. Like…ouch. It still stings so deep when I think of that. It stings extra bad when I remember that I asked to have a c-section at 38 weeks 1 day- the day after Christmas- and my doctors told me no. It stings really badly when I remember that the day after Christmas last year I called my obgyn and told them I was having contractions that were able to be timed pretty close together, but the OB thought I “sounded ok”, and advised me that she didn’t think I needed to be seen, but if it made me feel better that I could go.

What kind of bullshit doctor says that? “You sound ok”. Oh good, I’m glad you can register what is happening inside my uterus by the tone of my voice. And for someone to pretty much patronize me by saying “if it makes you feel better, you can go in”, is just something that I will never EVER be able to live down. I hope that this Doctor feels extreme regret for not telling me to go to L&D that night, because who knows what could have been done…

Anyway, this year I didn’t want to go to the annual Christmas Eve get together…but I went for my Landon. I know he needed things to feel as normal as possible. When we got there, I lost it. People hugged us, and I just couldn’t handle it. It was like everything from last year just washed over me. All in all it ended up being a decent night, and I am thankful we went. Landon had an incredible time, and that is what really counts.

Christmas morning wasn’t too bad for me either. I’m not sure why…Maybe it’s because Landon’s joy just overshadowed my sorrow. Seeing him smile is the greatest gift to me, and hearing how excited he was about all of the gifts that Santa got him really really made me genuinely happy. And also, maybe I was actively blocking my feelings out; not thinking that I should have two children on Christmas morning. I should have a little girl crawling all over and being amazing. I’m pretty sure it was 50/50 (ok …70/30).

As the days ticked down to her birthday, I could feel my anxiety ramping up. The plan was to have immediate family over, have lunch, a cake, and a balloon release. I had been talking with Shane for a few weeks about what he wanted to do to “celebrate” (side note- I hate this term. I hate it so much. I’m not celebrating her birthday, for fucks sake, she’s not here. I’m mourning her, and all the things I lost when she died) her day. He’s pretty easy going so he ultimately said “whatever you wanna do”, which I sometimes hate. So, the day before he admits to me that he was surprised I wanted to have people over, and thought it would be nice to just have him, myself and Landon together on the day.

Ugh.

I told him that he needs to tell me these things when I’m asking him for a few weeks at a time. It was too late to cancel everything, and we ended up going forward with my plans. At the end of the night when everyone left, he hugged me tight, told me he was so happy we went through with it and that he had a really nice day. I’m so thankful that I can trust my gut sometimes, and strong arm him into things that I know are ultimately better for us.

We had a christmas gift exchange with my Dad and Sister before everyone showed up at 2 for the “party”. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to do this, as it felt like it was taking away from her, but ultimately I’m glad we did. Then, around 2, Shane’s family showed up. We all just kind of hung out for a little bit, then had lunch. We ate, and decided that we would do the balloon release. Everyone wrote or drew on their balloons (only popped 2!) and then we made our way outside. It was extremely windy, but so clear. Landon counted to 3, and we all let them go. It felt good to watch them float away. I kept my message short and simple. She knows how much I love her, so my balloon was just a small reminder of that.

After, we came inside, and had cake and ice cream. My sister brought a flower arrangement that is so beautiful and reminds me of Kenley in so many ways. My mom bought her a gift which I love. It’s a stuffed fox with a tutu on it, and I plan to keep it in her memory box. A wonderful friend sent over birthday balloons.

After all the commotion was done, we just hung out and talked for a bit. Slowly people started to leave one by one.

All throughout the day I was getting texts from people all over letting me know that she was on their minds, and that she was missed. I woke up to a specific Instagram tag from a woman who lost her son last year about a week or two before we lost Kenley. I don’t know what specifically about her words struck a chord with me, but it sort of set my tone for the day. I think it was what I was meant to see on the morning of her first birthday.

The love and support from everyone really made the day better- not easier by any means- just better.

I missed her more than I could ever explain to anyone, yet, I was so thankful there were so many people thinking of her and our family. Knowing she was and is so loved on her birthday, even after all this time, made my heart heal a little, I think.

I want to thank every single person who got in contact with me somehow yesterday. Your love and support means the world to us, and I believe it is what helped us through yesterday with a little less pain than I expected.

Our lives will never be the same, and I wouldn’t ever want them to be. If they were, I wouldn’t know my sweet girl’s face. I wouldn’t have ever known her hair color, or how her lips looked just like her brothers. I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

I am her Mother; she chose me to be that for her. It’s all that I can do to love her like she deserves, and honor her memory like she deserves.

I love you my sweet girl. Happy First Birthday.

I will hold space in my heart for you until I can hold you in my arms again.

realization.

Posted by Randi

I took Landon with me today to pick up the last 5 sleepers I needed to buy to have equal amounts of boy and girl sleepers. I told him I wanted him to help me pick them out, so he got right down to business. He has such a huge heart, and wanted to buy everything of course, but he also did something I was so unprepared for.

He picked up a sleeper that came with a bib and said “Mommy, this one is so cute, AND it comes with a bib so it’s perfect for a baby!”…

I felt like someone punched me in the gut.

