Grief

released. 

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Today we had an appointment with our RE. We were almost late (thanks Shane), and when we got there we waited for 40 minutes. Not in the waiting room…in the exam room…No pants, draped in a piece of paper, feet in stirrups. I was SO cold by the time the doctor came in, and when I got up to leave, the paper stuck to my ass. It wasn’t a pretty sight, I’m sure. 

Everything looked good, and her growth has caught up; she was measuring a week behind at all scans until today. It had me worried and Shane confessed today he had been worried but was keeping a strong face for me. I told him while I appreciated that, he needs to tell me when he’s freaking the fuck out, because chances are we’re both feeling the same way. 

We are officially “released” from the RE.  I have mixed feelings about this. I want to be monitored 24/7 to make sure things are progressing well because I’m paranoid. On the other hand, I know from here on out I will be seeing the MFM’s and I know they’re going to take me seriously, give me the best care, and pretty much keep my crazy in check. At least I hope. 

When they release you, you get a spoon that says congrats blah blah blah. I now have 2 spoons, and no babies. Let’s hope that this changes this March. 

rainbow.

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**trigger/pregnancy talk warning**

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photos.

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Earlier this morning Landon handed me a seashell, and said he got it for me. This seashell sits on my buffet next to his baby picture. I said thank you, and acted like I was super impressed for a few, then asked him to put it back on the buffet because I love it there. He walked over and set it down and said ” I’m going to put it next to my baby picture”.

I love his baby picture. I love Kenley’s baby picture too, but in a different way. I got to thinking about the photos we have of Kenley, and realized we don’t have a picture of just Shane holding her. There are photos from NILMDTS of me holding her with him over my shoulder etc, but none of just him holding her. This has been weighing so heavy on me this evening. I will never have a photo of him holding her. Somedays I’m able to look at these things and think “Ok, don’t be so hard on yourself because who the hell thinks of these things in the moment when you’re shocked because your child died”, but other times I think “God…how could I have forgotten to take that photo?!”.

I’ve been missing her really badly lately. Wanting to hold her more than anything in the world. Feeling extremely sad, and beat down about everything. She’s forever going to be baby; as Landon grows she will remain the same in my mind. I will never know what she would look like as a little toddler, or a 5 year old starting Kindergarten. I mean, in a way I do because she looked just like Landon. And honestly? That makes it harder on my heart sometimes. Landon is such perfection in my eyes, he is so beautiful and perfect that it gives my heart a painful jab when I see him being adorable. She will never be here.

The bad days are still here- still very much present. They aren’t as heavy, I guess? I don’t know how to explain it. Friday night was bad, though. I cried for probably 2 hours after I put Landon to bed, and I don’t even know what triggered it. I just got sad. This sucks. This is unfair. This is not how my life should be. This is not how I should be spending my days- very much alone. I should have my girl with me and I should be taking care of her while her big brother is at school.

Monday she will be gone for 8 months. Eight months. 243 days. I have been on this earth, without my beautiful daughter, for far too long. And the worst part?… I have to continue to be without her until the day I die.

A good friend had messaged me the other day asking if we were still planning to walk in Lydie’s Loop (www.lydiesloop.org) 5k that a loss mom is putting on here in my town for her daughter, Lydie. I was seriously considering going, and I had asked my parents, my sister, and Shane’s parents to go with us- all who said yes. But…the more that I thought about it, the more intimidated I became. I didn’t feel that I was ready to be around that stuff yet. I’m not ready to be around other loss moms right now. Online, it’s different. I can just leave or close my phone or whatever, whenever I need to.

She told me that she was still interested in it, and she wanted to register in honor of Kenley and our family. I cried. Her and her sister (and I’m not sure who else, if anyone) are planning to register in Kenley’s honor, and it just makes my heart burst with love. Knowing that someone is going to be there for the walk in honor of my sweet girl is so amazing. A huge thank you to Nicky and Jessica. It means the world to me, you will never know.

Today has been one of those days where I just want to lay in bed all day. I’m so thankful for my amazing Husband. He came home from another long day of work, at one of the most stressful jobs in the entire world, and let me nap. Then, he ordered pizza for dinner so I didn’t have to cook anything.

I love you Shane. I know you don’t read this, understandably, but I just love you more than I could ever put into words.

Thank you for being my rock.

Today, well, today can suck it.

MFM.

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Today we had our dating ultrasound at the MFM office. I was so anxious, and nervous; I puked for the first time this morning, so I was going into the appointment with high hopes. When we arrived at the office, I was immediately impressed by how new it all looked. We walked in and the building was AMAZING. It was just finished in June of this year, and the whole decoration theme is that of Ohio State. Everything was just so clean and sparkly which somehow made me feel more confident in the Doctors. So lame, I know, but it’s true!

When we went back, we were put into an ultrasound room that was HUGE with a giant monitor. Once we started the scan, the tech (who was like, 23 years old MAX) was so sweet to us, and showed us everything. She told us exactly what we were looking at, and showed us the little flicker on the screen that was our girl’s heart beating away- 176 BPM. She looks like a gummy bear, and had arms and legs (although they are super tiny). The tech held the probe in one position long enough for us to see our girl dancing around. I pretty much lost it immediately. I was crying for most of the scan. It was so wonderful to see another baby with a heartbeat inside of me, growing like she should – but at the same time, it was so sad. We were given some great pictures, and told to wait for the Doctor to come in to discuss with us.

We waited for a long time, but it was totally worth it.

The Doctor came in, and I immediately fell in love with him. He answered all of our questions, and spent some serious time with us. He pulled records from Landon’s delivery and went over them with us. He informed us of all the tests he wanted to run, and that he would allow us to come back in 2 weeks for another scan. We have that scan set for 9/8. The new patient appointment is set for 9/22, at which I will meet with one of the Doctors to discuss our plan of action. At this appointment we will also have our NT scan (Nuchal Translucency Screening) as I will be 12 weeks. They also set us up for our 18 week detailed anatomy scan on 11/3. This made me extremely happy to hear- DETAILED. If you recall in one of my previous posts I discussed how our anatomy scan with Kenley was 9 minutes. I truly hope that I am at my anatomy scan with the MFM for an hour. I don’t care how long I have to be there, please just make sure my baby is ok.

Then, on 12/13 I will go in for a Fetal Echocardiogram. Can I tell you how fucking happy I am to be given all this monitoring? I mean… I’m just beyond thrilled. I know that my baby will be given THE BEST care that I can provide for her. It does hurt my heart to know that Kenley could have been given this care, and she wasn’t. That was pretty hard to deal with today, I won’t lie. I know that I did everything for Kenley that I could, but it just cuts like a knife to know that there was someone out there who could have been able to save her, maybe. I don’t know. It’s just sad.

So, bottom line is we LOVE the MFM team at Ohio State. I am throughly looking forward to going through a pregnancy with them. I know that they will take my concerns seriously, and do everything they can to bring this baby into the world screaming.

On another note, A GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who donated to the Molly Bear fundraiser. We exceeded our goal, and I have officially placed my order for my Kenley Bear!!! The bear should ship out to us within 4 weeks! This makes my heart so happy. They asked for a few specific design requests for the bear, so Shane and I thought about that for a while today. We decided to go with foxes (obviously) and her nursery colors- Coral, Yellow, and Teal. No matter what the Kenley Bear looks like, I will be so thankful for her. I’m so excited. I’m also pretty sure that when it comes I will cry pretty hard.

All in all…today was a pretty good day.

 

 

fundraiser.

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Today, Kenley has been gone for 34 weeks. I don’t know how time keeps going without her here in my arms…

I don’t usually do things like this, but I feel like I need to.

I started a fundraiser from the Molly Bears website to raise $450- enough to cover the cost of 1 bear for my family, and 9 other bears for women who cannot afford to purchase one of their own.

Incase you don’t know what a Molly Bear is, it’s a stuffed teddy bear that is weighted to the exact weight of the child you lost. Our bear would be 7lbs 5oz, and give me the opportunity to feel Kenley in my arms again, so to speak.

Here is the link, and if you choose to donate please know that it is greatly appreciated- not only from my family, but from the 9 other families who will be able to feel the weight of their lost child in their arms again.

https://rally.org/mollybears/7OpApHXxys5/randihayes

pictures.

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Lately, I’ve been wanting to see more/new photos of Kenley. The problem? I can’t see any new photos of my sweet girl because I’ve seen them all. All the photos that will ever exist of my beautiful daughter have been seen by my eyes.

It’s just one more thing that breaks my heart into a million pieces on the daily.

 I’ve never been able to fully write out Kenley’s story and our struggle to get her. I finally found strength to write it tonight. I wrote it here, under the “Kenleys story” tab. I’m sure there is so much missing, but the bottom line is she was wanted and she will never be here. She is so loved. 

cheese.

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This morning I walked into Landon’s room to wake him up for school (this never happens, he is always up before everyone else), and he was curled up in the middle of his bed looking so tiny. I stood there and my heart just exploded with love for him, and sadness for Kenley. I cannot help feeling love/grief at the same time these days. I miss my girl, and my love for her is so deep that I feel it in every fiber of my soul. My love for Landon is just the same as my love for Kenley, except I get to hold him when I’m sad. I get to physically love Landon.

He sometimes looks at me, then down at my “K” necklace. He has asked me why I don’t have an “L” for him. I answered him one time with something similar to what I just wrote. “I get to love on you like “this” (I hugged and kissed him a bunch which made him laugh), and I don’t get to love on Kenley like that. So, I wear a necklace for her. I can look down at this necklace and think of her during the day”. He seemed to like that answer pretty well.

Yesterday, he looked at me and told me that I was going to have to wear a different necklace now that I’m going to have another baby. I reminded him that this necklace is for his sister who isn’t here (who will never be here…but that seems too much for a 5 year old to handle…) and that the new baby will be here in our house when she is born. He understood, and went on playing with his toys. He misses nothing, that boy. He is so smart, and deep. I’m so proud of him, and how he can be open with me about things. I hope that never changes.