“IT COMES WITH A BIB”.

Realistically, I know why I’m buying these sleepers, I know that the children who wear them will not be alive, they won’t need a bib, but I think hearing those words from Landon’s sweet naive mouth really just hit harder than I ever expected. I am so thankful to be fortunate enough to purchase these sleepers for other families, but oh how I wish things were so so different.

7 days until Christmas.

11 days until Kenley’s first birthday.

My heart cannot handle all of this sadness while trying to be happy for my son to enjoy his Christmas.

Kenley, I miss you. My heart is aching without you here, sweet girl. I hope you know how much I love you, and I hope you see all of the good I’m trying to do in your memory.

gift.

Posted by Randi

Landon spent the last weekend with my mom, and came home with pinkeye. Ugh. He has been on antibiotic drops for the 24 hrs deemed necessary by his dr and went back to school today.

Shane and I spent the entire day together. We went to breakfast, then to pick up a filing cabinet. We even drove the shitty truck.

Then, we got home and watched an episode of a show we’re binging on. After that we decided we needed to go shopping to try and finish up Christmas. We spent the afternoon at target. Then, before we went home we went to babies r us. I tried out a few gliders and we decided on one that we like.

After that we came home and had a chance to relax before Landon got home.

Days like today mean so much to me. They are special because they aren’t, if that makes any sense. We didn’t do anything special- we just spent time together. I am so lucky to have a husband who loves me. I have wicked wrinkles on my face, and I just don’t give a shit because they’re all from laughing at my husband. He is hilarious and amazing.

I bought him a Christmas gift even though I told him I wouldn’t, and now he’s mad because he doesn’t have anytime to find me something. But…he doesn’t realize that he gives me a gift like every single day. Spending the day with him is fun for me…laying on the couch watching tv is relaxing…he is my safe place. He is what calms me down. He gives me what I need, so gifts are unnessacary.

I’ve been collecting/buying sleepers to donate to the hospital where we had Kenley. I’ve had 3 people donate them to me, and I’m so thankful for them. It’s amazing to see what people are capable of when something is done out of love. I’m just going to keep looking for deals on them, and buy them up until I’m ready to take them to the hospital.

So far I have 19 sleepers, 4 of which are not here and will be preemie sized. I need to buy some more of that size.

Shane has been on board since day one with pretty much whatever I decide to do RE: giving to the hospital. Another gift that he gives me is allowing my heart to be generous. I’m sure there are men who wouldn’t be on board with their wife spending the families money on sleepers to just give away, but he knows me. He knows that this is healing me. He knows how happy it makes my heart to mother Kenley in any way possible.

He supports me…and that’s the greatest gift of all.

We purchased two large photos in memory of Kenley to be hung in the room we spent all our time with her, and another room. We have been putting having them hung at the hospital off for a long time because we just weren’t ready to go back there. We both decided it wasn’t right for us to go into the hospital and witness them being hung up, so we gave the go ahead to the hospital to hang them without us.

This photo hangs in 3E11, Kenley’s “room”

This photo hangs in the room next to the room we shared with Kenley.

Both photos are engraved with a different plaque that we requested.

Seeing the room again, even on photos, cut like a knife.

I miss her. I want her back. I’m so sad without her. It’s all so unfair, and I HATE the thought of Christmas without her.

However, I think I’ve come up with an idea to honor her memory every year around her birthday. This year I am just trying to make ANYTHING happen- i.e., the care bags, the hats, the sleepers etc. But next year, id like to reach out and ask the hospital what they are in need of, and take up donations for that thing. I want to do this every year…in honor and in memory of Kenley. It could be books for the NICU, or clothes, or binkies. Whatever they need, I want to help with, in Kenley’s name.

I think it’s a great way to really make her day mean something to everyone whom participates in donation, and who will be helped by the donations.

I love her so much, and I wish so badly she were here.

Mommy misses you, sweet girl. Two weeks exactly until your first birthday.

My god, how I wish things were different.

if you have a second…

Posted by Randi

Through Kenley’s death, I met a loss momma on IG. Her and her husband are struggling with secondary infertility (no issue with first child, fertility issues with the second pregnancy).

This speaks to me because it’s what happened to us. Landon, no issues. I was diagnosed with dinished ovarian reserve which lead to 2.5 years of struggles, 6 rounds of clomid, 2 rounds of letrozole, 1 round of tamoxifen, and 3 IUIs later we got pregnant with Kenley. Then, we lost her.

This family has DOR, and needs IVF. If they win this contest they will get a fully funded IVF cycle.

We paid out of pocket for our IVF cycle, and it cost us $23,000.

Please take the time to watch this video and vote (thumbs up there video to vote) to make their IVF cycle happen.

Vote for Joan & John!

grief is love with no place to go.

Posted by Randi

I’ve been wanting to adopt a family for Christmas, but with all this grief and stress I have going on time has slipped away from me. Today was the last day to actually take the gifts to the office, and I didn’t even get a chance to pick a family. ugh. I really really wanted to do this.

15 sleeps until Christmas.

19 sleeps until Kenley’s first birthday.