Today while Shane and I were home alone, I found a shoebox and put all of my pregnancy tests from this baby inside. I also put in paperwork from our genetic testing, random RE paper work, and the picture from the embryologist the day of my transfer. I know this baby deserves it’s own “space” in my heart, but I’m struggling to find that space still. I feel like my heart is a fucking glacier and I’m over here trying to chisel a spot out for this child with a toothpick. I’m trying, little one, I swear it.

When I made lunch today, the cheese package said “best by Jan 11 2017″…What? How is that even possible; How is it the middle of August already? I feel that the first 7 months of this year were a blur; like I went to sleep on 12.29.15, and I’m just now fumbling my way out of the bed in the darkness. Things are familiar to me, and I can feel my way through life, but it’s still so dark. It will be fall soon. It will be Thanksgiving…and then it will be Christmas. A holiday that will now forever carry a dark shadow over top. Fucking Christmas. Fucking life. Why? Like, why did this happen? Why did this have to happen to my family? And so close to Christmas. I was pregnant with Kenley when we spent an hour and a half walking through the acres of christmas trees looking for the right one. I was pregnant when we put it up and decorated it with Landon; he was more excited this past year than ever before. I will forever have these things burned into my mind.

I will see myself on the Christmas morning family video, carrying my sweet living girl. safely inside of me. Crying because my husband gave me a gift card to chatbooks so I could document all of my Instagram photos from Kenley’s pregnancy in “photo album” books. I thought it was such a sweet gift, such a thoughtful gift from my Husband who was excited for his daughter to be here. The message included with the gift card said “I can’t wait until Kenley is here, it will be so soon!”…

I don’t know how this sadness will lessen in time. I just don’t think it’s a possibility.

I miss you, sweet girl. I wish I could have watched you grow up into the amazing person I know you would have been. I wish I could have been your best friend for life. 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

 

 

emotional. 

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The title says it all; today has been super emotional for me (and Shane, too). This morning we woke up and got Landon ready for school. He was pretty excited so I think that helped me stay calm. We went out and waited for the bus at about 7:45; the bus was late and didn’t show up until 8:02. He was so excited when the bus stopped and turned on the light. I, however, had to hold back tears as I let his hand go and he got on the bus.

When he drove off, I cried. I knew I would, but I’m just so happy I could keep it together for him because had I cried, he would have cried too.


Then it was off to the RE for our ultrasound. It was the first time we would (hopefully) hear this baby’s heartbeat. When we got there we waited twenty (excruciatingly long)  minutes. The RE walked in and asked how I was- I said nervous. He seemed to forget that this was our first heartbeat scan. He turned the machine on and immediately said “well don’t be nervous because we have a heartbeat”. He asked if we wanted to hear and we said yes; What an all too familiar sound. Little miss has a heart rate of 138 @ 6w6d ( I thought we were 7w today, but I guess I’m wrong?).

Everything looked good, so we go back to the RE on August 31.

Next Thursday (25th) we see the MFM @ OSU for an intake ultrasound so I’m very happy we will have 2 scans in the next 2 weeks. My RE wrote the MFM a letter in hopes that they will get me in sooner than 9/22 for my first OB appointment.

So, all in all- good news today.

But Landon will be home in about 5-10 minutes so let’s see how his day went before we call it a 100% win 🙂

butterfly.

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Today, Landon and I went to the grocery store; the parking lot was pretty empty (thank god).  I always look to make sure there aren’t many cars when we get there. Somedays I just can’t with people. We walked into the entryway to get our cart and- I’m not kidding you– there was a girl, probably 18 years old maybe, with her 8ish month old baby girl. FOR REAL?

It just never fails, you know? Whatever.

Fast forward to when Shane gets home from work. I told him I was going to go lay down for an hour or so. I ended up sleeping from 3-5, so a nice little nap. When I woke up, I walked out into the kitchen and there was an orange butterfly on the INSIDE of our sliding back door! How in the hell does that happen???

Why, hello, baby girl 🙂

She’s been around a lot these past few days.

On Saturday night before I went to bed, I held her urn and kissed it (like I do every night). When I kissed it, I told her to help me. I told her I needed help, and that I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this; I’m not strong enough.

I think she heard me loud and clear ❤

 

sunday.

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I know this week is going to be rough for me; I already feel it in my bones.

Tuesday we have Landon’s open house for Kindergarten, at which I’m going to try to hold back tears. Wednesday is his first day; he will be riding the bus to school for the first time. I’m pretty sure when he gets on the bus I’m going to lose it– I cry just thinking about it. I can see it play out in my head the way it’s actually going to happen and the way I wish it was happening– me, holding my sweet girl, waving her little arm at her big brother with Shane standing next to us, as he looks out the window and waves goodbye to us.

Ugh. Heartbreak at it’s finest.

Wednesday is also the day we have our 7 week ultrasound. The ultrasound in which we should hear a heartbeat. Needless to say my last ultrasound with a child inside of me was fucking awful so I’m very scared.

The timing of the shit happening this week is so fucking cruel.