Landon is with my family this weekend. My Mom and Stepdad are taking him to the grinch musical, and to dave and busters to eat. He’s going to have one hell of a weekend. I’m so thankful that they do fun stuff with him, but I miss him terribly.

I spent the night shopping for preemie and newborn sleepers online to buy and donate to the hospital. My goal, once again, is to have them up to the hospital by Kenley’s first birthday.

•• If you feel you would like to purchase a sleeper and send it to me for donation, let me know. The more we donate, the more loss parents we can help. ••

Tonight I was able to purchase 4 preemie sleepers, and 6 newborn sleepers. I’m sure that I will buy a few more tonight as I browse the internet for great deals.

Once again, grief is love with no place to go.

I have all this love for my daughter who should be here. Who should be crawling around causing chaos. Who should be giving me wet kisses. But, it has no place to go. So, helping people makes my heart feel better…and that’s all I can really ask for.

Just another shout out to my amazing husband for supporting me and all the things I need to do to make my heart feel better. I love you. I love you. I love you. You will never know how much.

some days.

Posted by Randi

* first off, TW because there is a bump photo at the end of this post…*

I know that all loss mom’s can relate to having one good day followed by a really bad couple of days. At least that’s what it seemed to be like in my early days. I would have a really good day where I could think of Kenley, smile, and keep my eyes dry. Those days are coming more frequently (although I cry most every day, sometimes more than others, and sometimes I go a few days without crying- it’s kind of a crap shoot really…). It seems as if I’m having more “meh” days this month which, to be honest, I fully expected. The build up of this holiday, and then her birthday sometimes feels like it’s going to crush me.

I’ve been feeling really tired lately. The kind of tired where you just never feel rested. I’m sure it has something to do with getting over pneumonia, but it just feels like more than that; it feels like my soul is tired. I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I’ve felt this kind of tiredness- It’s not. And, I fully expect it to not be the last time either. I have been in bed at 8 pm for the past three nights, and tonight I’m in bed again ( crawled in around 8:04…) and Shane is snoring beside me. He’s allowed to be tired; he gets up at 4am, works all day, and comes home to me- the grieving wife.

The wife who is so tired that she hits snooze on her alarm twice and has to rush to get her son out the door to school. The wife who went back to sleep until 11 am and BARELY found the strength to roll herself out of bed, only to plant herself on the couch until her husband got home at 2pm. The wife who crys randomly. The wife who just sucks all the happiness out of everything (or so it feels) because she is constantly carrying the heaviest of burdens- The burden of letting her daughter die.

I don’t know why I’m so tired, but it feels like depression. I’m sure this month is to blame, actually I’m almost 100% positive it is. I’m trying to be excited for Christmas, but every day that Landon and I take a link off our countdown chain, I kinda wanna die.

20 days till Christmas

24 days until what should be Kenley’s first birthday on earth, but instead it’s the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my perfect child.

We got our first Christmas card today ( as per usual it was from my Aunt Kathi- every year!) and Landon was so happy that he kept the envelope in his room.

Yep, the envelope- not the card.

I am not sending cards this year. Last year, I wrote out cards and as I was writing Kenley’s name in them, I just felt like “You shouldn’t do that. You’re going to jinx it…” and well…we all know what happened.

So, no cards this year.

I don’t think we’re doing gifts for anyone but Landon, either. For one, it makes me fucking sick to think about wrapping anything, about sitting on the floor with Shane and being in the exact same situation as last year…pregnant, with our daughter, expecting a good outcome.

And second, getting anyone to give us ideas is like pulling teeth so, whatever.

I have a fetal echocardiogram on December 13th, so I’m glad we will have another ultrasound of her before the Holiday but it doesn’t bring me comfort. I also have a growth ultrasound on December 22nd, so again, happy but zero comfort.

This Christmas I will be 26 weeks pregnant with my second daughter.

How I wish things were so much different. I wish I had Kenley, and was also pregnant. I wish she could have lived.

I bought all three of my children stockings. They are hanging in between Mine and Shane’s on the TV stand where we always hang them…

3 stockings= 1 child

I’m not good at math but that just seems so fucking wrong.

Also, surprise. We’re naming this little girl Alden, after her big sister.

And last but not least, here is my first official bump photo. I’ve been very hesitant to post one, mostly because it still bothers me to see myself pregnant to an extent (also I know how much these photos hurt other loss mommas…) But, in the spirit of loving this child just as much as I love Landon and Kenley…. here is 22+4

Hope you like my bitmoji, I look super pissed in this pic so I opted for a smiling fake me instead.

almost finished.

Posted by Randi

The care packages are coming together finally! My stickers came today, along with a “you are not alone” card. The sentiments on this card were written by a fellow loss Momma. She lost her beautiful daughter, Rain, but was able to bring Rains twin brother Brahm home. I carry a special place in my heart for Rain, and her momma. I’m so thankful she allowed me to use her words. I added my blog and Instagram because I want to be accessible to ANYONE who needs to find someone after their loss.

I put together my first one this afternoon and it felt SO GOOD. I don’t know what it is about these care packages but I want to make a million and give them out to everyone.